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Items tagged with: Jeffrey Epstein


Trump To Vance: ‘I Need You To Say You Stole My Face In The 1990s’


WASHINGTON—Taking the vice president aside to discuss the administration’s response to the upcoming House of Representatives vote to release the Epstein files, President Donald Trump reportedly instructed JD Vance on Monday to say that he had stolen Trump’s face in the 1990s. “Here’s the plan: If you just come out and say that, in 1992, […]

The post Trump To Vance: ‘I Need You To Say You Stole My Face In The 1990s’ appeared first on The Onion.


Megyn Kelly Anxiously Waits For Everyone Else To Start Condoning Pedophilia Too


NEW YORK—Faced with backlash against comments she made last week downplaying the sex trafficking crimes of Jeffrey Epstein, an anxious Megyn Kelly appeared on her podcast Monday waiting for everyone else to start condoning pedophilia too. “I can’t be the only person who thinks having sex with a teenager isn’t all that bad, so don’t […]

The post Megyn Kelly Anxiously Waits For Everyone Else To Start Condoning Pedophilia Too appeared first on The Onion.


‘No! Not Larry Summers!’ Wails Devastated Nation


WASHINGTON—Responding to recent revelations suggesting the prominent economist was a close associate of the late child sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein, a devastated nation reportedly joined together to wail “No! Not Larry Summers!” on Thursday. “Oh please God, not Bill Clinton’s treasury secretary Larry Summers!” said visibly distraught Iowa resident Carrie Pritchard, who echoed the sentiment […]

The post ‘No! Not Larry Summers!’ Wails Devastated Nation appeared first on The Onion.


Trump Says Epstein Emails Only Prove He One Of The Most Emailed-About Men In History


WASHINGTON—In the wake of the House Oversight Committee releasing more than 20,000 pages of documents from the estate of Jeffrey Epstein, some of which raised questions about the extent of the president’s relationship with the convicted sex offender, Donald Trump on Thursday downplayed his name appearing in Epstein’s correspondence by saying it only proved he […]

The post Trump Says Epstein Emails Only Prove He One Of The Most Emailed-About Men In History appeared first on The Onion.


Mike Johnson, a defender of a dictator, wildly blames Zohran Mamdani for the government shutdown



Prince Andrew Surrenders Royal Titles


Prince Andrew relinquished all of his royal titles, including Duke of York, amid ongoing public scrutiny over his ties to disgraced sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein. What do you think?

The post Prince Andrew Surrenders Royal Titles appeared first on The Onion.


Republicans Distract From Epstein Controversy By Each Sharing Most Embarrassing Moment Of Life


WASHINGTON—In a move that ignited numerous media firestorms expected to last for several news cycles, the GOP provided a distraction from the Epstein files controversy on Tuesday by going around the House of Representatives and having its lawmakers share the most embarrassing moments of their lives. “It began when one congressman took the floor and […]

The post Republicans Distract From Epstein Controversy By Each Sharing Most Embarrassing Moment Of Life appeared first on The Onion.