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i spent a large portion of my childhood trying to figure out if i was supposed to be a boy. i tried to be a girl 100% of the time but something never felt quite right. i had female friends but we never really got along correctly. i wasnt into clothes and make up and as of recently figuring out i am demisexual, i wasnt really into boys either (i had crushes but they were few and far between). boys were my friends and that was about it.
my first close friend was a boy. i was 4 years old. my second close friend was also a boy. my parents didnt say it was wrong or bad but they also realized i didnt like girl things. i remember someone giving me a barbie when i was 7 or 8 and it just stayed in the box until it was probably regifted. they didnt give me shit for not playing with the toy, they just knew i wasnt into it.
when my mom would take me clothes shopping, i always wanted to shop in the boys section as my favorite color was blue. that annoyed my mother but she obliged because i would wear a dress for 2 hours a day when we went to church on sunday.
i would say things got annoying when i started going through puberty. i was a dirty kid, i cant lie about that. i made no effort with the way i looked and it really bothered my mother. im sure if she had lived with us during this period, she may have been more demanding about how i looked. but she didnt and i didnt.
i cried for two hours after i got my first period. there was an awareness that this was going to be the rest of my fucking life and i was going to have to deal with it. it caused me huge amounts of anxiety for years and years, literally until i got a hysterectomy at 40.
in the next couple of years, i found riot grrrl which was really good for someone that didnt really understand their gender but it helped me realize that i have this body and i just have to live with it whether i like it or not.
Neugin
in reply to Neugin • • •Cherokee street magician.
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