So much has happened the last few months. It’s not been easy, its been very painful, both physical as emotional. I endured the worst pains ever. First my hip dislocated and I needed an extra surgery. That same week, my furry soulmate passed away and I have been grieving for her ever since. There hasn’t been a day yet where I have not shed a few tears over the loss of Arwen.

Some days, they seem to go well. I feel a bit better. I get my chores done. My exercises are going relatively smooth. And I feel like I am improving some. And then, out of no-where, I get “reminded” again of being alone… I have had a few moments where I felt like I saw a shadow of Arwen in one of her spots, or when I was in bed, I thought I heard her nails clicking on the floor, like she was slowly walking through the room. And it just makes me weep like I’ve just lost her. The worst of it is, one of the memories that is plagueing me is how she looked at me during her last night. Those eyes, that sadness, the hidden pain, no longer being able to remain hidden from me… 😭

I have lost pets before. I have experienced the pain and loss several times before I had to say goodbye to Arwen. But this one is hitting me the hardest. Maybe because I am all alone now, when I lost my previous furry ones, I always was in a relationship, so I could “share the grief”. But Arwen and I had a special bond, she was my furry soulmate, the way she was with me, I never really had that before. And, to make it worse than it already would be, when I had to say goodbye to her, I was still dealing with some major trauma from a few days previous, and I just wasn’t strong enough to deal with it all.

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Which is partially untrue though, I guess… 🤔 Because yeah, I felt like the worst and I was very traumatized, but still I realized what was happening during that last night and I did do all I could do to be there for Arwen and to relieve her from the pain and suffering. I did make that hardest choice and yeah, it wasn’t hard because I knew it was the best for Arwen, it was hard because I would be adding more pain to my already fragile state. I knew that Arwen needed to be set free from her painful, worn out, body. I never wanted her to be in any pain, and I feel that she had been suffering longer than she wanted to show me. And that’s part of the emotion that I am still struggling with…

I feel like I let it get too far. She tried to hide her suffering, and I was so occupied with my surgery, with my recovery, and I needed her so much with that, that I “just” didn’t see how the (then unknown to me) tumor was affecting her. We were also exteriencing a heatwave at the time, so part of me thoought it could just be the weather being too much for her at the time. Which probably didn’t help…

It’s been 10 weeks since I have had to say my goodbye to her. And I promised her there and then that I would not give up. That I would keep believing in myself like she (Arwen) had believed in me. And, I have been doing that! All the physical pain that I have endured during the last 10 weeks… I grumbled. I moped. I have been angry about it a few times. But, I haven’t given up!

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I wanted to. I felt so drained and exhausted and I thought that I had given all that I could. The spoons were all out and I felt like this was just gonna be as good as it could get. But then I reminded myself to the promise I had made to Arwen during her last night. Even if she would not be at my side anymore, I know she would live on in my heart. Her support, her believe in me, it was all in there. So, a few times during the night, I cried while I “talked to Arwen”, and somehow it felt like she was still here, with me, listening as only she could… Like she understood every word of it, and she would look at me and I knew it would be OK. Some things did take their time and efforts, but in the end, Arwen was alwys right. Things did have a way of working out. Not always all the way I hoped for, but often it was close enough.

Still, it is such a weird sensation. To see some shadows move in the crate and think she’s in there, sleeping. To walk through a darkend room towards the loo, and think that Arwen is laying near the bedroom door, by the way the light came through the curtains and cast some shadows. To lay in bed and think that I can hear the ticking of her nails on the floor… Deep down, I know she could never cast a shadow or make any kind of sound ever again. But somehow, it feels like she is still with me at times. And I just want it to be true because life without her just isn’t the same… It’s empty, lonely, with a lot less love… 😢

So some days, I am doing fairly OK. I had a decent night, I had a good time at the gym, I have been able to do some chores and/or my other exercises. I can feel pretty good and just sit down to relax a bit. Often, that’s when something will trigger me into thinking of her, missing her, needing her… And I break down and cry. I try to remember all the good in her, and I cry some more. I know this will take a lot of tears and time. I guess a bond like ours is just too special to “get over easily”, as the loss is just huge and painful. I know I “just” need to get used to being alone, to not having to care about her anymore, to having a house as empty as it is now… Some day, hopefully next year, I hope that I can open my heart and home for a new choccy love. It never will replace Arwen, but it will fill up an emptiness that she left behind. It will give me an extra purpose to do my best in my every day life. And I know I can do a fairly decent job at that, because I have learned it all from the best…

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