#Journal of a silly emotional Dutch Pixy (Friday, 18/07/2025).

I had a broken night. Not because I wasn't tired or because Bas wasn't snuggling me. But because I woke up feeling very emotional, being triggered and thinking back about that long and hard night, two weeks ago. I kept reliving those moments, where I saw the pain and sadness in Arwen's eyes, and I felt so helpless. I could not snuggle her, as I badly wanted to do. And that made me even more sad. She needed my comfort, she needed me to be there for her, and all I had were my words, my tears, and the way I was able to give her scratches. When all I wanted to go was hold her firm, but gently, and tell her I would do right by her. And I kept thinking on how I may have missed the signs earlier. Partially due to me being in the hospital, partially due to Arwen trying to hide them from me... But also because I didn't want to lose her yet, and I struggled to see what was right before me...

People keep telling me that I had been the best friend for Arwen that she could have wished for. But, all this grief, it comes with doubts, with anger, with questions... And I can never answer those. I can never "do it better", because it's done. And I need to allow myself to believe what everyone keeps telling me. I need to understand that we all can have these doubts and worries in the end, that it's part of the grieving process. But I can't seem to let it go just yet, I keep having bad dreams. Either about the trauma of the hip, or about the "mistakes" that I made towards doing what was best for Arwen. So yeah, I had a night where I shed many tears, before I was able to calm down, before I could really snuggle up with Bas and get a few hours of sleep.

When I was awake, I made myself some brekky. After that, I got dressed and mum helped me with my socks and shoes. I have been practicing with the sock-help, and the left foot is going rather OK now. It's just the right one that I still struggle with. I think it's because the foot, ankle, and calf are still a bit swollen, so the helper gets stuck some at times. But I will keep trying. A sweet neighbor has offered to help me with my shoes, should it be needed. So if I get better enough that I only need help with the shoes, then maybe mum will be able to get back to her home again. I love all her help, and all she is giving up to be here for me. But I also feel guilty a bit, for keeping her away from her home for so long. I guess there are some pros and cons to being here with me, both for her as for me. And I accepted that I need the help she is offering me. But, yeah, as I wrote, part of me feels guilty about keeping her away from her life...

All dressed, mum and I took Bas out for walkies. The weather was nice and it felt good to be out and to enjoy the fresh air. When we got back, I got my tablet out and I wrote a bit for my journal and my blog. I tried to keep my emotions in hand. Because when we got back from walkies, it was about the time that Arwen had passed away two weeks earlier. I saw the clock and just felt this knot inside me, realizing it's been two weeks now without her. But I can still remember that sad look upon her face during her last night. It still makes me break out in tears, because I realize how much she wanted to keep going for me, even when she was slowly but surely dying from that tumor. 😭

I tried to distract myself, first with writing and then with watching telly. Around noon, we went for another walk with Bas. Mum had spent the morning trying to clean the floors of the house a bit, and we did the laundry. After some relaxing after the walkies with Bas, mum helped me with showering. Unfortunately, she made a mistake that made my autism go "boom!". I know it was an accident and I know it wasn't that bad, but it was just "wrong" and my autistic side freaked out... She used the body soap for my hair and the hair soap for my body. And it just felt so wrong... And later I felt guilty over my freaking out, because she was just tired and all, and it was a stupid mixup...

After the shower, I relaxed a bit. It took quite some spoons from me, especially with the mixup of the soaps. Mum had some coffee and relaxed as well. When we both regained some energy, it was time for another short walk with Bas. Then, we made some food and we watched more of Twin Peaks together. One more short walk together with Bas, and then I got as comfortable as possible in bed. We watched more Twin Peaks until it was time to get ready for bed. We prepared everything for the next day, as mum would be going to Nijmegen, and unfortunately, she will take Bas with her. I will miss the little furball...

I had a slightly broken up night, mostly due to the silly bad dreams again. Cuddles with Bas helped some, and I was able to fall asleep after a while every time. But due to the dreams, I didn't feel very rested when it was time to get up again.

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#PixysJourney
#WeirdFolks
@weirdfolks

Ello sweet and lovely Friendos

#Today was an emotional but also good day. I am on bed now, checking the last bits here before I'll attempt to get some sleep. There is no little cuddle bug as he's back home with dad...

Arwen was never such a cuddle one, especially not like little Bas is. And I know that Bas can't fill the holes that Arwen left behind... But, it seemed that he understood my pain, that he felt my sadness... And then, during the night, he just gave me what I needed most... 🥲 Love and support. He just seemed to get it, like I missed her, but so did he. As he used to cuddle up with Arwen whenever he spent the night at our place. So, we both got what we needed. And it felt good...

My friends helped me with the shelf. It could not be mounted where I hoped, due to electric wiring in the wall. So we found a different spot. And it looks good. I'll take a snap of it tomorrow. The frame is expected to be delivered next Monday. Then I'll only need to find a way to add the paw prints in a lovely way.

My friends and I cried over the loss together. Arwen loved them, especially him. They were always cuddling and playing together. And when we had dinner, he had the same automatic reaction as I had the first time mum and I made fries and snacks after Arwen's passing... Of one of the snacks that we eat with our fries, Arwen always got the "kontjes", which is asses literally translated. The end sides of the snack, we always cut off for her. So when he got the snack, I saw him prepare the ends and then he teared up... And so did we all... It was sad, but also beautiful to know that she was loved so much, and we just felt her presence when we all looked at the snack's "asses" on his plate... 😢

There were some other moments where we all shed a tear while remembering things that she did, things that we all missed today... It felt nice to be together and remember her with love and tears...

So while today was emotional, it also was nice to give Arwen her resting place, to remember her love and silly bits. Because of her, we were able to share this love, mixed with some laughter and loving tears...

Now, I need to try and get some sleep... Hopefully I can get a few hours where I can properly get some spoons for tomorrow. Saying good night to all of you, blowing a kiss up the sky for Arwen, and missing the little furball's cuddles at my side...

Good night / #TZAG

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#PixysJourney