Am I too caught up in grieve to be able to continue my journey?

Or was my connection to Arwen really that strong and do I fear to let go?

For the last 10 weeks, I have been grieving. I have cried a lot. I still cry often… There are moments when I feel like she’s still around. Where I will see a shadow or think I hear a certain sound and part of my brain is just convinced that she’s still with me… I have been sharing many posts here that have been based around her life and her death. And I can imagine if you’re seeing this post and think “Will she ever get over this?”. And I guess it’s a fair question, because yeah, I have been wondering it myself as well…

Will I ever get over the loss of Arwen? Will I find a way to cherish her memory without the fear of bursting out in tears again and again?

And then I also learned a little about how grief can differ for NeuroSpicy 🌶️ people when compared to NT folks…

I have dealt with grief before. I grieved losses of people that I loved and cared for. I grieved losses of my old furry friends. But somehow, it never felt like it does now, as I tried to explain in yesterday’s post. I wonder why her death seems to have this huge and devastating effect on me. I know that our bond was special, I know that my whole world evolved around her. My routine suited me, sure, but she always came first. And, whenever I needed support, I never needed to ask… She just felt it and gave it, no questions asked, no judgement passed.

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I know I have written blog posts on grieving in the past. These are the “usual” stages of grief, as they happen for most people:

(the neurotypical) Stages of grief (taken from ClevelandClinic.org)

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross describes the five stages of grief in her book On Death and Dying. Although it was published in 1969, it’s still the most well-known resource for understanding the grieving process. For her book, Kubler-Ross interviewed over 200 people with terminal illnesses. Through these conversations, she identified five common stages people experience as they grapple with the realities of impending death.

Although Kubler-Ross’s work focuses on grief responses from people who are dying, many use these stages to understand grief across multiple types of loss. Stages include:

• Denial. You may have difficulty accepting that a loss is real.
• Anger. You may direct anger at multiple sources, including people who couldn’t save a loved one, God, yourself — or even no one in particular.
• Bargaining. You may imagine reaching an agreement, so you don’t have to deal with a loss. You may also regret past actions that you imagine could’ve spared you from loss.
• Depression. You may experience the complex emotions associated with depression, including emotional detachment.
• Acceptance. Eventually, most people embrace the reality of loss even if the pain’s still there.

Many people reduce these stages to linear steps everyone must experience to grieve. But the stages aren’t (and were never intended to be) rules. Not everyone who grieves experiences these stages, and they don’t have to happen in any particular order.

Of course these happen for NeuroSpicy folks as well, I mean, I recognize them and have experience many of them. But it also felt like something was missing. Like I was/am experiencing things that don’t really fall into these five stages. Which made me use the mighty Duck 🦆 and I tried to find some articles on this topic. I found some bits that I’ll share here. I will provide links to the original sources and I don’t claim any rights over the quoted texts.

Neurolaunch.com had a special post on it, which also linked so several others. But I focused on the “autistic grief” bits for now.

Unique Aspects of Autistic Grief (taken from Neurolaunch.com)

One of the most notable characteristics of autistic grief is the intensity and prolonged nature of emotional responses. Autistic individuals may experience grief with overwhelming intensity, leading to extended periods of mourning that can last much longer than what is typically expected in neurotypical grief. This prolonged grieving process can be misunderstood by others, leading to pressure to “move on” or “get over it” when the autistic person is still deeply immersed in their grief.

A little further along the article, they mention some more of the unique aspects that NeuroSpicy folks can find challenging to deal with:

Unique Aspects of Autistic Grief (taken from Neurolaunch.com)

Perhaps one of the most challenging aspects of autistic grief is the disruption of routines and the struggle with change that often accompanies loss. Autistic individuals typically rely heavily on routines and predictability to navigate the world. The death of a loved one can shatter these routines, leading to increased anxiety and distress beyond the grief itself. This disruption can manifest as:

1. Intense focus on maintaining pre-loss routines
2. Difficulty adapting to new family dynamics or living situations
3. Increased repetitive behaviors or stimming as a coping mechanism
4. Resistance to participating in new grief-related activities or rituals

At the end of the Neurolaunch article, they add this conclusion:

Conclusion (taken from Neurolaunch.com)

The journey through grief is a deeply personal and often challenging experience for anyone. For individuals on the autism spectrum, this journey takes on unique characteristics that set it apart from neurotypical grief experiences. The key differences between autistic and neurotypical grief lie in the intensity and duration of emotional responses, the challenges in expressing and communicating grief, the impact of sensory sensitivities and routine disruptions, and the cognitive processing of loss and death.

Autistic grief is characterized by prolonged and intense emotional reactions, difficulties in articulating feelings, sensory challenges that can interfere with traditional mourning practices, and a literal interpretation of death that can complicate the grieving process. Social expectations and support systems designed for neurotypical grievers may not adequately address the needs of autistic individuals, leading to misunderstandings and additional stress during an already difficult time.

It is always hard to deal with grief. And I guess the bond that I had with Arwen, the way our lives revolved around her (and my) needs, the years we spent together… I never had such a strong bond with a futty loved one before and I guess that makes this loss one of the hardest that I have ever experienced. And I don’t think that the traumatic events that happed just a few days before Arwen’s passing helped me to be strong enough to deal with it. I know I was strong enough to make the decision to release her from her pains, as I always promised that I would be there for her when that time would come. But some days, I feel like I should have made that decision sooner, that she suffered too long.

But due to our bond, I think Arwen knew about my struggles and she wanted to stay with me as she knew I needed her. And she hid her pain and discomfort as long as she could. And because I was so caught up with the trauma, and being in hospital for 2½ days in that week didn’t help the situation either… I needed her so much, that I fear I may not have wanted to see her pain… Although I do believe that she hid it until she let me know it was time, during that sleepless night we spent together… That night where she gave me that look that told me what I needed to know. Those sad eyes that still haunt me in my nightmares… 😢

Maybe that these experiences also make it harder for me to deal with her loss. Because I still feel so guilty towards her, that I fear I let her suffer too long, just for my own needs… If that makes sense… I am very sure that this will take me quite some time to process, and I wonder if there will ever be a time where I can talk or write about this without tears rolling from my eyes. So I used the mighty Duck some more…

I have browsed through several more websites that discuss the grieving process of neurodivergent people. Many mentioned the same points that I have already quoted from the Neurolaunch article. But I tried to get all the bullet points together to make this post as inclusive as I could, and not just focus on the things that affect me the most.

1. Processing Emotions Differently

• Intensity & Duration: Feelings may be more intense or prolonged, or they might appear delayed and surface much later.
• Alexithymia: Many neurodivergent people (especially autistic individuals) struggle to identify or describe emotions, which can make grief feel confusing or overwhelming.
• Masking: Some may suppress or hide their grief because expressing it openly feels unsafe or socially unacceptable.

2. Expression of Grief

• Nontraditional Expressions: Instead of crying or talking, they might show grief through changes in routines, shutdowns, meltdowns, or hyperfocus on certain activities.
• Creative Outlets: Some express loss through art, writing, gaming, or rituals, rather than verbal communication.
• Mismatch with Social Expectations: Family, friends, or coworkers might misinterpret a lack of visible grief as “not caring,” when it’s really a different expression.

3. Social and Sensory Challenges

• Social Demands: Traditional mourning rituals (funerals, wakes, large gatherings) can be overwhelming due to social expectations and sensory environments.
• Sensory Overload: Crowded, noisy, or emotional spaces may be intolerable, forcing avoidance that others may not understand.
• Needing Alone Time: Solitude to process might clash with cultural or family expectations of grieving together.

4. Cognitive & Routine-Based Differences

• Disrupted Structure: Neurodivergent people often rely heavily on routines for stability. Loss can shatter those, intensifying feelings of chaos.
• Rumination & Special Interests: Some may fixate on memories of the deceased, rituals, or details of the loss in a repetitive way.
• Difficulty with Executive Functioning: Grief can make everyday tasks even harder when combined with pre-existing executive dysfunction.

5. Support Needs

• Directness: Many neurodivergent people need clear, concrete communication rather than vague “I’m here if you need me.”
• Alternative Comforts: Comfort might come more from rituals, objects, sensory aids, or routines than from verbal consolation.
• Validation: They may need reassurance that their way of grieving is valid, even if it doesn’t look like what others expect.

Summary of what most of the sites or posts I saw mentioned: The biggest differences are often around how grief is expressed, how it interacts with sensory/social needs, and how routines and executive function are affected. Neurodivergent grieving doesn’t always match “typical” social scripts, but it’s just as real and meaningful. Some of the sites I visited were: Grief.org.au, Indiana.edu, and some others. There were a few longer and more “technical” articles online as well, and I admit, while dealing with grief and a lack of spoons, I have asked a summary for some of those sites to an AI. I didn’t just accept all it showed me, but the things that overlapped with what I had read on other sites, I used for the several bullet points I mentioned here.

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Slowly but surely, I will adapt to my new life, my new routines, and I will be able to live a life without Arwen. I will get used to not being greeted anymore when going home. Not needing to go outside for walkies. Not needing to set a certain alarm so that I can let Arwen go potty after so many hours. Of course I would rather have all these things in my life, if that could mean more time with my loving furball. And I know it will be temporary, that (hopefully) at some point next year, I will be able to open my heart and home for a new choccy love. 🤎

And that means that she and I will create our own routine, a new bond. We will learn abou eachother as she will grow up with me. And I am looking forward to that. But now, it is good to grieve. I will never forget about Arwen. And maybe the next choccy gall will be as special as her, and she will be, in her own way. But she will never be able to replace the one that came before her, nor should she be held to that. She will bring her own ways into my life and I will do my best to adapt and to make sure she will have the best life that she could wish for…

Until then, I grieve and I will slowly adapt. It may never get “easy” to deal with, when thinking about her. But I know that we had many good times, and I still have many snaps and some vids to always keep those loving memories alive…

makertube.net/w/7srYsMefH3bB3S…

Thank you for your interest in my blog. I really appreciate your visit. If you like my posts and you want to share them on your social media, please, feel free to do so! I’d be honored. If you don’t want to miss a thing, press the follow button (you’ll need to be a signed in WP user) or you can follow me though the FediVerse with the link below, or scroll down and leave your email below this post. If you are a WP user and you would like me to know you liked my post, press the star/like button please. You can also comment when you see this post as a Toot on the Fediverse, and I’ll be notified of that as well. Thanks ever so much! Of course comments are welcome, but spam won’t get shared, so don’t bother with that…

Please be wise and stay safe! I hope to see you back real soon again, feel free to drop in anytime! Wishing you all the best. With love, Cynni 🌹

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I am living on a disability income and don’t generate an income with my blog. If you would like to support me and my work, I’d greatly appreciate it. Every bit helps me tremendously. For more information and a donation link, please check out ko-fi.com/PlaystationPixy

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Cynni's Blog

2025-09-12 05:00:00

Emotions everywhere 🐾

So much has happened the last few months. It’s not been easy, its been very painful, both physical as emotional. I endured the worst pains ever. First my hip dislocated and I needed an extra surgery. That same week, my furry soulmate passed away and I have been grieving for her ever since. There hasn’t been a day yet where I have not shed a few tears over the loss of Arwen.

Some days, they seem to go well. I feel a bit better. I get my chores done. My exercises are going relatively smooth. And I feel like I am improving some. And then, out of no-where, I get “reminded” again of being alone… I have had a few moments where I felt like I saw a shadow of Arwen in one of her spots, or when I was in bed, I thought I heard her nails clicking on the floor, like she was slowly walking through the room. And it just makes me weep like I’ve just lost her. The worst of it is, one of the memories that is plagueing me is how she looked at me during her last night. Those eyes, that sadness, the hidden pain, no longer being able to remain hidden from me… 😭

I have lost pets before. I have experienced the pain and loss several times before I had to say goodbye to Arwen. But this one is hitting me the hardest. Maybe because I am all alone now, when I lost my previous furry ones, I always was in a relationship, so I could “share the grief”. But Arwen and I had a special bond, she was my furry soulmate, the way she was with me, I never really had that before. And, to make it worse than it already would be, when I had to say goodbye to her, I was still dealing with some major trauma from a few days previous, and I just wasn’t strong enough to deal with it all.

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Which is partially untrue though, I guess… 🤔 Because yeah, I felt like the worst and I was very traumatized, but still I realized what was happening during that last night and I did do all I could do to be there for Arwen and to relieve her from the pain and suffering. I did make that hardest choice and yeah, it wasn’t hard because I knew it was the best for Arwen, it was hard because I would be adding more pain to my already fragile state. I knew that Arwen needed to be set free from her painful, worn out, body. I never wanted her to be in any pain, and I feel that she had been suffering longer than she wanted to show me. And that’s part of the emotion that I am still struggling with…

I feel like I let it get too far. She tried to hide her suffering, and I was so occupied with my surgery, with my recovery, and I needed her so much with that, that I “just” didn’t see how the (then unknown to me) tumor was affecting her. We were also exteriencing a heatwave at the time, so part of me thoought it could just be the weather being too much for her at the time. Which probably didn’t help…

It’s been 10 weeks since I have had to say my goodbye to her. And I promised her there and then that I would not give up. That I would keep believing in myself like she (Arwen) had believed in me. And, I have been doing that! All the physical pain that I have endured during the last 10 weeks… I grumbled. I moped. I have been angry about it a few times. But, I haven’t given up!

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I wanted to. I felt so drained and exhausted and I thought that I had given all that I could. The spoons were all out and I felt like this was just gonna be as good as it could get. But then I reminded myself to the promise I had made to Arwen during her last night. Even if she would not be at my side anymore, I know she would live on in my heart. Her support, her believe in me, it was all in there. So, a few times during the night, I cried while I “talked to Arwen”, and somehow it felt like she was still here, with me, listening as only she could… Like she understood every word of it, and she would look at me and I knew it would be OK. Some things did take their time and efforts, but in the end, Arwen was alwys right. Things did have a way of working out. Not always all the way I hoped for, but often it was close enough.

Still, it is such a weird sensation. To see some shadows move in the crate and think she’s in there, sleeping. To walk through a darkend room towards the loo, and think that Arwen is laying near the bedroom door, by the way the light came through the curtains and cast some shadows. To lay in bed and think that I can hear the ticking of her nails on the floor… Deep down, I know she could never cast a shadow or make any kind of sound ever again. But somehow, it feels like she is still with me at times. And I just want it to be true because life without her just isn’t the same… It’s empty, lonely, with a lot less love… 😢

So some days, I am doing fairly OK. I had a decent night, I had a good time at the gym, I have been able to do some chores and/or my other exercises. I can feel pretty good and just sit down to relax a bit. Often, that’s when something will trigger me into thinking of her, missing her, needing her… And I break down and cry. I try to remember all the good in her, and I cry some more. I know this will take a lot of tears and time. I guess a bond like ours is just too special to “get over easily”, as the loss is just huge and painful. I know I “just” need to get used to being alone, to not having to care about her anymore, to having a house as empty as it is now… Some day, hopefully next year, I hope that I can open my heart and home for a new choccy love. It never will replace Arwen, but it will fill up an emptiness that she left behind. It will give me an extra purpose to do my best in my every day life. And I know I can do a fairly decent job at that, because I have learned it all from the best…

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Thank you for your interest in my blog. I really appreciate your visit. If you like my posts and you want to share them on your social media, please, feel free to do so! I’d be honored. If you don’t want to miss a thing, press the follow button (you’ll need to be a signed in WP user) or you can follow me though the FediVerse with the link below, or scroll down and leave your email below this post. If you are a WP user and you would like me to know you liked my post, press the star/like button please. You can also comment when you see this post as a Toot on the Fediverse, and I’ll be notified of that as well. Thanks ever so much! Of course comments are welcome, but spam won’t get shared, so don’t bother with that…

Please be wise and stay safe! I hope to see you back real soon again, feel free to drop in anytime! Wishing you all the best. With love, Cynni 🌹

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I am living on a disability income and don’t generate an income with my blog. If you would like to support me and my work, I’d greatly appreciate it. Every bit helps me tremendously. For more information and a donation link, please check out ko-fi.com/PlaystationPixy

If you prefer to use PayPal, that’s also a possibility: PayPal.me/CynniPixy

Thanks ever so much 💜

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The image features a person and a chocolate Labrador Retriever. The dog is positioned on the left side of the image, with its mouth open and tongue out, appearing happy and relaxed.

^Flickr