One last wag š
As I write this, Iāve been up for over an hour, crying most of the time. I am not at home at the moment, so I donāt have my own comforts and safe spacesā¦ I just have to make due with crying in the dark, feeling very tired and sadā¦
I talked with very good friends today and they told me about their catās vet visit. And somehow this triggered a memory of Arwen at the vetā¦ And this triggered my memories of Arwenās last vet visitā¦ I cried and then I was OK again. Until it came back at me in a dream (bloody nightmare). And now I see that last tailwag every time I close my eyesā¦ š
Long version of the alt text for this postās header image: A softly edited, emotional photograph tinted in muted purple hues shows Arwen, a chocolate Labrador, lying peacefully on the floor near her bed. Her eyes are closed, her expression calm yet weary, her paw stretched forward as if still reaching for the world she loved so dearly. The vignette darkens the edges, drawing focus to her resting face and silky fur. At the bottom of the image, in elegant pink-purple gradient cursive text outlined in light-blue, are the words: āOne last wagā¦ā This is the final picture ever taken of Arwen, less than 24 hours before her passing from an aggressive heart tumor. Though she was resting here, her guardian thought she was only tired from the summer heat of over 30Ā°C. The next day, Arwen gave one last gentle wag of her tail upon entering the vetās officeāher final gesture of love and trustābefore she passed away about half an hour later. Her absence left a deep ache; she was truly Cynniās beloved brown soulmate.
I need to have a good cryā¦ And Iāve had so many in the last 121 days (the days she passed away, as I am writing this). I wish I could say that itās getting easier. As everyone tells you that it ājust needs time to healā, which Iāve said myself before as well. Scars heal, wounds heal, so the loss of a pet should heal as well, I guessā¦ Butā¦
I am so deeply caught up in my trauma, my undiagnosed cPTSD is triggered so badly these daysā¦ I still struggle with feelings of guilt over Arwenās last few daysā¦ That I should have seen the signs sooner. That I should have acted upon the signs earlier. That I was wrong for making her suffer longer than she should have. I keep blaming myself for causing pain and harm to my gall, even though I had no idea how badly she was struggling, because she hid it from me that well, and that long (and maybe I just didnāt want to see itā¦ š¢).
I know with all my heart that I have done all I could for Arwen. But somehow my traumatized brain keeps telling me that she deserved better, and I should have made the choice for her sooner. And I know I was rushed to the hospital on Monday, had surgery on Tuesday, came home on Wednesdayā¦ I know I took her to the vet first thing on Friday morning, after she and I had spend two nights awake together, with me crying most of the time (also due to my own trauma of the dislocation and surgery). I was there with her, best as I could, for all of those last hours. But somehow my brain keeps saying that the last night was one too many. I should have taken her (well, asked my mum) to the vet on Thursday. I let her suffer a whole more day and night because I didnāt want to see how much she was strugglingā¦ š
That last night with her, I saw she was in such discomfort. I wrote a blog post that I feared I was going to lose herā¦ I wanted to sit with her, hug her, be with her. But I couldnāt because I just had surgery and I was all bruised and under heavy restrictions. I tried to lean forward on my crutches and smootch with her the best I could. But all I wanted ead to hug her do muchā¦ š It just feels like I let her down in so many waysā¦
So when mum and I were able to take her to the vet, a place she always loved to go, she struggled with getting into the car. Mum helped her and we went. Mum helped her from the car and she slowly headed towards the office. She barely made it inside, where she entered with some tail wags, as she loved seeing the people thereā¦ š She was feeling horrible, in pain, with a fever, with a heart being crushed by a bad tumor. And she came into the vetās office wagging her tail! š
Shortly after that, she collapsed. The vet could not hear her heart properly, so she was carefully being led to the back. Mum and I waited but I knew it was very bad. They called us in, and told me the news about the fever and the tumor. She was suffering and she would not make it through the weekend. My world fell apart! As I couldnāt bend over to hug her, the ladies got a metal table and she was lifted on it. They gave her an IV with sleeping meds. I kept caressing Arwen as best as I could, while she fell asleep. They gave the euthanasia meds and she slowly passed away with me holding her paw and stroking her headā¦ š
She was free, free of pain, free of discomfort, free of her strugglesā¦ And my pain just intensified by a gazillion. I know I did what I always promised her. I would not let her suffer. (even though my brain has been telling me for almost 4 months now that I should have called the vet on Thursdayā¦). But Iāve been suffering ever since, as I have come to realize how much she did for me, without me even realizing it. But that only seems to increase my feelings of guilt over not acting sooner when I realized that she was struggling so muchā¦ š
I miss you Arwen! Those last memories, the pain I saw in you, the relief on your face when you fell asleep for the last time, the gratitude and love you gave me until your final breathā¦ And seeing that last time you wagged your tailā¦ I wonder if you realized that I āheardā your distress call, and that you knew the pain was soon going to be overā¦ Maybe that last wag had more meaning than I realized as wellā¦ š
makertube.net/w/m19pN8TZ6J8HQBā¦
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The image features a person and a chocolate Labrador Retriever. The dog is positioned on the left side of the image, with its mouth open and tongue out, appearing happy and relaxed.Flickr
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