You are writing so that right there is fantastic!!!! Sharing your process as a writer, an artist, and as a neurodivergent makes space for others to try, to go further. Your writing site and post shares vulnerability with courage in a way that makes me feel a little more brave, a little more willing to write more, and take next steps toward doing something with it besides hiding notebooks that then get lost, coffee stained, moldy, illegible.

I love seeing the multidimensional thoughts exploding out of your mind onto the screen!

Here on the fedi, lots of folx have encouraged more sharing of raw, in progress, imperfect (it is ART ffs; nothing is perfect, it is a process~I remind myself in grumpy little yellish voice) work. I find that invigorating, freeing, encouraging, and solidaritous. ✊ I say Keep Doing It! Keep writing and posting however you like.

Someone recently posted a vid about creativity and tolerance for ~nnngggyyyyuuuh~something uncomfortable, don't remember, may look and find but no promises~criticism of unpolished or less polished work, arguing that doing so is more effective and active in making art than waiting until a work is "perfect". I am only partly remembering, probs didn't finish whole vid, may be mischaracterizing, but that is what I took from it.

Thank you for sharing your work!!!!

"But perhaps messy, fractured, unclear, opaquely artsy, and even a bit confounding is not only what I have to offer right now, but actually more true to myself than the clear, focused linear communication I've been trying to force myself into for a lifetime."

Maybe its who you are, right now? And maybe that's ok. I dunno. Your writing can definitely be hard to follow but I think that that often adds to its punchiness, because the problems you are trying to solve have no easy solutions. If your writing were neatly ordered like we were taught in English (capitalized), there would be dissonance between your experience, your message, and the way its presented.

I'm going through a process of deciding whether to accept my current creative output as who I am warts and all or whether I need to buckle down into some new growth I haven't thought of yet. I think the answer is probably a mix of both. Just today I agonized for 20 minutes over a really personal email to an old friend and then promptly deleted it because I decided that my brain was never going to be satisfied with how the words would look on the page. My own frustration with how it appeared completely lost the message of what I was trying to say, to the point that I lost all confidence that I could know how my message would be received. Better on the phone, I guess.

I've found some success with vocalizing and recording my thoughts in a monologue, and if they are any good, transcribing them. I really like outlining my thoughts on a whiteboard. I practice my essays verbally first and that's often helpful. But its not a magic solution because that can create more work and if the product is poor, more frustration. Sometimes I wish I could just sit down and start writing all the thoughts in my head and not obsess over editing them. Maybe that's something I need to try more. I think this is all part of why I jump between so many interests and projects because sometimes I'm just stuck and thats ok so I have to blow where the wind takes me. Sometimes I need to accept that its a time for learning and not creation - maybe my brain is telling me my next creation relies on learning a skill I don't have yet, so I can't get angry at my inability to create.

I hope this exercise helped you get a little bit unstuck ❤ the funny thing is i'm doing the obsessing over this message. I don't want to press send because its scary putting the imperfect words out there, like you say.