…doggy sitting with love and loss…

When this post goes live, it’s been 12 weeks since I lost my furry soulmate, Arwen. It’s a loss that I am still grieving over, not a day goes by where I don’t cry some over missing Arwen so terribly much…

As I write this, I’m listening to the snores of two choccy galls. One is lying in what used to be Arwen’s bed. One is next to me on the couch, her body partially pressed against my leg. These galls are not mine, I am merely doggy sitting them so friends could go on a well deserved vacation. And while the girls bring love, sillyness and many cuddles… They also bring back some memories, making me cry for the love I lost. 😢

I know the bond I had with Arwen was very special, she and I just had that click where we felt each other’s needs (when Arwen didn’t try to hide hers from me 😢) and knew what we had in each other. I know that the next choccy that I’ll open my heart and home for won’t be anything like Arwen. And I don’t want her to be, as she should be special in her own little ways. 💜

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When I told my friends that I would help them out by caring for their two older galls, I knew that it would be hard. I knew it would be a constant trigger of my memories and my feelings of intense grief. But! I think I also needed this… To feel the love, in a way, from different dogs. To re-learn that not all dogs were as “easy” as Arwen made it for me. As that’s what she did for me. Whenever something needed to be done, especially when it came to her health issues later on, she did all she could to allow me to help her as best as I could.

Of course, when she was younger, she was more energetic and bouncy. All the times I flung her ball through the woods, into the water… All the longer walks we enjoyed… As she grew older, her arthritis was slowly setting in, causing her troubles during one of the things she loved to do most: go out on walkies (and play with her ball). The last months, our walkies became shorter. But she still seemed to enjoy them, and I loved every moment with her, even in the pouring rain. As long as I could see her having a good time… 😊

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Now, there are two galls in my house. Just for a short while, but long enough to have some impact on me (and on them as well, of course). Lotus, aged 10, and Aimy, aged 6. They are both more bouncy and more demanding at times (they will try to sit on you just so you can’t deny them any cuddles) than I have been used to lately. Plus, they are double trouble 😂 instead of just one… They have long leads, love to pull and zigzag in every way possible, and seem very interested in all the sniffs here (I think the bunnies and hares are most interesting to them!).

It is nice to be able to walk with them though, as long as they don’t try to tangle up their leads. And as long as I can keep my socks on. 😂 But during the nightly walk, which isn’t too long yet because I’m still recovering with my walking, it’s less relaxed than it used to be with Arwen. And, in a way, I miss that feeling… I miss the easy walking where she got her sniffs and I just browsed my phone at times (still keeping an eye out on Arwen of course!).

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I know these are completely different galls. Used to the ways of their humans. And it’s great that they and I are able to temporary adjust to each other’s needs and wants, so that their humans can have a nice vacation. It’s just hard at times when things trigger my memories and make me miss Arwen again… 😢

It feels so good when they cuddle up against me on the couch. It’s so familiar, but that’s also what makes it more emotional for me. It’s familiar, it feels comfortable, warm and loving… The galls enjoy it, and so do I. But it’s not… My gall. When they look at me, there isn’t that trusted look between her and me that needed morning more than that: a moment where we would connect and we’d both feel loved and safe.

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These galls have no knowledge of my grief, of the loss I am mourning, of the soulmate that I long for with all my heart… 😭 They only know their humans brought them to me, with their food and several of their toys, and they said goodbye and left them with me. They realized I was giving them food, walks, a place to sleep, and love and cuddles. They got used to my way of doing things, and I got more familiar with their behavior and needs. Slowly, they got used to my couch, to using me as a pillow, to demand all my cuddles and scratches. They started to feel more relaxed without their humans, knowing that I was taking care of their needs. It was different, but maybe it wasn’t so bad… (or that’s what I hope they’re thinking and feeling about it).

I don’t mind caring for them. Although sometimes a little bit of personal space would be handy. 😉 Walkies, even when they’re pulling and I have to be mindful of other dogs due to Lotus’s not loving them, are more fun then when going on them alone. The cuddles are, in a way, helping me heal, even though they’re also making me cry… It’s all part of grieving, I guess, and learning to keep going on without my gall at my side. 😢

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Maybe, in a way, they are also helping me to prepare for a new gall along the way. For over 11 years, I’ve been with Arwen. She knew my needs, I knew hers, and we adapted to each other to make us the team that we became. We became soulmates and we just felt what the other needed… To have known that kind of bond, that love and trust, for so many years… It’s hard to let go of something like that. But I need to “reset” myself before I am ready to welcome a new gall again. I should not keep thinking of how it was with Arwen, that would not be fair to a new gall. She needs to be free to show herself to me, to trust me enough to show me her character and her needs. She needs to be free to form a new bond with me, without being constantly compared to someone she never even knew… If that makes any sense… 🤔

But it is hard to “move on”, as it somehow feels like I am forgetting about Arwen, like I don’t miss her anymore. And those feelings are painful and difficult to move along with. I need to realize that learning new ways to make this house a new suitable home for a new gall isn’t the same as forgetting about her. That letting go of all the things I used to do to please my friend doesn’t mean I don’t miss her anymore. It means I am opening op so that I can be the best human possible for a new gall that I can open my home and heart to.

Being together with these two galls made me aware that having a good time with them doesn’t mean I love Arwen any less. It has made me sad at times, because even though they did their best to share their affection with me, and getting mine in return, caring for them made me miss caring for Arwen. As much as I enjoy the cuddles with the galls, the bond I had with Arwen just made these moments feel differently. And I know that these aren’t my galls, they are just here for the duration of their humans vacation. But that doesn’t mean they don’t miss their humans attention and love to receive mine for the time being. 😊

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I am slowly learning to let go of “I used to do it like this with her” and be open for doing things in new ways with new furry loves. I know that caring for other galls doesn’t mean I have forgotten about my lost love. Deep down, I knew all this already, of course… But when you’re confronted sigh it, especially for about 12 days, it’s helping, in a way, to work through some parts of my grief.

I have about one more week with the galls. They’ve been adapting to me, and I to them, and I think we can make the best of it until their humans are back to take them home again. I guess I will then need time to adapt again to being alone again. Grateful for the experience, but probably also grateful to get back into the routine I was trying to form for myself.

One of the quotes I’ve shared a while ago is very suitable to end this post with:

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