Cynni's Blog

2025-07-30 05:00:57

Trauma, Grief, Depression, Self pity…

Those that have been following this blog, and/or my toots on Mastodon, will know all about the first three bits of the title of this post. These are things I’ve written about in the last 4 weeks. OK, I’ve written about them before that as well, but this post focuses on the events of the last four weeks.

I added a fourth topic to the title, “self pity”. Because that’s something I’m struggling with now (as well), and as understandable as it may be, I also hate myself for feeling this way, for having these thoughts that just feel so selfish and arrogant to me. I don’t want to wallow in pity, but I just can’t stop feeling sorry for myself, for all that I had to “go through” / endure/experience during these last four weeks. 😔

Feelings of sadness, hopelessness, and unfairness about your life circumstances often characterize what we call self-pity. It’s an emotional state that usually involves dwelling on past hardships or present difficulties and feeling sorry for yourself.

While it is normal to feel sad or upset about life’s challenges, self-pity becomes problematic when it becomes a persistent pattern of thinking that interferes with your ability to live a fulfilling life. The dangers of self-pity include a vicious cycle of negative thinking and behavior, feelings of guilt and shame, and feelings of isolation and loneliness.

betterhelp.com/advice/depressi…

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For those of you who found my blog through this post for the first time, I’ll try to write a little “previously on Cynni’s Blog” bit here:

On June 13th I had a major hip surgery, where the cup of my prosthetic hip has been replaced with a new one, as the old one got loose. All went well until on June 30th, I had the misfortune of my hip dislocating from that cup, causing me to be in hell for several hours. It took over 5 hours before they could set the leg. And when I came to, they informed me I needed another surgery to repair the damage done. So on July 1st, I went into the OR again. I got home late afternoon on the 2nd and had two terrible nights where not only I struggled, but my dog Arwen struggled as well. During the second night, I realized that this would probably be her last night. And due to my surgery, I could not hold Arwen and comfort her, I could not be there for her as I wanted to be. That morning in July 4th, Arwen crossed the rainbow 🌈 bridge around 9:30. Mum and I were with her till the end. And that was definitely the worst week of my life. (Journal – Week 27, June/July 2025)

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Since that week of horror and hell, I’ve been struggling with my emotions a lot. Most of the nights, I don’t get the best sleep. I keep crying over the loss of Arwen, and I keep being angry with myself, because the dark monster keeps trying to tell me that I let Arwen suffer for too long because I didn’t want to say goodbye to her. Those thoughts overwhelm me with guilt and anger towards myself, even though everyone keeps saying that I did right by Arwen. It just doesn’t feel that way, partially due to the dark monster (depression) telling me that I let Arwen suffer too long. It’s been four weeks since the surgery. I’m still very bruised and swollen, my wound is warm and painful, there is still a big deep hematoma under it, and it just hurts so much. I struggle being comfortable, I struggle getting some decent sleep. It’s been almost 7 weeks since the first surgery, which would have meant that I “should have been” ready now to start building up my strength and routine again. But nope, still several weeks to go now. And after the second surgery, my restrictions list was longer than before, as was the recovery time, which went from 6 weeks to 3 months. 😭

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I cry several times a day and night. I feel exhausted and I struggle to find any motivation to keep going, as most of the time, it just feels so pointless. Everything hurts, I can’t get comfortable, I still have nightmares about the pain, trauma, and loss. There’s the dark monster, blaming me for not doing the right thing in time. And all that ads up to me feeling so damned sorry for myself. 😢

And earlier this week, I had a meltdown. Due to someone, who probably means we’ll, who keeps texting me every two days with two questions: any improvements and how are things now without your dog? In the beginning, I tried to reply. I explained again and again that the recovery would take a long time, longer than I liked, but that’s just how it is when you have surgery, then major trauma, and then surgery again in less than 3 weeks time. And again and again they expect me to be able to write that it’s all better now. Again and again I need to tell them that the improvements are slower than a snail heading up the Mount Everest… I wish I made more (quick) progress. I wish I had less pain. I really do! But… I keep needing to tell them that if sucks. And that question about how it is now, to live without Arwen… 😭 So when I got that “well meant” but painful text again, I just broke down…

I was so angry. I was so disappointed that I have to tell them, again and again, that I feel like shit. I am in much pain. I am missing my gall like crazy! I don’t need to be reminded every two days of how shit things are. I want to yell at them to leave me alone. That all these “well meant” texts are bringing me down so much! Who wants to be reminded every two days thy their best companion ever is gone?? Who wants to write the same disappointing “news” again and again? Here I am, fighting against depression, standing on the edge of darkness, and every two days, someone shoves me in the back to remind me how things still suck… 😢

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So now, the self pity is even worse. Anger, disappointment, sadness, pain, exhaustion, grief… I just want to break free of it all. I had enough of being in this much pain. The first 2½ weeks after the first surgery, I felt a lot better, until the hip got loose… Since thy happened, I’ve been needing the max amount of pain meds just to be able to cope with getting through the day, let alone the night… 😔

I want to do better, believe me I do! I want to be able to need less pain meds. If love a good night’s sleep without too much pain again. I would love for the headache to leave me alone. For the tinnitus to get less loud again. For the bruises to stop glowing with warmth. Asking me every two days if there are any improvements, especially when I’ve been telling several times that it will take a long time… I just don’t know what to do with that… Like I’m not working hard enough because there is no real progress yet. Like I’m supposed to be able to make big jumps forward every two days and be healthy and healed within a record time! If only… It makes me wonder if they really read what I write, as they don’t seem to do anything with the info that I share. Like they’re putting me under pressure to perform this amazing job… And I’m failing big time!

I wish for things to improve… Believe me, no one wants it more than I do! But not making any big progress here… It’s dragging me down. 😔 I feel sorry for myself, I feel angry and sad and most of all, I feel tired of being in so much pain and feeling so exhausted because of it… I want improvements. I want to do better. I want to send out positive texts. But all I did earlier this week was… Get into a meltdown.

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Cry, sob, curse, get an even worse headache. Let it all out, all the frustration and anger. All the disappointment and grief. I just had enough of it all and I would like it to end… But… That will take time… Time to grieve. Time to heal. Time to adjust. Just a whole lot of time. And tears, I guess… I don’t want to feel sorry for myself. But when I look back at the last few weeks… Yeah, I understand why I do feel this way though. Just wish for some improvement so that I don’t get stuck in the pity and drown myself in tears. I don’t want the dark monster to grab me too tight… Gotta keep fighting… Gotta stay strong…

To be continued..?

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Please be wise and stay safe! I hope to see you back real soon again, feel free to drop in anytime! Wishing you all the best. With love, Cynni 🌹

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