…or lack thereof…

For a while now, I feel like life is just too draining at times. I can’t get enough sleep, and when I get some more sleep, it’s often filled with the most horrible nightmares. I wake up feeling more exhausted than I did before I went to bed. It’s gotten to a point where, if I slept for 6 hours without my dreams being too upsetting, that I don’t dare to sleep some more… Afraid that the “extra sleep” will be filled with the worst stuff. Unfortunately, this has happened so many times, that this fear is based on real experiences, and not just my imagination thinking up the worst.

But when you get short nights, when you wake up with your muscles tight and painful, with a heart rate of over 90 due to bad dream… It’s getting harder and harder to refill the personal battery, and to regain the needed spoons to keep going, day in, day out…

A Bitmoji based on Cynni stands against a plain black background, looking tired or low on energy with a slightly slumped posture. They wear blue headphones, reflective blue sunglasses, purple camouflage trousers, and a purple T-shirt featuring a heart in the nonbinary (enby) flag colors. Above their head are three pixelated hearts, like in a retro video game—only the first heart is partly red, while the other two are empty, suggesting low health or energy.

I am trying to work on myself to “get better again”, both mentally as physically. But I find it very hard to motivate myself to actually put the needed efforts in. And I know that this is partially caused by the state of my mental health, struggling with things like autistic burnout, trauma & grief, which have slowly transformed into me dealing with a big variety of cPTSD related symptoms. I have visited the GP, and she was going to see if I could get help from a phychologist, who has expertise on trauma processing… Maybe she could help me, by offering EMDR. But, I have not heard from the GP yet, and I fear that there may be a waiting list before I may be able to start the therapy.

I am also still dealing with physical issues. My hip still hasn’t fully healed. There is quite a bit of edema left, which is also causing me discomfort, and some pain at times. I also asked my GP about this, and she was going to check if this issue could be helped with special therapy aimed at reducing edema. But the area is still slightly discolored. It gets warm quite easily, and sometimes it tingles, which can be a bit painful as well. I also struggle with sensitivity, as many kinds of fabric still hurt the area when they rub against it. And to lay comfortable in bed, or on the couch, it can be a bit of a challenge to get the fabrics right enough, so they don’t put any extra pressure on the sore bits. Pockets, especially the ones that close with zippers, can be very uncomfortable when my scarred and swollen area presses on them… 😞

A Bitmoji based on Cynni lies flat on their back beneath a large fuel-gauge graphic showing the needle deep in the red on “E,” symbolizing total exhaustion. The avatar wears blue headphones, reflective blue sunglasses, purple camouflage trousers, and a purple T-shirt featuring a heart in the nonbinary (enby) flag colors. Their expression looks drained, matching the “running on empty” theme.

But I want to work on healing myself. Getting my body in better shape, as I still need to lose at least 6-9 kilos (13,2-19,8 lbs). Building up my muscles and strength again. Improving my stamina, so I can go out on longer walks again (or use the treadmill longer, as the weather is getting in winter mode). I want to get into a proper workout mode again, doing the needed exercises, slowly seeing some positive changes. I know I always feel good when things are improving. The thing is, I need to have energy for that, I need more available spoons, as I find it too difficult to motivate myself without the proper “fuel”. And I guess it’s harder because I am on my own as well. When I had Arwen, I could ask her for walkies, if the weather was good enough. And, even if the weather wasn’t nice and all, she still needed to go out and do her things. Now, it’s just too easy to think “ah, why would I go out?”. That is why I still try to get the early afternoon together with the neighbor and her lovely big black 🖤 fluff.

So, I guess I need to find a way to get that motivation back! I just have no idea how to do that, when my sleep is still so bad. Short nights, bad nightmares, traumatic triggers, muscle cramps… They aren’t the things you need when you are trying to recharge the battery a bit again. Now, I wonder what I could do to regain the proper motivation. That “kick under the bottom” I may need to be able to grab some motivation by the hand-full, and use it as best as I can. Because I had no idea on how to get back into the “good mood” and all that, I just asked ChatGPT for some tips. I know it’s definitely not the best to use for medical advice, but sometimes it can find things online that I just can’t, which can be helpful at times…

A Bitmoji based on Cynni poses confidently against a bright yellow background, smiling and raising a fist in a cheerful, encouraging gesture. They wear blue headphones, reflective blue sunglasses, and a purple T-shirt with a heart in the nonbinary (enby) flag colors. Above their head, a large dark-blue speech bubble displays the bold white text “You Can Do It!”, giving the whole image an upbeat, motivational feel.

These are some of the bits that it gave me as answer to my question about how to get my motivation back:

Motivation is a feeling. Activation is a process.
People with trauma, chronic stress, CPTSD, autistic burnout, and poor sleep often cannot access motivation logically.
But they can do something small that “primes” action.
Try:
The 30-second Start:
“I’ll just put on my exercise clothes.”
Or: “I’ll just start one minute of stretching.”
Once you begin, the brain often follows.
Pairing:
Pair exercise with something comforting (favorite music, audiobook, warm lighting).
Reward → movement becomes safer.

Use your grief and love for Arwen as an anchor
Not as pressure.
As meaning.
If it feels right, you can frame movement as:
“I want to be able to take walks in places she loved — in her memory.”
“She would have wanted me to feel lighter, safer, less in pain.”
“Movement helps me be the version of myself she was always proud of.”
Meaning-based motivation is stronger than discipline-based motivation.

With CPTSD, waiting to feel ready will keep you stuck.
Instead:
Do the action before the emotion arrives
The positive feeling often follows after, not before
This is called behavioral activation and it’s highly effective for trauma survivors.

When sleep is poor, grief is heavy, trauma is active, and burnout is ongoing, then surviving the day already requires massive effort.
Recognition reduces shame, and reduced shame increases motivation.
Healing isn’t about pushing harder — it’s about aligning with how your nervous system works.

A Bitmoji based on Cynni appears smiling brightly, wearing blue headphones, reflective blue sunglasses, and a purple T-shirt with a heart in the nonbinary (enby) flag colors. The character is surrounded by animated, floating hearts in a full rainbow spectrum—reds, oranges, yellows, greens, blues, and purples—creating a cheerful, love-filled, uplifting atmosphere.

Well… It’s good to know that I am not “just being weak”. But I do know that I am eager for positive change. Just wish I could get some better sleep to recharge my battery, so I am better prepared to take on the tasks ahead of me. I know I can do it, I have done it before, albeit without these circumstances… I’ve been dealing with a lot, and now, I need to find the best way to recover. The hardest thing is, I know that getting myself fitter again will help my recovery a big time. But, the efforts needed to get fitter, mean I need spoons to do those things… So, now… Let’s try to find a way to get there…

Thanks so much for joining me on this journey of life. Sharing the ups, and downs, the laughter, and tears. I will try to keep sharing the journey, hoping that things may only get better from here on out.

Thank you for your interest in my blog. I really appreciate your visit. If you like my posts and you want to share them on your social media, please, feel free to do so! I’d be honored. If you don’t want to miss a thing, press the follow button (you’ll need to be a signed in WP user) or you can follow me though the FediVerse with the link below, or scroll down and leave your email below this post. If you are a WP user and you would like me to know you liked my post, press the star/like button please. You can also comment when you see this post as a Toot on the Fediverse, and I’ll be notified of that as well. Thanks ever so much! Of course comments are welcome, but spam won’t get shared, so don’t bother with that…

Please be wise and stay safe! I hope to see you back real soon again, feel free to drop in anytime! Wishing you all the best. With love, Cynni 🌹

flic.kr/p/2qCtAEn

I am living on a disability income and don’t generate an income with my blog. If you would like to support me and my work, I’d greatly appreciate it. Every bit helps me tremendously. For more information and a donation link, please check out ko-fi.com/PlaystationPixy

If you prefer to use PayPal, that’s also a possibility: PayPal.me/CynniPixy

Thanks ever so much 💜

A new month has begun. We’re getting closer to ending 2025, which was quite a bad year for me… There were some good bits, but mostly, there was way too much pain, grief, and trauma, and I can’t wait for 2026 to come and maybe, hopefully, be an improvement… But, still two months, so hopefully I can make them count and maybe improve my heath a little before the year is over…

And while I tried to work well enough on my health, the scale had its ups and downs. As had my health, mentally mostly, as I struggled with loss of energy and motivations. Partially due to a low quality and/or amount of sleep. Partially because of the trauma that I still seem to be dealing with. But still, there were days where I was able to get some more steps and/or exercises in. So those were all little wins, little steps going forward…

I started the month with my weight at 81,5kg. It had a few lower bits, and some higher ones. But it seems to want to remain around this weight, and it’s just so hard for me this time to be able to finally get it below the 80, and keep it below… I’ve been “stuck” at this weight (81-83kg) for about a year now. And it bugs me, as I really want it back to at least 75… A little lower would be even better. But, on the positive side, it’s not increased that much either, not even after the two surgeries and all the traumatic bits that happened during the previous 11 months. Because, in the past, things like these would trigger my eating disorder, and have me binging until I got sick. So, even though the weight is stubborn, at least that bit went well this year…

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During this month, I have tried to get some more exercises in. I wish I were doing better, steps wise, but since Arwen’s passing, I am really struggling to go out and enjoy walks. I do try to head out every now and then, and I walk with my neighbor and het big black fluff when I can. But, the “old” steps numbers still seem very far away. I know I need to push myself a little harder, and get on the treadmill some more. It’s just so hard… I used to enjoy walking, I was so motivated on getting more steps in, faster steps in, so that some day, I would finally be fit and able to walk the Vierdaagse in Nijmegen with bestie. It just seems too hard to get myself back in that motivational mood… 😞

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I have tried to row a few times at home. It went well enough, but part of me is still afraid that I may end up doing something wrong with my leg, and my hip may pop out again. I know that chances are slim now, especially with the bigger hip ball, and after all the exercises I have been doing to make my muscles stronger again. But that fear lives in me, so much, that I think I am struggling with some form of cPTSD. I have made an appointment with my GP, both for my hip issues, as for my mental health issues. My hip area is still struggling with soreness, the area being warmer to hot at times, and there is still left-over edema in the area that is making things more sensitive. I hope my GP can help me, at least to refer me to some mental health care where they can, hopefully, help me with my trauma issues. As I do believe that some of my physical issues are also (partially) caused by my mental state of mind. (some more about that in this blog post: Dealing with trauma).

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According to these stats, while my weight at the end of the month was a bit lower, the fat percentage had gone up, while my muscles had gone down. Even though I thought that my muscles would be a bit better now, as I also notice that I can use some heavier weights at the gym these days. I know I could push myself harder, to make a faster progress. But I believe that going slowly, may be the best way for me now. Especially as I am also struggling with the mental health issues. And I know myself, if I push myself too hard, I will get injured in some way, and that will set me back more than I would like to… So, slowly, not pushing too hard. But, I also need to be “careful” that I don’t push enough, as it’s so easy to lose the little bit of motivation and just think “sod it”, and lose all that I have already worked on.

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I haven’t actively “tracked” all my walks, most of them, I just let my step counter do the work. Maybe I should remember to track the real walks more, as it will provide me with more information about it. And I haven’t tracked the weight exercises. I just try to do them when my body allows them, and when I am able to motivate myself to actually do them. I find it a hassle to try and track the weight exercises… I used to have an app that I used for it, to track my improvements. But now, I just try to do a little every time I am at the gym. And I need to get myself to use my treadmill, home trainer, and rower more. I have some dumbbells, and two thingies for my abs. I have mostly been too lazy, to unmotivated to be honest, to actively get back to some “real training”. I really hope that my GP can help me to get some help. I really want someone to try and help me with my trauma issues. But, it would also be nice if something could be done about the edema that’s left in my right hip.

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I tried to get a decent snap of the hip area, but it is hard to get the discoloration visible when taking a selfie of one’s leg, as the phone gets in the light too easily, casting a shade on the area instead. But yeah, even after 5 months, the area still hasn’t fully healed up, which is quite uncomfortable at times. Especially when the edema gets in the way, or when the area gets warm and even more sensitive again.

Still, I will try my best to keep going. And I am eager, in a way, to hopefully make some more progress during the last month of 2025… Onwards and upwards, as they say! 💪🏻

Thank you for your interest in my blog. I really appreciate your visit. If you like my posts and you want to share them on your social media, please, feel free to do so! I’d be honored. If you don’t want to miss a thing, press the follow button (you’ll need to be a signed in WP user) or you can follow me though the FediVerse with the link below, or scroll down and leave your email below this post. If you are a WP user and you would like me to know you liked my post, press the star/like button please. You can also comment when you see this post as a Toot on the Fediverse, and I’ll be notified of that as well. Thanks ever so much! Of course comments are welcome, but spam won’t get shared, so don’t bother with that…

Please be wise and stay safe! I hope to see you back real soon again, feel free to drop in anytime! Wishing you all the best. With love, Cynni 🌹

flic.kr/p/2qCtAEn

I am living on a disability income and don’t generate an income with my blog. If you would like to support me and my work, I’d greatly appreciate it. Every bit helps me tremendously. For more information and a donation link, please check out ko-fi.com/PlaystationPixy

If you prefer to use PayPal, that’s also a possibility: PayPal.me/CynniPixy

Thanks ever so much 💜

Cynni's Blog

2025-11-24 06:00:48

Dealing with trauma

I will be honest, finally, to myself… I am not doing OK. Many of you who have been following my posts here may have known for a long time, I guess. And, to be fair, I knew it too. I have written about the emotions, grief, guilt, pain, nightmares, struggles with my recovery, exercises, and weight… And I have tried to find solutions. I dove into all the into I could find about autistic burnout, so that I could find a wat to deal with it and so, hopefully, recover.

And I feel like the burnout bit did recover for a part. But, the symptoms that remained, those became stronger and more controlling, instead of also slowly becoming less. They became more overwhelming, more powerful, and way harder to deal with. My sleep started getting less good, I had more flashbacks and nightmares, I felt like I was unworthy, I didn’t feel like it (life, I mean) had any use at all… Some of my muscles have forgotten how to relax, causing me much discomfort. But whatever my PT and I try… They remain hard and tight, as the nervous system keeps the muscle contracted as a guarding reflex. So yeah, I am definitely not doing fine, whatever I may say or try to act as… And now, it is time to learn more, and then, be brave enough to ask for help.

Many times where I asked for help, I felt like I wasn’t really heard as a person. When the “usual treatment” of the therapy wasn’t helping me, I often felt like they thought I wasn’t trying hard enough. Like I wanted an easy solution that required as less effort as possible. They never seemed to realize that I tried to hard, because I wanted to “get better”, or “understand it more”. It took a lot of me to ask for help, because I always tried to find all the info to deal with things on my own. So, reaching out to others, which made me more vulnerable and anxious, was a big and hard step for me to take. And I wanted so badly to get help with my issues. But often, I didn’t feel seen, heard, taken seriously. Often, I felt like they thought I just didn’t care enough to put in the needed effort. And, instead of helping me go feel better, often I ended up feeling worse… Like a big failure. Which, of course, made reaching out for help even harder to do. 😔

In my youth, I’ve been bullied a lot. Not just with words, but with actions as well. Physical abuse, stalking, stealing from me, threatening me to hurt me more if I would speak out… And the worst thing is, the people that should have protected me where it mostly happened, teachers at school, they often blamed me for it, rewarding the bullies. They told me that I just had to ignore it. That I should leave them (the bullies) alone. But, it’s hard to ignore someone that’s pulling your hair out. It’s hard to ignore a group of kids, when they are holding your arms and slapping your legs with a twig until there was blood visible in my pants… And even then, I didn’t feel seen. So I guess that’s what has been a recurring thing throughout my life: me being in pain, in difficulties, and the ones that should help you just tell you what you did wrong. Which, to me, felt like they were saying that I deserved to be treated like shit…

What happened about 21 weeks ago… It was very traumatic. I didn’t have time to deal with one thing before the second thing hit me. And as muxn as the first thing hurt and traumatized me, the second part was the one that hurt most… Losing my gall… 😢

I thought I could deal with it if I gave it enough time. If I were kind to myself. If I allowed myself to grieve. I went through an autistic burnout, where I dealt with several meltdowns as well. I researched the bits and bops, and found some things that should hopefully help me to feel better again. I worked on that, and slowly, I started to feel like I was doing better. But… Some of the symptoms stayed. And… They even got worse! It got so much harder to deal with them, and I felt worse and worse… That’s when I started to realize that these traumatic events, combined with all the things from my past, were leading to one “conclusion”, one “thing” that seemed to fit my current situation best: I was dealing with cptsd…

I know that ptsd is in the DSM, and that cptsd isn’t fully recognized yet as a separate condition. So I guess it may be harder for me to find help with this, especially as my trauma may need to be dealt with differently due to my neurodiversity. But still, even though I haven’t had the best results from therapy, even though I am afraid that it’s gonna be something that I’ll just have to learn to live with, I know I need to try to get help. I’m slowly drowning here and I am getting too exhausted to keep treading water to hold my head up high enough… 😔

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I guess I could have had a higher score of I had not doubted some of the questions. In some situations, I wondered if it was as severe as it was, or that it could become worse still… I guess that’s what is making test like these harder for me. I always wonder if “things could get worse”, so maybe my experiences aren’t the worst they could get. I struggle to accept that it’s about how I perceive it now, and not how worse others think it may be. If that makes sense… 🤔 I found a list of the most common symptoms of cptsd, so I’ll share that here as well.

The symptoms of complex post-traumatic stress disorder are too many to list in the scope of this article. However, the twenty-four most common symptoms are listed below:

• Reliving the trauma through flashbacks and nightmares
• Avoiding situations that remind them of the trauma
• Dizziness or nausea when remembering the trauma
• Hyperarousal
• The belief that the world is a dangerous place
• A loss of trust in the self or others
• Difficulty sleeping or concentrating
• Startling easy by loud noises
• A negative self-view
• Emotional regulation difficulties
• Problems with relationships
• Thoughts or actions of suicide
• Fixating on the abuser or seeking revenge
• Losing memories of trauma or reliving them
• Difficulty regulating emotions that often manifest as rage
• Depression
• Sudden mood swings
• Feeling detached from oneself
• Feeling different from others
• Feeling ashamed
• Feeling guilty
• Difficulty maintaining relationships
• Seeking out or becoming a rescuer
• Feeling afraid for no obvious reason

Source: cptsdfoundation.org/2019/09/30…

I guess when you read all these bits, and if you’ve been following my posts here, you’ll see that many things that I wrote about are also mentioned in this list. 😔

I wish I knew what to do to feel better. But I guess the thing to do now, is to schedule an appointment with the GP and hope that she will be able to help me get access to the GGZ (mental health care). I am a bit afraid to do this on my own. I may need to find someone that would be willing and able to support me with the first few appointments, should I get the referral (and should the waiting list not be too long)… I wish it were easier for me to get help, the struggle to get it is almost enough to hold me back from doing it. If that makes sense 🤔.

To be continued… I guess… 🍀

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Thank you for your interest in my blog. I really appreciate your visit. If you like my posts and you want to share them on your social media, please, feel free to do so! I’d be honored. If you don’t want to miss a thing, press the follow button (you’ll need to be a signed in WP user) or you can follow me though the FediVerse with the link below, or scroll down and leave your email below this post. If you are a WP user and you would like me to know you liked my post, press the star/like button please. You can also comment when you see this post as a Toot on the Fediverse, and I’ll be notified of that as well. Thanks ever so much! Of course comments are welcome, but spam won’t get shared, so don’t bother with that…

Please be wise and stay safe! I hope to see you back real soon again, feel free to drop in anytime! Wishing you all the best. With love, Cynni 🌹

flic.kr/p/2qCtAEn

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I am living on a disability income and don’t generate an income with my blog. If you would like to support me and my work, I’d greatly appreciate it. Every bit helps me tremendously. For more information and a donation link, please check out ko-fi.com/PlaystationPixy

If you prefer to use PayPal, that’s also a possibility: PayPal.me/CynniPixy

Thanks ever so much 💜

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The image features a person and a chocolate Labrador Retriever. The dog is positioned on the left side of the image, with its mouth open and tongue out, appearing happy and relaxed.

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