Well… This was not the bestest month… I still struggled sigh my herniated disc, although with better meds, it was getting a bit easier to do things, and I did feel it improving… Slowly…. I tried to get some longer walks in with Koa, now he’s going in to being 5 months, so being allowed to walk a bit further…

I managed some rides on my bike as well (the home trainer, not a real bike). I struggled with my food intake. I didn’t use the scale a lot, as it takes some time to take its measurements, and standing straight op, for a longer time, was not something I was able to do properly… So yeah, I guess my weight and all wasn’t the best this month. But… My back is slowly getting better, Koa is slowly improving… So, my fingers 🤞🏻 (and toes! 😂 haha ) are crossed that I will be able to start going to the gym again in August… 🍀

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I started the month with a rather decent weight. And, I had such high hopes that, by the end of it, it would be even better… Well, that taught me not to have hopes, as my weight went up again… Not too bad, but enough to make me feel bad about it.

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I didn’t get a half-way measuring, so this one is taken a wee bit later. I tried to watch my food, but I struggled several days with severe feelings of sadness, shame, and general “bläh”, which caused me to eat too much… Even though I tried to get more steps in, some days I did really well, and then other days, I barely made the low goal I still have, which took down my average a bit, unfortunately.

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Koa and I did start to try and take longer walkies. We’ve been to the Hatertse Vennen twice, for the first time on July 3rd, and then again on the 12th. Koa was very impressed, but not too eager to really “jump” into the water just yet. A week later, on the 19th, mum and I took Sir Barks-A-Lot™ and Koa to the Herperduin for the first time. It was a bit of a longer walk, and Koa and I were exhausted when we got back. But, it was great to do, and I do believe we’ll go again later on.

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Koa and I also started to explore the “old” SniffiVerse™ walkies a bit more. We slowly started with expanding the route a bit. It was still a bit scary for Koa, as the dark brings out different sounds and experiences. We slowly upped the walks, and several were about 1,8km (about 1,12 miles), and even one of 2,12km (about 1,32 miles) when he’d turned 5 months. The longest walk we’ve done, was the one to the Herperduin. But, we had a little break on the bench there, before we headed back. We can’t build up too fast, as his bones are still growing and settling, and I don’t want them to be under too much pressure, so that they can cause him issues (and higher risks of getting displaysia or early arthritis). But, with my back still being bad, and still needing meds, it’s also good for me to start things slowly. 😊

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Although I do hope to be able to start using the treadmill again soon. That, and see if I can go to the gym. I know I would love to start back there, but part of me is afraid that Koa will start a bark-fest when I am out, and that it will take me too long to get home… I know the average drive time to/from the gym is 17 minutes. So, should I have the tablet camera app running, and should I notice that Koa is in distress and not calming down… With getting ready, and driving home, it will take me about 20-25 minutes to get home… And yeah, as I get to the gym during the night, this would not be good to deal with, as I don’t want to burden the neighbors… 🫣 Although they never said anything during the first few weeks, where Koa had some of his musical moments during the nights… But maybe they understood it was due to him being a young pup. But now, he’s supposed to be growing up and learning, so it would be bad if Koa would bark for a long time…

Thank you for your interest in my blog. I really appreciate your visit. If you like my posts and you want to share them on your social media, please, feel free to do so! I’d be honored. If you don’t want to miss a thing, press the follow button (you’ll need to be a signed in WP user) or you can follow me though the FediVerse with the link below, or scroll down and leave your email below this post. If you are a WP user and you would like me to know you liked my post, press the star/like button please. You can also comment when you see this post as a Toot on the Fediverse, and I’ll be notified of that as well. Thanks ever so much! Of course comments are welcome, but spam won’t get shared, so don’t bother with that…

Please be wise and stay safe! I hope to see you back real soon again, feel free to drop in anytime! Wishing you all the best. With love, Cynni 🌹

flic.kr/p/2qCtAEn

I am living on a disability income and don’t generate an income with my blog. If you would like to support me and my work, I’d greatly appreciate it. Every bit helps me tremendously. For more information and a donation link, please check out ko-fi.com/PlaystationPixy

If you prefer to use PayPal, that’s also a possibility: PayPal.me/CynniPixy

Thanks ever so much 💜

Another month where my weight, health, and exercises still weren’t back on track… Koa is learning a lot, as we’re practicing for him to me OK on his own for longer periods of time. But it will take time before he will be at the point where I can safely go to the gym without him making a ruckus, and me getting complaints from neighbors that prefer to sleep during the night. 😇 So, we’re working hard on expanding the time that he van be on his own…

One of the ways we practice, is with me going upstairs to ride my hometrainer. So, that should help me to slowly get back into exercising a bit as well, or so I hope… Fingers crossed 🤞🏻 we’ll be able to book more success as the days of June pass us by… 🍀 (and then we all melted 🫠).

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During week 23, there was one day where I had a low weight… Of course it was on the first day of the new month. So it looks like I was doing really well, which I hoped for as well, but the next day, my scale warned me that all the positive thoughts I had were easily taken away again… 😔 As on June 2, my scale showed me the numbers: 84,6kg again… An increase of 2,4kg. And I had no idea what had happened! 😱 The only thing I could think of was that I had a late meal on Monday late afternoon, when I usually don’t eat but sleep at that time… But it was a bummer for sure… 😔

beige.party/@PixysFitJourney/1…

The struggle with my weight continued throughout the month, especially since my back was really killing me, causing me a lot of pain, both in my lower back, as in the muscle that runs through the bottocks to the upper leg (and knee). There were several days where I just could not properly walk with Koa, even a short one on the grassy field behind the house would prove way too much to handle. So, of course this also affected my exercises, and my eating pattern…

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It’s hard to work on improving your health when you have a puppy, and when your body is in (terrible) pain, and when there is a heatwave trying to melt the country… It oy means that I haven’t been able to work on it as hard as I would have liked. But it doesn’t mean that I am giving up. If I had given up, I’m sure my weight would be a lot higher now… I’m trying to maintain what I have now, trying to use the few spoons 🥄 I have as best as I can. But when I currently have 5 spoons, I kinda still need 4 to deal with Koa properly. I don’t want him to suffer in any way. I choose to have him in my life, which means that I have to do all I can to provide him in all his wants and needs.

beige.party/@PixysJourney/1167…

Of course I wish my health would be better right now. That back is driving me crazy! I want to walk with Koa when it’s cooler, and even 600-800 meters feels like it’s way too long. Fortunately, Koa isn’t allowed to walk too long yet, because I could never offer him that in the state that I am in now. It’s slowly getting better, but the word slowly seems to be stretched out longer than the two Dutch folks that were arguing about a cent, and in the end, they invented copper wire! 😂 (that’s an old Dutch joke… That the Dutch are so “cheap”, that they fought over a cent, and because they both didn’t want to let go, they “invented copper wire”… Hope that this makes sense. 😂).

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On June 29th I finally got diagnosed with having a herniated disc in my lower back. Which explains the tremendous amount of pain that I have been dealing with for the last few weeks now. Together with my GP, I’m trying to find the best meds to help me deal with this all. And my PT gave me an exercise and tips to help heal up as well. It will take time. It will be painful. And I am struggling… But at least I know now why I am I so much pain, and why there’s nothing I can “just” do to make things better… 😔

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My exercises have been near to zilch, thanks to the back issues… I’ve been trying to deal better when it comes to food. I started the month with an OK weight. Then it fluctuated up and down several times. But, somehow, I managed to get it below the starting weight at the end of the month… Yay me! 😁

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I have no idea how things will go next month. I hope that my back will recover sooner rather than later. I hope the meds and exercises will help me with that process. My fitness sub is set in pause for now, and I just hope that… Well… Things will get better… I’m done dealing with this pain and all… 😔

Animated screen recording from the Silvergear Fit smart scale app, showing the user’s weight trend on a clean white line graph with a light blue shaded area beneath the line. The animation begins on the date range May 31, 2026 – June 13, 2026. Two highlighted measurements are visible: 82.2 kg near June 1 and 84.7 kg around June 10. The graph’s vertical axis runs from approximately 72.0 to 92.0 kg, while the horizontal axis displays dates from the end of May into mid-June. The line gently rises after the first weigh-in, levels off around the mid-84 kg range, and then dips slightly toward the end of the period.
The animation then slides horizontally to the next two-week window, June 4, 2026 – June 17, 2026, followed by June 11, 2026 – June 24, 2026, and finally June 16, 2026 – June 30, 2026. As each date range appears, the graph shifts left to reveal later dates while preserving the same smooth trend. The highlighted 84.7 kg measurement moves toward the left side of the chart as newer days come into view, and a new final data point appears near the end of June at roughly 83 kg, showing a modest decrease from the earlier peak. Throughout the recording, the graph remains smooth and stable, illustrating a small fluctuation in weight rather than dramatic changes, ending with a gentle downward trend after reaching the mid-84 kg range.

Thank you for your interest in my blog. I really appreciate your visit. If you like my posts and you want to share them on your social media, please, feel free to do so! I’d be honored. If you don’t want to miss a thing, press the follow button (you’ll need to be a signed in WP user) or you can follow me though the FediVerse with the link below, or scroll down and leave your email below this post. If you are a WP user and you would like me to know you liked my post, press the star/like button please. You can also comment when you see this post as a Toot on the Fediverse, and I’ll be notified of that as well. Thanks ever so much! Of course comments are welcome, but spam won’t get shared, so don’t bother with that…

Please be wise and stay safe! I hope to see you back real soon again, feel free to drop in anytime! Wishing you all the best. With love, Cynni 🌹

flic.kr/p/2qCtAEn

I am living on a disability income and don’t generate an income with my blog. If you would like to support me and my work, I’d greatly appreciate it. Every bit helps me tremendously. For more information and a donation link, please check out ko-fi.com/PlaystationPixy

If you prefer to use PayPal, that’s also a possibility: PayPal.me/CynniPixy

Thanks ever so much 💜

My glider will use a tow rope that is too strong. That rope, when under maximum pull, may damage the glider.

I need to install a weak link as a mechanical 'safety fuse'.

Here is one weak link system I can use:
wingsandwheels.com/tost-weak-l…

But which weak link is appropriate for my glider?

Federal Aviation regulations require a tow rope (or weak link) to have a certain breaking strength with regard to the maximum operating weight of the glider:

"The towline used has breaking strength not less than 80 percent of the maximum certificated operating weight of the glider or unpowered ultralight vehicle and not more than twice this operating weight."

ecfr.gov/current/title-14/chap…

To complicate matters, my glider can carry 400 pounds of water ballast. When I'm flying 'dry', I would prefer to have a weak link that is just strong enough for the dry glider, and when flying 'wet' I would prefer a (somewhat stronger) weak link appropriate to the heavier operating weight.

See the second graphic, which shows which Tost weak links I can use in the dry or wet ballast condition.

I will start out getting the weakest weak links allowed (green, yellow, and white) and see if that launches me well without premature weak link breaks.

Pro-tip. Try not to lift the rear end of the ground launch car.
youtu.be/kd9QxRPb3hk?t=33

#AvGeek #Aviation #ElectricAircraft #Homebuilt #Glider #DIY #EAA #Math #Weight #Safety

What a week. I tried to get through it best I could. Tuesday was difficult, as it would have been Arwen’s 12th birthday. We went to Nijmegen on Wednesday and took Bas home with us. I didn’t join mum on Thursday, as it would be faster for her to go alone and I could be with Bas. On Saturday, mum took Bas back home when she went shopping in Nijmegen. My friends came and they helped me to mount the shelf for Arwen. We had a good day together, but it was an emotional one. Sunday we took it easy, especially since I only got about 4 hours of sleep…

No music again this week. I’ve not been in the mood to listen to any music since Arwen passed away. Hopefully soon, I will be able to enjoy it again, and find new songs to share.

The weather this week seems to be adjusted to my emotions of the last few weeks. With ups and downs, and dry and wet moments, sometimes too hot, sometimes just OK…

Quick links to the days of the week: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday & Sunday.

Monday

Another rather broken night where I was awake every 30-60 minutes due to pain and discomfort. And then it took a bit again, before I could fall asleep again. I was still snoozing a bit when my phone woke me up. It was bestie calling me. I had not expected her to call, so I had not set my alarm to be awake in time for it. She told me she could call back, but I was awake now, so we chatted a bit. When we hung up, I tried to prepare everything for breakfast.

The parcel with my shelf is said to arrive later today. So we got ready for an early walkies after brekky. But then I checked the mail app, and they had changed the delivery time to an earlier slot. So, we had to wait for the delivery person to some by, before we could head out for a bit. But, we were in luck, the delivery came rather early, and then we went for our walk.

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After that, I worked a bit on my blog. I also wrote an email to a dear friend. Then, I got to my bed, and I relaxed there with some telly. I edited one of my favorite pictures of Arwen. It will be made into a special acrylic frame, so that it can stand next to the urn, when we set up the shelf. Unfortunately, the frame had a rather large expected delivery window, 6-33 days, so I have no idea when to expect it… But sweet friends let me know that they made some arrangements and they will be able to come to my place this Saturday, to help me with the shelf, and to catch up with me, after all that’s happened. They had some other plans initially, but they were able to make some changes, so they could come to me ASAP to help me with “Arwen’s shelf”. 🥲 So sweet of them…

I spent most of the day by relaxing a bit, as I was so tired after all these broken and painful nights. My hip started to get a very strange reddish color. We had expected some bruising, but mum had never seen bruising like this. So, to be sure, she took a snap for me. I sent a message to the hospital with that image. Telling them about the pain, my slightly increased temp, the swellings in the hip area. Within 15 minutes, someone called me! I had not expected that. She had some questions, some I could answer, some mum had to answer (I can’t see all of the bruise so I can’t tell them too much about that). The nurse who called was going to discuss the picture with the info with the doc, and then she’d call me back. So after a while, she called back. The doc had said that it was a deep hematoma, that was coming through now. If the wound didn’t start leaking or get too warm, if my temperature did not get too high, or I’d be feeling ill, then all was good. Should any of the mentioned symptoms happen, then we’d need to contact them ASAP.

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So I was a bit more relieved when we had heard that. When mum had taken the snap, I was a bit alarmed at the size and the color of my hip. It did help me understand better as to why it was so sore when I tried to sleep.

I made some dinner for mum and me and then we binged some more of The White Lotus. When mum and finished one of the episodes, we got ready for bed. I slept a wee bit better, as in, I woke up every 30-60 minutes instead of every 30-45 minutes. So when I got up in the morning, I still felt rather worn out…

Tuesday

It was a wee bit better night. But I was also a bit emotional, as today, it should have been Arwen’s 12th birthday. Now, I was just reminded that she, unfortunately, didn’t make it this far, and that it had been 11 days since I had to say goodbye to her. 😢 During one of the moments where I was awake and a wee bit sobbing, I placed a kiss on my fingers and then touched her urn with them. I talked to her for a bit, before I was able to dry my tears and try to get some more sleep again.

I got up in the morning and this time I was awake when bestie called me. It turned out that she was going for a run before she was heading to her work, so she “took me along” for a 13k run. We chatted a lot, and got interrupted by the wind every now and then. I set everything ready for breakfast and I ate mine. When mum came down, she was able to have hers as well.

When we were ready, we headed to Nijmegen. Mum had to do a few things at home. We walked with Bas, and then we headed to the store. And ow my, the store was filled with egocentric asshats today! Trying to get through with crutches was a big challenge, as people just didn’t care that they cut you off, blocked you with their cart, or that you were really waiting for them to move, so that you could get what you need. I had to control my urges a few times, as I really wanted to use those crutches to smash some people to the side. Ugh…

Das was complaining a bit about Bas being annoying with him. But yeah, dad doesn’t stick to the routine, dad doesn’t walk with him, he just does his thing and cares for Bas when it suits him. So when dad suggested that Bas may enjoy some more time with mum and me, we both thought it would be best for Bas. Of course, I was hoping that Bas would choose to snuggle up with me again during the nights.

We took the groceries and Bas home. I walked a very short round with Bas, while mum was busy with the groceries. Then, we relaxed a bit. The shortamas that I ordered for mum and me should arrive this afternoon. When they had come, mum and I walked with Bas. Then we made some food, before I decided to try the shortama out.

Mum and I finished the 3rd season of the White Lotus, and we started another series. But mum was very tired, as was I, so she took out Bas and then we got ready for bed.

The first bit, Bas slept in the dog bed. Then I got up for the loo, and when I got back, he was on the bed, waiting for me. And, I was very fortunate, as he decided to cuddle with me and the snuggle up with me. Every time I woke up to visit the loo, or to change my position, he just waited for me to be OK again, before he made sure to snuggle up again with me. And I don’t know if it was because I was so exhausted, or that I finally found some positions that I was a bit comfortable in, or that Bas was just the cutest snugglebug… But in the end, I got some decent sleep, and my watch told me, all together, I got almost 9 hours in. I felt a bit foggy when I finally woke up, but also a bit more relaxed… Ready to start a new day…

Hump day / Wednesday

I had a long night! I had a night where I actually slept for several hours! I don’t know if it was because I was exhausted, because the sore spot was a bit les sore so that I could sleep a bit, or if it was because of Bas cuddling with me during the night. I feel it might be a combination of all of these, But somehow, ever since I had so say goodbye to Arwen, I’ve felt alone, lonely, and sad. I know my mum was with me, is with me, which really helps me in so many ways. But somehow, when she takes Bas to be with us, so that he can sleep with me during the night… Bas is just so caring and sweet, cuddling during those nights, giving me so much comfort. I know it can’t take away the feelings of loss, but it does help me to get some better sleep, which is really helpful for my recovery.

When I woke up, I was a bit drowsy with a slight headache, so it took some time before I was “with it”. Mum had done several preparations, so we had brekky and then we went out for a walk with Bas. I really enjoy him being here. He fills up some of the emptiness, he brings cuddles and a wee bit of routine with his walkies and other needs. I know that he can’t make up for the loss that I am experiencing, but he does comfort me when I need it, so that’s a very sweet of him (and of mum for taking him and of dad of allowing him to come with us).

We got back, and I got my tablet and worked a wee bit on some journal toots and on my blog. When I was done with sending an email to a good friend, my head was producing a slight headache, so I lay down with some telly to relax. Then it was time to walk with Bas again. The weather was bad with making up it’s mind, one moment there was sun, the next moment it rained, and before you knew it, there was some sun again. So we left with some sun, and halfway through, of course there was some rain…

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We relaxed on the bed again with some telly. Bas even joined me for a wee bit, but when mum is downstairs, Bas is less clingy to me and more to mum. Which is understandable, as he’s her little dude and I am just “the other lady boss”. Another walk with Bas followed, and then I started to make some food for mum and myself. After we had eaten, we watched some telly. I went along with one more short walk with Bas, and then I got comfy (as much as possible) in bed. Mum and I saw that Sky had the old Twin Peaks on the streaming bits, so we started that one.

I got an email from the store about the ash pendant. There were several dates and times, so mum checked her calendar, and I emailed back confirming one of de dates and times. If all goes well, next week on Friday, we’ll be going to the store. There, the pendant will be finalized with the ashes that we’ll bring with us. I will pay and then, a part of Arwen can be with me wherever I go. I will only need to save for a necklace, and hope that I can find one that I can afford and that looks good to me.

I also got an email about the acrylic picture and frame that I ordered, apparently it’s on it’s way already, and they expect it to be out for delivery next week on Monday. If all goes well, the shelf for Arwen will be mounted by my friends this Saturday, so it should be ready for the frame then. Slowly, things are coming together. Bit by bit, the grief gets a place, the loss is still painful, but things are happening to slowly help me to process the mourning. Arwen is getting her own shelf, where she will be placed and remembered. I am getting the little bit of Arwen to hold close to me, where ever I go.

It’s been less than two weeks since her passing. I still cry a bit every night before I go to sleep, while I wish her a good night. Having Bas around gives me comfort, it brings me some joy and love in a time where I mainly feel sad and alone…

Around 23, mum took Bas out for a last short walk, and I got ready for some bedtime. When mum was ready and heading upstairs, Bas decided that he could join me on the bed. It took a little while to fall asleep, and I woke up a few times for the loo, and to get more comfortable in a different position. Only once, it took some more time before I was relaxed again, as I had woken up from a bad dream. But then, I was able to sleep some more.

I heard Bas go to mum when she got up, and I heard something of them going out for walkies. But then, I dozed off again. In the end, I got a few hours of sleep this night. My watch told me I’d been in bed for about 9 hours and I had been able to sleep for a little over 7 hours. So that wasn’t too bad at all.

Mum got ready to head to Germany, we had decided that it would be better if I would stay with Bas, and she could be faster without having to take me along everywhere. So it would be a relaxing morning for Bas and myself… A decent way to start a new day…

Thursday

I had a decent enough night. Bas helped me to get some sleep in between the waking up to change my position and to visit the loo. When I woke up, mum was already up and she’d been out and about with Bas. We had agreed that it was better if she would go to Germany for the groceries alone, and I would stay home with Bas. She’d be faster without me. And she would be able to make a pit stop with my dad, without Bas being alone too long.

I got up and fixed my brekky. I got my tablet and I wrote a bit for my blog and on Mastodon. Then I went to lay on the bed for a bit, as the longer sleep had made me a bit foggy and that was starting to become a headache. Bas joined me and I watched telly while he was softly snoozing against my leg. When he woke up, he indicated that he wanted to go out for a wee.

flic.kr/p/2rhd1iF

I did my best to safely put on his harness. As he’s a low dog, I had to do the “keep my right leg stretched out backwards behind me” manoeuvre to get Bas in his harness. It was challenging, but I manged. Then, we headed out for a short walk. It went OK enough, but I had to keep reminding Bas not to pull too hard. I had his leash in my right hand, together with my crutch. It worked, but if Bas would pull too hard, I would definitely lose grip on the handle of his leash.

When we got back, we relaxed a bit more together. I restarted watching “How to get away with murder” after I had finished Scandal. At one moment, as Bas was sitting in front of the window, he went all wild. He launched one of my crutches and that gave me a bit of a scare. But, it turned out that the post lady was in front of our house, sorting through her bags. And Bas got all excited because he usually is allowed to pick up the mail when it comes. Of course, I have an outside mail box, so there would be no mail coming through a slot in the door for him to gather. Bummer for him….

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I was writing a bit for my blog again when Bas got excited again. I saw a car parked in front of the house, so figured that it would be mum. I opened the door and helped with the bags. She drove the car around to the parking. I got the bags in the kitchen and opened the backdoor and gate for her. Mum put away all the groceries. Then, after she had a well earned cup of coffee, we took Bas out for a proper walkies.

I still had a slight headache, so when we got back, I finished what I was writing and then I relaxed on the bed again with some more telly. Even though I had a decent enough night with some sleep, I still felt a bit bläh. The last two weeks have been hard on me, even though I was blessed enough to have a lot of help with the funds for Arwen, with mum helping me out, and with Bas being around for the occasional cuddle and walkies.

I was getting hungry, so I made myself some dinner. Mum put hers in the oven after mine was done. We watched some telly together, and then we walked with Bas again. Then, I changed for bed time. The last short walkies, mum would do with Bas before bedtime, while I will prepare the final bits at home. Mum and I watched some more of the old Twin Peaks series.

When we both started to get rather tired, mum took Bas out and, as I just mentioned, I prepared everything I could so it would be ready the next morning. I didn’t now how my night would be, nor what time I would wake up. So best to have everything sorted. When mum was back and ready to go to bed, she gave Bas his nightly snack. Before mum was up the stairs, Bas was launching himself on my bed. He was a bit stubborn when I wanted him to move to the good side (so he would not hurt me during the night).

I fell asleep but kept waking up every hour. I was sad, triggered by the memory of two weeks ago. Remembering the last night with Arwen, where I felt so bad and sad. Where I was in pain from the earlier trauma, and where I felt more and more pain, as I saw her struggle to make it through the night. I was awake a few times, until I finally fell asleep for a bit.

Because of that, it was almost 9AM when I finally got up and ready to start the day. Mum and I walked with Bas. Then, I made my brekky while mum hoovered the house. Around 9:30, some tears fell, as I was thinking of saying goodbye to Arwen two weeks ago… This was the start of a new day, one where I feel I might be a bit emotional from time to time…

Friday

I had a broken night. Not because I wasn’t tired or because Bas wasn’t snuggling me. But because I woke up feeling very emotional, being triggered and thinking back about that long and hard night, two weeks ago. I kept reliving those moments, where I saw the pain and sadness in Arwen’s eyes, and I felt so helpless. I could not snuggle her, as I badly wanted to do. And that made me even more sad. She needed my comfort, she needed me to be there for her, and all I had were my words, my tears, and the way I was able to give her scratches. When all I wanted to go was hold her firm, but gently, and tell her I would do right by her. And I kept thinking on how I may have missed the signs earlier. Partially due to me being in the hospital, partially due to Arwen trying to hide them from me… But also because I didn’t want to lose her yet, and I struggled to see what was right before me…

People keep telling me that I had been the best friend for Arwen that she could have wished for. But, all this grief, it comes with doubts, with anger, with questions… And I can never answer those. I can never “do it better”, because it’s done. And I need to allow myself to believe what everyone keeps telling me. I need to understand that we all can have these doubts and worries in the end, that it’s part of the grieving process. But I can’t seem to let it go just yet, I keep having bad dreams. Either about the trauma of the hip, or about the “mistakes” that I made towards doing what was best for Arwen. So yeah, I had a night where I shed many tears, before I was able to calm down, before I could really snuggle up with Bas and get a few hours of sleep.

When I was awake, I made myself some brekky. After that, I got dressed and mum helped me with my socks and shoes. I have been practicing with the sock-help, and the left foot is going rather OK now. It’s just the right one that I still struggle with. I think it’s because the foot, ankle, and calf are still a bit swollen, so the helper gets stuck some at times. But I will keep trying. A sweet neighbor has offered to help me with my shoes, should it be needed. So if I get better enough that I only need help with the shoes, then maybe mum will be able to get back to her home again. I love all her help, and all she is giving up to be here for me. But I also feel guilty a bit, for keeping her away from her home for so long. I guess there are some pros and cons to being here with me, both for her as for me. And I accepted that I need the help she is offering me. But, yeah, as I wrote, part of me feels guilty about keeping her away from her life…

All dressed, mum and I took Bas out for walkies. The weather was nice and it felt good to be out and to enjoy the fresh air. When we got back, I got my tablet out and I wrote a bit for my journal and my blog. I tried to keep my emotions in hand. Because when we got back from walkies, it was about the time that Arwen had passed away two weeks earlier. I saw the clock and just felt this knot inside me, realizing it’s been two weeks now without her. But I can still remember that sad look upon her face during her last night. It still makes me break out in tears, because I realize how much she wanted to keep going for me, even when she was slowly but surely dying from that tumor. 😭

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I tried to distract myself, first with writing and then with watching telly. Around noon, we went for another walk with Bas. Mum had spent the morning trying to clean the floors of the house a bit, and we did the laundry. After some relaxing after the walkies with Bas, mum helped me with showering. Unfortunately, she made a mistake that made my autism go “boom!”. I know it was an accident and I know it wasn’t that bad, but it was just “wrong” and my autistic side freaked out… She used the body soap for my hair and the hair soap for my body. And it just felt so wrong… And later I felt guilty over my freaking out, because she was just tired and all, and it was a stupid mixup…

After the shower, I relaxed a bit. It took quite some spoons from me, especially with the mixup of the soaps. Mum had some coffee and relaxed as well. When we both regained some energy, it was time for another short walk with Bas. Then, we made some food and we watched more of Twin Peaks together. One more short walk together with Bas, and then I got as comfortable as possible in bed. We watched more Twin Peaks until it was time to get ready for bed. We prepared everything for the next day, as mum would be going to Nijmegen, and unfortunately, she will take Bas with her. I will miss the little furball…

I had a slightly broken up night, mostly due to the silly bad dreams again. Cuddles with Bas helped some, and I was able to fall asleep after a while every time. But due to the dreams, I didn’t feel very rested when it was time to get up again.

Saturday

The last night with Basje, until mum takes him along again. It was a bit of a weird night, where I slept OK for a bit, and then I was wide awake for a short while, until I fell asleep again. Bas was a bit restless too, as every time I was awake and playing with my phone, he would jump off the bed. And every time I put the phone away and tried to sleep some more, he quickly rushed back to the bed.

When I was up and dressed, mum already had her brekky. So we walked with Bas together before mum took him back to Nijmegen. Mum did some grocery shopping there and some chores at the house. I had brekky and then got my tablet to write a bit for my blog. While I was writing, my friends texted me that they were on their way to me. I had some time to relax a bit after I was done writing, and then they called me. I promised to guide them along the new route that maps didn’t know about yet. And then they pulled up tp the parking…

It was quite emotional as my friends entered the house for the first time without being greeted by Arwen. She has known me longer, and she knew some of the dogs that came before Arwen. But he had only known Arwen, and very briefly the other dog we had, Jenny (who stayed with my ex). So yeah, he was really struggling with the house being so empty and not getting all the cuddles before properly entering the home.

We talked a bit about the changes and I showed the urn. Then, I showed the ink paw prints, and he started to cry. So within seconds, we all were sobbing a bit over the big loss. They really loved the urn and understood why mum and I chose this one for her. Then, we started to prepare the spot where I wanted the shelf to go. But as we were measuring, we found out that there were electric wires running though the wall, at the spots where we would have to drill the holes. So, that was out of the question. We decided that it would be best to put Arwen’s shelf under the other shelf that was on the other wall. While my friends were preparing it all, I fixed some lunch.

After we had lunch, my friends went to work. The shelf was a little stubborn and didn’t want to be straight all the way (although I don’t really think the walls are all that straight either…). But with some cleverness, the shelf was up properly enough so that we could get Arwen on it. I put the two sympathy cards next to it, and the little heart shaped box with the small amount of ashes for the pendant in front of them. The shelf will be adjusted a bit more, as the acrylic frame should come in on Monday. And I still need to figure out what to do with the paw prints.

Mum came back from the shopping and my male friend and I helped mum with the bags. OK, I helped with one bag and he did the rest… I lay down on bed to do my exercises. After that, I needed to go out for a walk. My male friend joined me while she stayed behind with my mum.

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We had a very nice walk. It was a bit emotional, as this was the first time we walked here, where he could not hold a leash. Usually, when my friends were visiting, he would always want to walk with Arwen… So that was a bit sad for sure… It was warm, with almost 30 degrees, but loads of bits we walked were in the shade, and there was a slight breeze that helped to make it feel a bit cooler. We chatted about the surgery, dealing with the loss of Arwen, how everything going bad all followed up so quickly… It was very nice to chat about it with him, and I think the walk did both of us some good.

When we got back, I went to bed again, to rest my leg and do some other exercises. Mum and my friend were chatting along, and I was mostly listening while trying to focus on doing the exercises right. After a while, it was time to fix some food, so I prepped the fries and snacks. And then, we all got a tad emotional again. As my male friend did the same thing that I did, the first time mum and me had fries and snacks after Arwen’s passing…

The snacks, called frikandellen, are like sausages of some sort, with two endings. We always called those “kontjes”, which translates to the “asses” of the snack. As long as Arwen had been with us, she always got those asses of the snacks. So, like I had done before, he cut off the asses of the snack and then he realized what he had done… I saw him doing it before he realized and was already holding back tears. But then he realized and we all teared up. I told him that I had done exactly the same thing the first time we had snacks as well.

After we had finished dinner, my friends drove back home again. Mum and I settled in to watch some more Twin Peaks. And some parts of the second season are boring/bad as hell, and then it “works” a bit again, and then it gets bad again… I thought there were something like 12 episodes to the season, but there are a “few” more. Mum wants to know how it will end, so we do our best to keep going… I hope it will be worth it, haha.

Around 23, we went to bed. I had a bad night. First, I was sweating so much that I thought I had a fever, but my temperature was lower than it had been for a while. But due to the heat and sweating, I was itching all over. Then, I finally cooled down a bit so I tried to sleep some more. Only for one very annoying terrorist to keep buzzing around my head, every time when I almost dozed off to sleep. So I didn’t get enough sleep, and in the end I just got up. I did manage to capture the mosquito and mum could kill it then when she was up. I set everything ready for mum, then I had brekky. And when mum got up, and she had killed the buzzing terrorist, she was able to start her brekky right away.

I had wanted to game with a friend today, but I felt so tired, that I asked her if we could maybe game tomorrow, when mum is off to Nijmegen for a bit… Let’s see if I can make it through today…

Happy Sundog / Sunday

It was a very restless night. First it was too hot and humid, and I was sweaty and itchy. Then, when I finally felt a bit better and I wanted to sleep, there came a buzzing terrorist and it attacked me during the rest of the night. So in the end, I barely slept 4 hours when I just decided to get up and get started. I tried to clean a bit in the kitchen, where I swapped out the towels and all that. I prepared breakfast for mum and then had my own.

I was working on writing a bit for my blog when mum came down. She said I did well enough and thanked me for preparing her brekky. When mum was done with brekky, we headed out for a little walk. It was said to rain later that day, so we thought we’d better off getting one in while the weather was still good enough.

We had a nice walk, after which I got back to bed to do some of my exercises. And then I relaxed a bit with some telly on. It was a lazy day where I tried to save up on some spoons. Watched a lot of telly, wrote a little bit for my blog (I really need to catch up on that, I am really behind on that), and tried to get some of my exercises in. I made my mum and me an omelet for lunch, which was quite nice.

When the weather was still OK enough, mum and I went out for another walk. We were back for a while and watching some telly, the weather gave us some rain. But all the heavy rain and thunderstorms they had promised us, it was a bit disappointing. There was some rain, but that’s it…

I made dinner for mum and me. And when it was all cleaned up, mum and I watched some telly again. I was getting quite annoyed with Twin Peaks. It was getting too slow, too boring, and the music was the same all of the time, drowning out the voices.

Mum was busy in the kitchen and then made the remark that I should clean out the towels because they were “hard”, so she figured that they were dirty. While she knew that I had changed the towels and these were clean ones. So I got triggered because it felt like a slap in the face. This morning she told me that I did good and now she tells me that it wasn’t good enough. Ugh… Later I realized that she was used to towels coming from the dryer, and she has a more expensive washing machine… I know the towels look a bit grim, but that’s their age unfortunately, not because they’re not clean…

Mum finally agreed that we could watch something different. So from the boring Twin Peaks, I got mum to start the first season of Daredevil. Which was a nice change of scenery. And mum seemed to enjoy it.

Then it was time to get ready for bed. I had prepped everything, so mum and I could head to bed after we cleaned up and brushed our teeth. When I was ready to get some sleep, of course as soon as I was ready to sleep, there was a buzzing around my head. Ugh, not again! I scrambled out of bed, and I managed to find an old bottle with repellent. So fingers crossed that it would still be good enough to scare off the buzzing terrorist.

After some time, I managed to get some sleep. I woke up a few times, needing the loo and needing to change my position. I heard mum come down, and dozed off some more. Then, I got up and started my day. I even remembered to get to the scale before I got dressed.

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It was a weird week, a difficult week. Memories, tears, loss of routine, pain, grieving… I was very grateful for my mum still being with me. And she brought Bas with her for two nighs, and that really helped me. This week, I am still not in the mood for music. Haven’t litened to music in quite a bit, I am just not in the mood. All of the usual pixtures I normally share… I can’t take any new snaps, my big love is gone… If I can find the spoons, then I may try to edit some older snaps of Arwen to add to this post. But it’s just so hard. Looking at pictures of her… Memories, tears, longing to have her back at my side… On Saturday morning, we picked up her urn, so she’s back home, in a way… I can still feel her love and her support in my heart, I just can’t feel her anymore…

The week started a little colder and wetter, but as the days passed by, the warmer days were slowly returning.

Quick links to the days of the week: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday & Sunday.

Monday

I had a so-so night. Didn’t take a sleeping pill, as I didn’t like the side effects I got after the second night, and I didn’t want to become too depending on them. But due to the pain, I woke up several times. I needed the loo, and I needed to adjust the bed every time, to get some relief for my back and leg.

In the morning, bestie called me on her way to work. So we had a nice chat, which brought me some distraction. My mum had to go home today for a few hours, so it was just me, all alone.

I wrote for my blog. It was super hard, as I was writing for the journal post, and I had to write about Arwen… 💔 So I tried to write and I sobbed while doing so. Get some relief. Mum doesn’t mind me crying, she understands, but it was nice to cry alone for a while. Even though, of course, I rather had not been all alone… 😢

When I was too low on spoons to keep writing, I put away the laptop very carefully, and I lay back on bed. I wanted to move a bit, but I didn’t have my shoes on. But fortunately, when mum came back, she put on my shoes and we went for a walk. After the walk, we went to Lidl for a few groceries.

I relaxed for a bit after that, and then I made dinner for mum and me. We resumed the last season of The Discovery of Witches, which we finished just before bedtime.

It took me some time to fall asleep. I woke up a few times, once for a little while because my back was so sore. And then I snoozed on and off again, until I got up around 6:30. I was ready, sort of, to start a new and busy day.

Tuesday

I woke up several times during the night, mostly due to needing the loo and my body being sore. Even with the painkillers, it just got to be too sore and it made it harder for me to sleep with. So around 6:30, I got up, went to the loo again, and I texted bestie that I was kinda ready for the morning commute call, should she be ready as well. A little while later she texted that she was ready, so this time, I called her.

We had a nice chat while she was driving to a different location than usual, as they had a special staff meeting, as they were getting close to ending the year for summer’s vacation (she’s a teacher). She went to the site earlier, so she could run a bit before the meeting would start. She took me along for a short bit of the run, but then she needed less distractions, so she had so hang up on me.

I was feeling very anxious this morning. I had a PT appointment scheduled, and the last time that I was getting ready for PT, was the time where everything went wrong very painfully. So I was dealing with some of that trauma while mum and I tried to get me washed and cleaned. Then, we got me properly dressed.

According to my last letter from the hospital, they would call me today between 9-11. We did need to leave the house in time for the 11:30-12:30 physio appointment. But I only have my cellphone, so I’d be reachable while mum was driving to Cuijk, We arrived in Cuijk a little after 11, and still nothing from the hospital. I didn’t want to call them from the physio, so I told mum I’d try to get them on the line when we were back home again.

The physio appointment went well. My PT knew all about my fears and recent loss. And he did his best to comfort me and to assure me that, according to his expertise, it wasn’t my fault that the hip popped out. But it was probably already faulty and that’s what made it pop and hurt to much. And it probably would have happened sooner rather than later,,,

The second doc, who admitted me and who helped me with all my hip issues (setting it and then doing the surgery to repair it), she did say that she had to change the ball of the hip joint as it wasn’t lined up well enough. I thought that was because it was damaged during the dislocation. But perhaps, it had been the cause of it? So my physio tried to explain everything from his experience and he gave me a few exercises to start with. Of course they were painful now, as everything is still bruised and sore.

When the physio appointment was almost over, the GP called me. Mum picked up, and the GP said she’d call back in about 15 minutes. So the whole way back home, I was waiting with my phone at hand, as she could call any minute now. So yeah, she didn’t… Autistic me was a bit bummed, because of the said time not being taken seriously.

We got home, and I called the hospital, as it was past 13, and they still had not called. I left my details with the nurse and a few minutes later, I was being called back. Apparently they did note down the day and time for me in my discharge letter, but they didn’t put me on the list for the nurse that would be making the calls. So, she didn’t know that I had been waiting for her call… I got to ask my questions and I answered hers.

Then, mum and I wanted to head out for a short walk. So, of course, as we were just about to head out, the GP finally called again. I answered all her questions and then mum and I headed out for a nice little walk.

After the walk I tried to do some of the exercises and then I lay on bed to relax a little. I watched some telly and tried to process all the info I had been given during all the chats I had today.

I made mum and myself some dinner, and together we watched the documentary about Lockerby on SkyShowtime. I had already seen it, but mum was interested as well. We binged the whole thing together. Then, mum wanted to see what the newly added musical “Wicked” was all about. So we started that.

After a while, we were both very tired, so we stopped the movie and got ready for sleep. Unfortunately, I would have some very bad nightmares during the night… 😢

Hump day / Wednesday

I didn’t have the best night, but I managed some sleep here and there. In the morning, while I was still dozing a bit on my bed, and mum was upstairs getting dressed and all that, bestie called me on her way to work. We had a nice chat till she arrived. Then, mum came down and we had brekky. When we were done, we got our things sorted, and we went to the car, and then to my parent’s house in Nijmegen.

Dad had an outing thingie today, and their dog, Bas, was home alone. And the cleaning help would be coming in the early afternoon, so mum needed to be home to open up and prepare everything for the help. So, after brekky, and after the busiest traffic had passed, we went to Nijmegen to annoy Bas a bit. 😉

Mum had to do some things, and while she was busy, I was abusing the tablet I brought to work on my blog post honoring Arwen. It was hard, to think of all the things we’d been through in almost 12 years together. There was so much we did, so much we overcame, so much happiness besides the darker bits… So, I started writing and I let my emotions guide the post. I went with the things that came to me while writing. I didn’t think too much about needing to add other things. No, the thoughts I had now, the memories that were coming to me now, they must be some of the important ones, so they will need to be included. I didn’t want to write a 150 page memoir about everything. I wanted to capture how special she was, accompanied by some little vids and snaps.

When I had finished the post, I saved the text and sent it to my bestie. I asked her to proofread it. Were there things I needed to formulate differently, were there things that she knew about that I should include as well? When she replied later that day, she said it was perfect, just the way it was, and it had made her emotional… 🥲 Guess that’s all that I needed to know.

Mum was done with some of the things she wanted to do. So then, we went for a short walk with Bas, as dad never goes out with him (I know, I hate that too!). So we had a nice walk, and Bas could do his things and get some new sniffs in. When we got back, mum started preparing things for the help, so that she could do her thing while mum and I were going to the supermarket.

When we got back with the groceries, mum asked the help if she minded if mum and I would go to my home, before the traffic would be too busy along the way. The help didn’t mind at all, so we got the things in the car, including the little furball, and we headed to my home. We were fortunate, as the traffic wasn’t too bad yet, but it was getting a bit busier already. Had we gone later, then we’d probably had been caught in the “usual” traffic jam that occurs daily on the road between my parents and me.

Bas ran into the house, and he just was so confused. He went looking everywhere, but he could not find his big girlfriend. He was crying a little as he was rushing through the rooms, and I just cried a bit along with him… I share(d) his pain…

When the groceries had mostly been put away, Bas wanted some walkies, so we first took him out. It was nice to go for a little walk with a furball along the way. Mum and I had been taking little walks so I could get the walking exercise in every day. But, it did feel better with a little doggo along for the walk… 😊

We got back, and mum finished the groceries, while I sat on the bad and started several of my exercises. After that, I lay on the bed with some telly to relax. I tried to get Bas to join me, but he wasn’t too enthusiastic about it. Mum then joined me for some telly and relaxing time. After some relaxing, we took Bas out for a short walk again.

I fixed some food for mum and myself, and mum fixed food for little Bas. We relaxed a bit with some more telly. Then a short walk again with Bas. He is used to doing “his things” in the garden, but my garden isn’t really suitable for that. It needs to be de-weeded first. If he’d do his things in between all the weeds now, it would be even more messy to start working on the garden when I can… So, we go out for some short walkies, just as we were used to doing with Arwen.

Mum and I finished watching Wicked, and we found out, we need to wait for part 2 to know how it will end. Hmmm… 🤔 I browsed a bit in the available series, and found one that could be interesting for both mum and me, and I had not seen it yet either. Yay, small win! When it was time to go to bed, mum let Bas out for a final wee, and then she got ready for bed. Bas is used to going upstairs with my parents for sleepy time, but he can’t use my stairs, and it would be easier for mum to have him downstairs with me. He isn’t alone, as I am in the living room as well.

The first hour or so, Bas was a bit restless. When he found a spot to snooze, I was able to fall asleep as well. When I woke up for the loo, Bas joined me. Which was funny, as he walked under me as I was sitting there. That looked so weird! 😂 Then, I went back to bed and… I almost sat on Bas! Apparently, he was able to jump on the bed my himself! I shoved him a bit to the side, and he just sat there, looking at me like “whatcha doin’?”. When I had settled, he made a few rounds and then he snuggled up against me. So sweet… And it didn’t take too long before I fell asleep again.

I woke up twice more, and every time I got back from the loo, Bas was sitting there, waiting for me. And every time when I had settled, he would find his spot and cuddle up against me to snooze again… When I woke up the last time, ready to get up, I had slept for about 6½ hours. So not too much, but the hours I got with Bas, they sure made me feel a bit more relaxed. 😊

Thursday

After a fairly decent night, mostly thanks to the comfort and care of little Bas, I got up and ready for a new day. Today, mum and I would be going to Germany to get the “German groceries”. I prepared everything for brekky, so when mum came down, she only needed to let Bas out for a wee, and then she could slide in and enjoy the nomnoms.

When brekky was done, we walked a short round with Bas and then we got ready to head to Germany. We were a bit earlier than we had aimed for, but that wasn’t a bad thing at all. The trip to Germany went rather well, not too much annoying traffic along the way. We got our groceries and mum filled up the car.

Driving home to Herpen, I got an email with the bill for Arwen’s cremation. So I made sure that I would pay it right away, hoping that it would not take too much time then to be able to take her back home with me.

On the way back, we made a short stop at the little supermarket in my town, for the two things we needed that they didn’t have in Germany. When we got back, Bas was very glad to see us. We unpacked most of the bits and bops, but Bas was running wild, so I thought he might needed to go out. So we first walked Bas, and then mum finished up with the groceries.

I did my exercises on my bed, after which I needed some time to relax. I chilled out on my bed with some telly. Every time mum left the room, Bas rushed to me. Every time she got back, he was off again… Silly little furball.

After mum and I had relaxed a bit, we took Bas out for another walk. We watched some telly together, until it was time for me to fix some food for us. Mum had already made sure that Bas his little belly had been filled.

Around 19:30, we went for another short walk. After that, I got into my PJ’s. According to my watch, I had made about 5000 steps, so that was more than enough. But, it did feel good. I had been out and about, I had some fun with Basje, I had done my exercises and relaxed a bit… It wasn’t a bad day at all.

When it was time to head to bed, Bas waited till mum was almost all way up the stairs. Then he rushed to my bed and made sure to cuddle up against me straight away. And, like the previous night, every time I went to the loo, we was waiting patiently for me to come back. When I was settled, he’d make himself comfortable, cuddling up against me.

I didn’t get too many hours of sleep, but the ones that I got were decent enough, thanks to the little furball. He will be going home again and I will probably miss him (and his cuddles) loads.

Friday

I had another decent night. It was a short one though, as it took some time to fall asleep, and we had to get up early because mum needed to be in Nijmegen early for dad’s hospital appointment. So I didn’t have many hours of sleep, but the ones that I did get, they were good enough, probably thanks to my little cuddly black furball. This was the second (and last) night of Bas sleeping over at my place. And as soon as mum had gone up to bed, he rushed to be at my side again. So after having had two decent nights, I was a bit sad to see Bas go home again. He sure filled a void in my home, and his cuddles brought such a calm over me.

I got up and prepared everything for brekky. When mum came down, we had brekky. Then we walked with Bas before we headed to Nijmegen. Mum and dad left to go to the hospital for dad’s appointment and I stayed behind with Bas. I had my tablet with me, so I used that to catch up with some writing things. A bit for my blog, a bit on Masto…

Unfortunately, I could not be too comfortable at the dinner table, and after a while, even with some exercises and stretching, my leg started to hurt a bit. When my parents came back, mum checked my lower leg and it was swollen some, and the skin felt so tight to me. I was hoping that some movement would help, that it would become a little less ouchy if I would walk a little again.

Mum and I headed out to two stores to get some groceries for both my parents and for me. When we got back, mum and I walked a short round with Bas. My leg felt a bit better after that, so I was hoping it would ease up a bit now. I then received a phone call from the vet, they had received Arwen’s remains and we could come and pick them up. I hung up and then checked their opening times. They would close at 17:30, but I saw they’d be open on Saturday morning. So I quickly sent them an email, asking if it would be OK to pick up the urn on Saturday. After a while, I got a reply that we’d be welcome to do so, so that took some of the time pressure off, meaning we’d be a bit more relaxed when we would come to pick Arwen up.

I had to sit at the table again (those were the only chairs high enough for me to sit on), as mum had to go to a GP appointment. While I was sitting at the table, writing some more on my tablet, I felt my lower leg become tighter again. I put the tablet away, I grabbed a little stool, and put my leg on it. After a while, it did start to help a bit. When mum got back and saw the leg, she looked for an elastic sleeve. We went home again, unfortunately without Bas, and when we got back, mum put the sleeve on my leg. It felt weird for sure…

I made some food and after that, I put my leg up high on the bed. The elastic sleeve felt a bit tight, but it also gave it some support. I tried to do a few exercises, as my physio had told me that these would help to reduce the swelling (in time) as well. Mum and I watched some telly together until it was time to get ready for bed. Mum checked my leg, and the swelling was a bit down, which did help a bit against the pain. I took my meds, brushed my teeth, and got to bed. And then I became a bit sad, as Arwen was not home yet, and I didn’t have the little back furball to cuddle with during the night.

I woke up around 3 am with a very heavy pain in my lower back. It just hurt so much, that I struggled to get up. But I had to do so, because I had to take painkiller. It took quite a while before I felt relaxed enough again to fall asleep. I woke up half a bit, adjusted the bed, and dozed off again. I was so tired. And, as it’s weekend, this morning there was no construction noise starting just before 7, so I was able to sleep in a bit. Which helped me regain some spoons, that I really needed to face the challenge of picking up Arwen…

Saturday

My back has been giving me so many troubles. Before it all went wrong, I was finally able to sleep on both my sides again. Just for shorter periods of time, but it helped me so much. It gave my back, especially my lower back, so much relief. But then, the hip dislocated, and I had been in a crooked position for several hours. They put me under and yanked on my leg to pop it back in. They gave me another surgery. It’s safe to say that my lower back hates me all the way. I am back to well, sleeping on my back. I am not allowed to sleep on my left side anymore. I can be on that side for short amounts of time, using the pillow between my legs, but I can’t sleep on that side, as that would leave me vulnerable to my right leg sliding too low when I am out. Anywhooo…..

Long story made short: I have had a bad night, because my back was so painful and sore. I tried to be comfortable by adjusting the bed every time I woke up with pain. But it only worked for short amounts of time. For a while, I just sat on the side of the bed, trying to stretch my back as safely as I could. I even took an extra painkiller because it was so sore and I really needed to sleep some more. I spent some time on my phone, and when I felt the meds start to help me some, I tried to get comfortable again to get some more sleep if I could.

When I woke up, I was so exhausted and sore. When mum and I had our brekky, we went to the vet to pick up Arwen’s urn. It was waiting there for us, all packed up nicely. The ladies working there gave their condolences and wished us much strength with the recent loss. I had the bag between my feet, while we drove back home again. A quick stop at Lidl for some snacks for me. Mum went to get them while I waited in the car.

When we got home, we carefully unpacked the urn. The wrapping came off and, while it was such a sad happening, I also saw the beauty of the urn. Now I understood why it had been so expensive. But… It was beautiful. When mum and I saw it, we both had tears in our eyes. I didn’t have a real place for her yet, but for now, her urn is standing on her crate. And when the light hits the pawprint just right, the sparkles that shine from it, it’s just so lovely… A bit of brightness in the darkness, just as Arwen always was for me… 🥲

I tried to answer an email from a good friend. I tried to write a little for my blog. I am really slacking these days. I used to have so many post lined up in advance and now I am almost running out. Of course, I never expected that things would go so terribly wrong.I was hoping that I would be at ⅔ of my recovery time now, that I would slowly be able to do more again, so I would have more time to write. And I never thought I would lose Arwen this fast (of course I knew it could happen, but we’re never really prepared for it, I guess). So the pain and grief have just been overwhelming me, taking away the energy and motivation to write.

After the writing, I tried to relax a bit. I watched some telly. Then, mum and I went out for a little walk, as I was getting a bit stiff and I needed to get my walking in for today. The little bits to the vet and back, it wasn’t enough. And the walking also helped my back to feel a bit looser.

Later on, mum joined me, and we binged some White Lotus together. Mum had heard of it and wanted to try it out. And well, it’s a very weird series. But nevertheless, we kept on watching it. Haha, so I guess it does work out, in some way, even while being rather weird… 😊

When it was time to get ready for bed, I took my meds, brushed my teeth, and tried to get comfortable. My back was still bad, so, during the night, I tried to lie on my right side. And, it was sore and a bit painful, but my back, it was glad for the different position. This night, I would wake up many times. About every 30-45 minutes, I woke up again. And I kept switching between my back and my right side. How I wish I were still allowed to sleep on the left…

It was a very broken night, but every time, I was able to fall asleep again and get some rest in. I did feel a bit broken when it was time go get up, but it was a wee bit better compared to the previous night.

Happy Sundog / Sunday

I had a rather broken night, waking every 30-45 minutes due to pain. Like yesterday, my back was killing me. I was in so much pain, that I even dared to try to lay on my right side. Usually, I wait at least 2 weeks before I will try this, but in those cases, I’ve been allowed to sleep on my left side. And that, unfortuntately, is no longer an option. So while I didn’t get a long and proper sleep, at least this night, due to the switching, I was able to get some sleep. But still, I was feeling tired. I was feeling sore. And, looking on top of the big crate, seeing that paw print sparkle in the morning light, I was also a bit emotional.

Mum and I had brekky and after that, we went for a short walk. Mum was heading to Nijmegen after the walk, so she helped me to get my laptop so that I could work on my blog a bit. I was/am really struggling with this week’s journal post. I thought the previous week had been hard, due to all the painful stuff that had been happening. But this week, it’s even harder. There are no more morning snaps of my gall to be made and shared. I can’t share silly things anymore, because they just don’t happen now. I haven’t listened to music in quite a while. Last week I didn’t add any music to the journal post, but this week won’t have any music either. I am just not up to selecting songs. But I worked on getting all the text in there, as much as I had available to me. Then I wrote an email to a sweet friend. After that, my spoons had all been used, and I put away the laptop again.

I tried to write a blog post on my tablet, as I have been running out of posts to share, and I have been feeling bad about that. But all my thoughts and feelings just seem to revolve about my grieving state of mind. It had been over a week, but picking up the urn the day before, contacting the store about the ash pendant and all that… The pain is still very much present, the emptiness is huge, and the routine is still broken. I am trying to find a new routine, trying to fill in the empty moments where I “should have been” doing something with Arwen… But I think this is made even harder now, because I am so limited in what I am allowed to do.

When mum got back, we went out for another little walk. The one we had this morning was a shorter one than the one we “usually” walk, so it was nice to get out again and loosen up the body a bit. I had some several of my exercises after I had put away the laptop. I am not confident enough to do all of the exercises right now, but the ones I feel good with, I try to do. Just a few repetitions every time, and those a few times a day. I don’t want to do too much, but I am eager to do them. They should help me with my mobility and recovery. So that’s a good enough motivation for me, even if they do hurt a bit to do.

After the walk, I watched some telly. Then I fixed food for mum and me, and we continued watching White Lotus. We started with the second season. Season one was really weird, but still, we kept going and we moved on to the second one… Guess we did enjoy all that weirdness…

Around 22:30, we got ready to get some sleep. I had tried several poses throughout the day, how to lay the best on my bruised right side. And I found a way that I could maintain a little longer than the 30-45 minutes of the previous night, So I tried it out during the night, and I woke up every 1:30/2 hours now. I still had to switch between the back and right side, but hey, I was getting some more sleep time in, and I definitely needed that. I forgot to turn off my alarm, so it woke me up. I had not heard from bestie, so I didn’t know if she’d be calling me. But the window was open, so I’d probably be woken up again when the construction workers started their day.

So when my phone started the ringtone, it really startled me. It was bestie, who was apologizing for waking me up. But well, I thought I’d be up already, so it was a good time to chat while slowly waking up further. And then I realized that it was “bouwvak” (construction holidays) and there would be way less noise for the next few weeks. And, that’s how I started the new day, the new week even…

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Monday started well, but it quickly took a very nasty turn and it ended up being a very painful disaster. Tuesday followed up on Monday’s bad intentions, and I got my emergency surgery. A major setback… Wednesday, things slowly became better. I was able to head home again. But I struggled immensely with a lingering fear of things going bad again…. I lost all my confidence, I got extra strict “living rules”, and mum came with me to help me back on track… But unfortunately, dislocating my hip and needing another surgery weren’t the worst bits of this week. On Friday morning, Arwen became too unhappy health wise. We took her to the vet, and they discovered a tumor on her heart. She passed away around 9:30 that morning. So the rest of the week, I tried to get by. But it was so damn hard. Arwen had been my life for so long, especially since the divorce. And now, I was really alone… I lost the best gall I ever had the honor to love…

This week, I won’t share any music… I just don’t have the spoons to find any songs that would be suitable… It’s just too much for one week to handle…

This week, we’re expecting all sorts of weather. Too hot for a few days… But then it should get better again for a while…

Quick links to the days of the week: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday & Sunday.

Monday

The day started rather well. Just the usual morning where I started with the scale, getting dressed, and then walking Arwen. We had our morning walkies, and it was already getting warmer. Today would be a hot day, so we were prepared for it the best way we could. I didn’t really feel like brekky, as I just wasn’t hungry.

Mum was coming a bit earlier, so she could hang the washing for me and help me with doing some hoovering and taking a shower. All went well, and I enjoyed feeling fresh again. But then, things were going to go from good to very bad in the blink of an eye!

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I was trying to get dressed when I probably made a slight bad movement that caused my right inner muscle to cramp up. As it was the inner one, it pulled my right knee way too far to the left side. I yelled out in pain, and then there came a crack! And I cried out in pain even more. Mum helped me to lay on the bed and I was in agony. She gave me something that should help against the cramps, but after several minutes, the pain only seemed to be getting worse. So, she called the GP emergency line. And the GP was warned, and they would be coming our way.

I was in so much pain, and I had no idea what was happening to me. But when it’s been about 20 minutes and still no sign of the GP, mum called the hospital. Then, the GP came and the hospital called my mum back. I was getting two ambulances, so one got canceled quickly. And the ambulance came not much later. I was still in pain, and I was so scared.

They told me that my hip had dislocated, which I already feared had happened, and yeah, to the hospital we went. Being in the back of an ambulance with a dislocated hip is very painful. Every bend, every break, every pull up, every turn, every hobble… It all hurts like nothing else compared! We got to he hospital, and instead of knocking me out with sedation, I had to be in “certain positions” for an X-ray first. I yelled out some profanities (I did apologize but they understood it was the pain doing the yelling). Then, they decided they would set the leg. Or, try to, at least…

I got brought under, which was bliss after over 4 hours of crying out with a dislocated leg… And when I came to, the pain was a lot less. But, they weren’t all excited about a job well done… 😔 Apparently, a part of the hip cup came loose and that was still somewhere in my leg. Making my leg unstable and still a tad painful. So, I had to stay the night and get emergency surgery the next day (if the schedule allowed).

I got some decent meds and managed to sleep a bit during the night. But every time my leg moved, it “wobbled” and felt sore and painful. And I was scared. Another surgery. A big setback. The insecurity… I had a decent enough night, considering the circumstances, but yeah, anxiety was high and strong.

And when I woke up again the next day, I was so scared. I didn’t know what time the surgery could be, I wasn’t even sure that they’d be able to operate on me that day… So yeah, it wasn’t a good start to a fun day, that’s for sure…

Tuesday

I started my day in the hospital after a very scary and painful Monday. My hip had dislocated, they had tried to set it, but some part had come loose, making me need another surgery to fix the issues. I had an “OK enough” night, considering what had happened and what was still happening. They said that they’d try to get me in the OR schedule for that day, but they couldn’t give any certainty. So, I had to be sober and I had to wait…

People were all concerned and texting me loads. Which was very sweet but also it was hard to deal with. I was scared, I had no answers for them, I didn’t know what to expect… Around ten, they told me to get ready for the surgery. I was allowed to quickly text my mum and then we got ready to get me sorted to head to the ER. Tears started flowing, as I was just so damn scared… I felt so alone there, and I just needed to have faith. But after what happened the previous day, I kinda lost all faith that I had.

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They started preparing me for the surgery. I didn’t have too many questions, as I’d just been through this about 3 weeks ago. When I told the anesthesia dude that this was my third hospital stay, and second surgery, within three weeks, he jokingly said “well, the third time in a month means that the queen will come to visit you”. I just laughed about it, thinking he was making a silly remark.

Then I got wheeled into the OR. They helped me on the table, did all the preps, and I could not wait for them to “take me out”. But this seemed to take a while, making me more anxious by the second. Then, I finally dozed off and their work could begin.

When I woke up, I wasn’t feeling too bad. My mouth hurt some, as did my throat, but that’s why you get some lovely water ice cream popsicles. They do help… After a while, I was “awake” enough to be brought back to the room. I really had to wee, so one of the first things they did for me was get the “mobile loo” next to my bed. (I know the Dutch word but I could not find a good translation to English…). I had used it before the OP, and this time, it went a lot easier.

My leg was stable again, and not that wobbly like before the OP. It felt stronger again. And when mum came, she told me the surgeon had told her that they made some changes. Apparently, the head of the hip was a little unstable, so they changed that, and they put in a new ring that had come loose. It should be more stable now. And, of course I want to believe them, but I was just too scared to really have faith in it.

The second time I needed to go to the loo, we used my crutches and a nurse hobbled along with me. And, it went rather well. I felt that it was good, but in the back of my head I was scared of things going bad again.

During the rest of the day, I dozed in and out of some sleep and being awake. Mum came again in the evening and she brought some ice, which was delicious for my sore throat and mouth. Just as mum wanted to leave, the surgeon came into the room to discuss the OP with me/us. She told me what she’d also told my mum when she called her after the surgery was done. That she was confident that this “new setup” should be better than the previous one. And, sure, I believe her! She helped me so much, on Monday and today. But, I kinda lost my trust in myself. I blamed myself for the fact that my leg had cramped up, and that it all went to hell from there…

When the surgeon left, mum got ready to leave as well. I tried to watch some series on my phone, but I dozed in and out of sleep. I got my meds and then went to sleep. And, considering the circumstances, I think I had a fairly decent night. Had to go out a few times for the loo (had to drink loads, so yeah, that needs to come out too). But the trips to the loo went well, and I managed to sleep some more after them.

Then I woke up when they brought the morning meds. I was awake in time for bestie to call me while she was heading to work… The new day, when the countdown was set to 0. I needed to start all over again. But I wasn’t sure what would be harder. Starting over or building confidence in me and my leg again. Because of that pain, I never want to experience that ever again!

Hump day / Wednesday

I had a fairly decent night at the hospital. Somehow, having a room to yourself does help a bit with getting some more sleep during the night. I had used my crutches to go to the loo a few times, and all went well. I knew I could do it, but still, a nagging fear had settled itself in the back of my mind. But all went well, and after several hours of sleep, I woke up again. I took my meds and then I grabbed my headphones, as bestie was gonna call me on the way to work.

While I was on the phone with her, a lady got brought in to the room, being prepped for her surgery. I got some breakfast after that, and all seemed to be going well enough. They had already taken some blood. And then I got the news I was being taken down for the check-up X-rays. All went well with those as well. So I was taken back to the room.

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I was relaxing a bit with some music and my phone when the physio came. She was surprised to see me again. I explained to her what I had done and what had happened. She said that I could have triggered the cramps, but seeing the movement was so small, I could not have known that the effect would be so huge. I explained to her that my leg muscles are so strong, that there was nothing I could do, as I was just so unfortunate that they happened to pull my leg/knee so far inwards that it popped my leg… So, she gave me a folder, and things I was allowed to do… Got struck off the list. I have very strict guidelines now, for 3 months. She made a letter for my physio, so he knows the ins- and outs of it all.

After the physio had come and gone, they got word back that the X-rays and blood work were good, and that I should be able to go home after the doctor had visited me to discuss everything and to write the dismissal letter. So I called my mum to let her know of the plans.

I did ask mum if she would be OK with staying with me for a few days, until I got the helping accessories and will be able to use them. And until I feel more secure again. As said, I really lost my confidence and part of me is very scared of this happening again. Mum understood the fear and need for help, so she agreed to help me out.

The doctor had come and gone, and then I was waiting for the dismissal letter. Mum came, and she helped me to pack my stuff again. Then the nurse came with the letter. She discussed my changed meds with me, and then we could go pick them up at the hospital pharmacy before we could go home.

Unfortunately, it took about 45 minutes until we finally had the meds and were able to go. We went to my parents’ place. Mum packed all the things she needed. Then she got it all in the car, Arwen and me included, and we headed towards home.

I felt so lazy, not being able to help. I am not very good in needing help, I am better at offering it. So I really had to sit and just let mum do her things. Which she did very well. But still, I felt a bit guilty… Then we relaxed a bit, until it was time to eat something.

I had to take two powders to help me with my bowel movements. This was something I was gonna regret the rest of the evening and night. Mum had not seen Departure yet, so I started that for her. I could play a bit on my phone and watch along with half an eye. My tummy started to cramp in many ways, and I had to hobble to the loo occasionally. Some came out, but not much. Then, there wasn’t much in there, so yeah… After a while, mum let Arwen out for a pee and a poo. We watched some more telly. Then it was time to get ready for bed. Mum took Arwen out for a last wee. And then the hellish night began…

My tummy kept rumbling. Every time I almost fell asleep, my belly felt bloated and, to be on he safe side, I had to go to the loo again. I could not relax… My belly hurt, my right hand hurt loads (there was a nasty bruise where the IV had been in), and I was a bit scared. Maybe I was scared to fall asleep, scared that something would go wrong as soon as I lost the oversight. But I tried to sleep several times and my tummy kept me awake. I maybe slept half an hour at first, but then, nope…

So I got my tablet and tried to write some of the journal toots that I had been missing out on while I was in the hospital. I chatted a bit with some friends on Mastodon. And I mostly just tried to get through the night. Around 5:30, when I’d been to the loo again, Arwen indicated that she needed to go out, so I put on my pants and slippers, and we quickly went to the bushes. I fixed Arwen’s food after that, and then mum woke up, so the day began…

Thursday

What a night. I only slept for 45 minutes. I am tired. But I am so afraid that my leg will do a silly thing again. So afraid that it will go wrong again. I listened to Arwen snoring, and she was a bit uneasy as well. But I thought that it was because she noticed my anxiety. Because I am writing this journal bit a few days later, I now know better… 😢 But I spent the night watching telly, writing some for my blog, trying to get through the hours.

When mum got up and had her brekky, we walked Arwen a bit. But Arwen wasn’t her usual happy self. We just thought it was because of the weather, and all the stress with me earlier that week. So we only walked a short bit and she did her things. Then mum went to Germany and Arnhem for some groceries and an appointment and Arwen and I stayed home together.

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I tried to relax, but I felt so much anxiety in me. I was so scared. And Arwen not being her usual self worried me as well. We went out for very short breaks so that she could wee and poop. I wished I could cuddle her, but I wasn’t allowed to bend that much.

So Arwen and I just took it easy, both feeling tired and uneasy. When mum got back home, she also noticed that Arwen wasn’t her usual self. We made some food, walked a very short round with Arwen, and watched some telly.

I was hoping that I could get a better night, as I was so very tired and worried about my leg and Arwen. But when mum went upstairs and I tried to sleep, I only managed to get 2x 40 minutes in. Things were going worse with Arwen… 😢

Friday

I had the worst night. Last night I barely slept 45 minutes, this night I got about 2x 40 minutes in. But, I was anxious over my leg and over Arwen. She could not find any rest. She was so uneasy and she looked so sad. I felt like this was the end, she was asking permission to give up. But, she knew that I needed her, so she didn’t want to leave my side. She was such a loyal gall… So I cried most of the night. And when mum got up, we first called the GP for some sleeping meds for me. Then, the vet opened their phone lines and we called them. We got an appointment for 11. But almost immediately, they called us back to come at 9. So we tried to get Arwen into the car… Fearing this would be her last car ride…

They took Arwen aside and found out she had a high fever. She got a heart scan, and they found a tumor attached to her heart. I was right, she was suffering terribly. So, I gave the OK for them to help Arwen end her life. I had always promised her that I would never let her suffer, and I had to keep that promise. Because I could not bend over, they put her on a table, so I could be with her while she was getting the sleeping meds. I held her and kissed her and then gave the OK for the euthanasia meds to be added. She had given all she had and now it was time for her to be free again. No more pain, no more discomforts… Making this decision was so easy, as I knew it was right for her, I owed her this. But of course I was crying my eyes out and, in a way, feeling sorry for myself for having the worst week ever.

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After one last kiss on her sweet head, we headed back and made arrangements for her cremation. I filled out the form and they would contact me about the wishes for her cremation. We got home and it felt so empty already. I knew I had done the right thing, she was suffering so much and she would not have made it on her own for much longer. But I was being selfish, thinking she left me when I needed her the most. And that made me feel even more bad about the whole situation.

Mum put Arwen’s big bed in my bedroom. I had been busy texting everyone the saddest news… I was exhausted and felt so bad. Then, the phone rang, and it was the GP. We were too late with answering, so we tried to call back. But the assistant could not get the GP. A minute later, the GP called again. We discussed the whole situation, now adding the very recent passing of my bestest friend. The GP prescribed me some sleeping pills that would be delivered later that day.

When I went to the loo, my phone rang again. It was the pet crematorium. They discussed my wishes with mum and me. She was very kind, but damn, this was hard. Then mum and I went to their website and we checked all the urns. We both pointed to the same one at the same time, so we knew that this would be the one for Arwen. I ordered and paid it. But I had forgotten to ask about some ashes to be separated, so I could use that for an ash pendant. So, I had to call the lady back. She was very understanding and explained everything and wrote down my wishes. Arwen would be cremated on Tuesday and then they would bring her remains back to the vet.

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But, the costs were higher than what I had thought, so I had to ask people to help me again. I just wanted to get Arwen home… Sweet friends helped me, my parents helped me, and people on Mastodon started helping me (again). Asking help to get Arwen home again was very hard, as I felt like I should be able to take care of this on my own.

Then, someone knocked on the door. It was my neighbor from two doors down. She brought me a beautiful rose and together, we cried over the loss of this sweet gall.

I had to eat something, so I got a yogurt. And when I finished, the first thing I did was hold it down and look for Arwen so she could clean the cup. Damn, that hurt like hell! I tried to distract myself by watching telly. But, all those sweet people telling me how sorry they were for my loss… Seeing her picture everywhere and not being able to cuddle her again. I cried a lot.

And that night, mum gave me a sleeping pill. I was afraid to take it, as I didn’t know what my leg would do if I were too fast asleep. But I needed the sleep, I needed the calm in my head for a while… So I took it and then, after a short while, I dozed off.

I slept in one go from 22-5:20. And then, I woke up with wet cheeks and eyes. And bam, it hit me, she was really gone… It wasn’t just a bad dream… 😭

Saturday

I slept because of the sleeping pill. I had some rest. But, as soon as I woke up, I felt my eyes and cheeks being moist. And then I realized that it hadn’t just been a bad dream. She was really gone. I was really alone now. OK, mum was sleeping upstairs. But my loyal gall, my bestest friend for almost 12 years, she had left my side. Not because she wanted to, but because she had to. I felt so drowsy and sad.

Mum got up and she had breakfast. I just wasn’t hungry at all, I was so overwhelmed with grief. When mum had finished her brekky, we went to Nijmegen for some groceries. It was good to be out for a while. I tried to hug Bas when we got to my parents house. He didn’t understand it. Where was his friend? Why wasn’t she with us?

It made me sad again. It was still so raw and fresh… When mum was ready, we headed back to Herpen again. As I didn’t have anything to eat yet, and mum told me I needed to eat, I made myself a pizza. My mouth was finally healing up… The meds that I got from the hospital, they had given me some nasty side effects, I had sores in my mouth and they were so painful and they messed up my taste as well. We had quit the meds, but of course the sores needed time to heal.

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After the food, I tried to relax a bit on the bed with some telly. I dozed a bit at times, the after effects from the previous nights and the sleeping pill.

I felt useless and lonely and I needed some fresh air. So, mum and I went out for a little walk. The first doggy walk round without the dog. The fresh air felt good, and it felt good to move around a bit. But it was hard. I was glad that we didn’t meet any of the neighbors, so there were no questions about Arwen.

When we got back, I tried to relax again on the bed. Mum and I watched some telly and I sometimes just sobbed away when something happened that made me miss Arwen again.

Mum and I discussed taking another sleeping pill, and she thought it would be best for me, as it would calm my head for a while as well. So, I took one again and just hoped it would all go well during the night.

This time, I woke up twice during the night for the loo. But I did manage some more sleep. Still, waking up all alone is a very hard thing to do…

Happy Sundog / Sunday

The second night with a sleeping pill had a slightly different effect on me. I woke up a few times during the night, my body was feeling a tad sore and I had to wee a few times. Every time when I woke up, I cried a little, because every time I realized she was really gone. When I woke up again around 5:30, my back was very sore, but I was still so drowsy. I put the bed in a higher “seating” position, and turned on the telly. I dozed on and off, until mum came down.

When she had her breakfast, we got ready to walk to the supermarket. Last I had seen, some roads had been closed. And it would be good for me to be out for a while. So we slowly walked to the store. We were a little early, but there was a bench across the street. We waited on it until the store opened it’s doors. We only needed a few things, so we didn’t take too long. Then, we hobbled back home again.

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Both mum and I were tired when we got back, so she went to her puzzles and I got to bed with some telly. I missed parts of the episodes, as I kept dozing off from time to time. I just felt so drained and exhausted. Halfway through the afternoon, I made the food for mum and me. We enjoyed it while watching telly together.

We had finished the 3 seasons of Departure, and we had started The Discovery of Witches. This night, I would try to sleep without the pills. I didn’t want to become too dependent on them. Plus, the drowsy side effects were not that easy to deal with either. So we watched some telly until I felt like I had to try and get comfortable in a way, so that I could sleep.

I did fall asleep and I woke up a few times, as my back was not pleased with me. So I tried to get the bed into different positions. Around 5, I had to get up because I was so sore. I moved the bed into a more seating position and then I watched some telly while dozing some more.

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Thank you for your interest in my blog. I really appreciate your visit. If you like my posts and you want to share them on your social media, please, feel free to do so! I’d be honored. If you don’t want to miss a thing, press the follow button (you’ll need to be a signed in WP user) or you can follow me though the FediVerse with the link below, or scroll down and leave your email below this post. If you are a WP user and you would like me to know you liked my post, press the star/like button please. You can also comment when you see this post as a Toot on the Fediverse, and I’ll be notified of that as well. Thanks ever so much! Of course comments are welcome, but spam won’t get shared, so don’t bother with that…

Please be wise and stay safe! I hope to see you back real soon again, feel free to drop in anytime! Wishing you all the best. With love, Cynni 🌹

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Monday was a quiet day, we finally had some cooler (and wetter) weather, and I tried to relax as much as I could. At the end of the day, I struggled a bit with my emotions, spoons being too low, and the dark monster lurking very close by… Tuesday was a busier day. Around 9 the hospital called, around noon Arwen had a vet appointment, which was followed by a quick visit to Lidl. Around 15, someone else from the hospital called with a bit of alarming news. For the rest, I tried to relax as much as I could. Wednesday, the hospital would call be again, with an update, around 11. Thursday was a busy day, as mum and I went to Germany together. Friday was a relaxing day, no plans or appointments. Same for the weekend, where I was hoping to get some game time in. It was a hot weekend, so a good time to relax inside with a game and a good chat with a sweet friend.

We’ll be expecting all sorts of weather. Rain, maybe even a thunderstorm, some warmer days and nights, but not too much sun…

Quick links to the days of the week: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday & Sunday.

Monday

I had a busy night. I woke up for the loo and all was well. I woke up again, and Arwen was a bit restless, telling me she’d like to go out. So I tried to get my pants on as quickly as I could, and we headed out. I could not see what she was doing, but when she came back, I assumed all was well. I fell asleep again, and then, around 5:30, I woke up again because I heard Arwen being restless and panting. I knew what that meant! And I smelled that she had been distressed for a while longer. Again, I tried to get dressed as quickly as I could. I let Arwen out and she did her thing, again. We headed back, and there were a few prezzies to clean up.

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Fortunately, they were easy to pick up and clean, but it still was challenging due to the crutches and the bending rules. I then got properly dressed, and I took Arwen out for walkies. She acted happy and good, so I was hoping that her tummy was settling again.

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When we got back, I fixed food for both Arwen and myself. Then I got my tablet, and I caught up with social media. I wrote my journal Toot and answered some sweet friendos. Then, I switched the tablet for my laptop. I needed the laptop to work on my journal blog post. For some reason, when I try to do that on tablet or phone, things often mess up. When I use the laptop or PC, it seems to work perfectly.

When I was done with the blog, it was almost time for walkies. The weather was a lot cooler than the previous days, but there was also rain coming and going. I could not hold an umbrella, so of course I tried to “time” the walkies in between the rains. Arwen and I headed out, and she saw N&B walking, so she was all excited. Unfortunately, we did get some rain along the way…

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We got back, and I relaxed a bit on the bed. I finished watching the second season of “Departure”, which I really enjoyed. Season 3 should come out next month, so I can (hopefully) binge that then. But knowing my luck, they probably will do a timed release, instead of getting all episodes out at once…

I chatted with some people online, which felt very nice. I was struggling with my emotions. I felt low on spoons, and the dark monster was creeping up on me. Rain came and went, hard at times, and that’s also how I was feeling. I felt OK, I felt alone, I felt a bit better, I felt down and a nuisance… I tried to focus on walkies with Arwen, on spending time with social media so I would not feel too alone… I started watching Prison Break again. I have started the series many times and never got past season 2. So, I am trying to re-watch it now, and see if I can finally get beyond that point where I usually drop out (and I don’t know why I do that…).

I felt tired, but I didn’t manage to snooze. I went to the loo several times, and my bowels did do something… Not as much as I was hoping for, but every bit is something, and I just keep hoping that at one point, I will finally get that “big relief”.

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The day went on with me being on social media, me chatting with a good friend, and me watching telly. And of course the occasional walk with Arwen.

In the evening, I felt rather down. My spoons were long gone, and I had all these dark thoughts. I felt like people were tired of me. Like they would just want me to sod off. They would reply to me because they are polite, not because they really cared. So, I wrote a Toot about it. I just needed to reach out, because I felt so low and alone, and insecure. Fortunately, some very sweet people replied to me, giving me some lovely answers, some beautiful images, some giggles… And most of all, they made me feel less lonely, which was what I needed most! To all who reached out, I am *very* grateful for you reaching out and caring! 💜

Then, I slowly got ready for the bedtime routine. I took my meds, gave Arwen hers, and we went out for a last short walkies. Then, it was time to get to bed (well, I had been in bed all day haha, but now, I wanted to snooze). It didn’t take too long to fall asleep. I slept on my left side, with the special pillow between my legs, for almost 90 minutes. Then, I got up for the loo, and I slept on my back till around 3. I woke up again, another loo break, and I slept on my left side again until I woke up around 5:30. It was a bit of a broken night, but fortunately, Arwen’s tummy was better and we didn’t have to go out this time…

Ready to start a new day!

Tuesday

I had a better night than the previous one. No runs outside, no prezzies from Arwen… I did wake up a few times for the loo and to reposition myself. But in the end, I managed to get some sleep in. I got up, got dressed, and I took Arwen out for a walk. Then, I made brekky for both Arwen and me.

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After brekky, I grabbed my tablet. I wrote my journal Toot, answered sweet folks on the FediVerse, and shared one of the snaps that I’d taken from Arwen during walkies. I didn’t feel like grabbing my laptop, so I just relaxed on the bed while watching some telly.

Arwen wanted another walkies. After that, I decided to get my laptop and I worked on the blog a bit. Around 9, the hospital called for a checkup. It was a quick and easy phone call, so that was good. I did wonder what the second scheduled phone call would be about.

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When I was done with my laptop, I walked Arwen again. A little earlier, but mm was coming our way. She was going to help me with a bit of cleaning and then take Arwen to the vet.

The vet appointment went well. They do want Arwen to lose some weight, so I will need to check out some different food for her. Ugh, poor gall. I will check the web and see what’s available. But it also needs to fit into the budget, as this appointment was an expensive one for sure. I really hope that I can make it to the end of the month without needing to ask for help… 😔

When we got back, mum took off the plasters from my big new wound. They were all clean, which was very good news. Mum put on two small bandages where the stitches were sticking out. I didn’t and don’t want to risk the stitches getting caught in my clothes or bedding.

Mum went home, and I tried to relax a bit, waiting for the second call from the hospital. Around 15, the phone rang. But this time, the news wasn’t that good. They had taken a sample of something during the surgery, as they always do. They cultivate them to see if there are any infections and things like that. Four years ago, that showed that I had several heavy infections, which needed me to take loads of antibiotics for 3 months! The lady told me that this time, “only” one bacterium had been found. And, usually, they don’t worry too much then. But, this time, it was one of the ones that I had 4 years ago… So, they will discuss me on Wednesday morning, to see if any actions should be taken… They will call me again the next day, around 11. Ugh, so here I was, worried about an infection and antibiotics again…

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After this news, I was a bit down. I walked Arwen and fed her. Then, I tried to relax and watch some telly. There would be no use in being worried, so of course… It was hard for me to get comfortable… Usually, I would spend some time online, just chatting and reading up on others. But I was just so down, that I wrote a quick message on Mastodon, and then I was offline most of the time. Granted, I did lurk a bit. But I just wasn’t in the mood to engage.

Several hours of telly later, I was getting ready to head to bed. I took my meds, I gave Arwen her meds, we went outside for a very short walkies, and then, after scrubbing my teeth, I went to bed.

I tried to get comfortable on my left side, with my special knee-pillow, and I fell asleep like that. I woke up once, went to the loo, and fell asleep on my back. I woke up again, but didn’t need the loo, so I grabbed my knee-pillow again and I tried to sleep on my left side again. I succeeded, and I woke up again, a few minutes before the alarm was set to go off.

I got up, dressed, and started my day…

Hump day / Wednesday

I had a decent enough night, only waking up a few times for the loo. I woke up again about ten minutes before the alarm was set to go off. I got dressed, took Arwen out for walkies, and then I made brekky for her and myself. I grabbed my tablet and I wrote my journal Toot and checked my social media bits and bops. Bestie didn’t call me during her drive to work, so I grabbed my laptop and worked a bit on my journal blog post.

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I was feeling rather anxious. That call from the hospital was hanging above my head. What would they discuss this morning? What would the decide what should happen with me and my health? But I would have to wait until around 11, when the appointment was scheduled to take place.

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Bestie called me when she was at work for a quick catch up. After that, Arwen was eager for walkies. So, I got my crutches and we headed out. When we were on the way back, I saw N&B walking a bit ahead. I didn’t say anything to Arwen, but the wind caught their scent, Arwen’s nose went high up in the air, and N saw that Arwen had smelled them. So they turned around toward us and I steered Arwen in a safe direction in their way. And then, I had to hobble another round, as Arwen wanted to join N&B, of course. We had a nice walk and we chatted a bit. But when we got back, I was rather tired.

I lay on bed, and I grabbed my tablet. I replied to a sweet friend’s DM and I wrote a bit for my blog. I tried to distract myself, as it was getting closer to 11. Arwen was a bit confused that we didn’t go for walkies at 11. But I wanted to wait for the call, as I can’t really call when walking outside with Arwen and crutches. Unfortunately, the wait took a little longer. They didn’t call until a little past 11:30. But they had good news for me, so that was a big plus. No meds or other medical actions were needed. There was only 1 strain in all of the 6 cultivations, and my blood works last week had been good. I don’t have any symptoms… So, they will leave it as it is. But, should I get any symptoms, then I will need to call as quickly as I can.

It was a big relief to hear this. After the call, I finally (according to Arwen) took Arwen out for walkies. It was getting rather warm, so we just had a shorter walk, mostly in the shade. When we got back, I fixed something to eat and then I tried to relax a bit.

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After watching some telly, I got my tablet out and I tried to write a bit for my blog, as I had not been keeping up with my post writing. I just put the tablet away, and then I saw a long and sweet DM by a good friend. So, I got my phone and I tried my best to answer the DM as good as I could on the phone. It was a nice distraction, writing for the blog and to my friend, and it passed the time some.

That’s one of the things that I do struggle with some at this moment. Passing the time… I used to have this routine where I had the gym, longer night time walkies, fitness at home… I was doing things that passed the time with things that I enjoyed doing. But now, these things aren’t happening, so it means I have “more time” on my hands. And that’s something I find hard to do. I feel lonely when I just sit around with nothing to do. I feel bored when I can’t do the things that bring me joy and energy. I am really hopeful that the physio will have some good news for me next Monday. That there may be an exercise or two that I slowly can start doing again. Fingers crossed.

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When I was done with the DM, I tried to relax a bit. The lady who did the phone check-up with me on Tuesday had told me that I would be allowed to try and lie on my right side a bit. Provided that I would protect the leg, and use the pillow that I also had been using to lie on the left side for short amounts of time. As my back was bothering me some, I decided to try and do that, lie on my right side for a bit and watch some telly.

It was a bit sore and uncomfortable. I needed to adjust myself a few times. I could lie on my side for a bit, and then I had to turn back again. But it felt good for my back and neck. It was nice to watch telly while lying on my right side again,

I fixed Arwen some food, and then I walked with her again. After that, it was time to relax some more with the telly and my phone. I tried to keep myself relaxed, so that my leg could get some rest, as we’d been out for a few walkies during the day.

After watching telly and playing with my phone, I got ready for the bedtime routine. I got my meds, brushed my teeth, gave Arwen her meds, and we went out for walkies again. Then, I lay on my left side and fell asleep.

Thursday

I made sure that I went to bed a little early. Unfortunately, during the night, Arwen needed to go outside. So I quickly had to put on some pants, and then we headed out. After that, I was able to sleep again, until the alarm woke me up. Arwen wanted out again, so I quickly put on pants again, and we headed out again. Then, we got back inside. I got to the scale, and it was a lot kinder to me than the previous day. Which made me a wee bit happier. I got dressed, and I fixed food for Arwen and myself. When mum texted me that she was almost on her way, I got my tablet and I wrote my journal Toot while I was waiting for her to come over.

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Mum picked up Arwen and myself and she brought us to Nijmegen. She took Arwen inside while I waited in the car. Then, we went onwards to Germany. It was a wet morning, but it also was warmer. So when we got from the car, everything just felt so icky and sticky. We visited Penny, Aldi and Edeka. Then, on the way back, we stopped at the pet store. Back in Nijmegen, we visited Kruidvat and Appie. Then mum had to do all the hard work, and I just felt so useless, because that’s what I usually do to help my mum. And now, all I could do was sit and wait.

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When mum was done, and we wanted to head out for walkies, of course the rain stopped falling down gently, and before we were out of the street, we were soaked. So, we didn’t go all the way to the woods. It was hard to walk in the rain with the crutches. My hands kept slipping on the handles. And my pants were sticking to my legs. My feet got cold from my wet shoes… When we got back, mum packed my things, and then we headed to my home.

Mum took care of most of the groceries. Then she cleaned my bandages. The wound was clean and looked good. Which was good news. I don’t really need the bandages, but because of the ends of the stitches sticking out, I rather have them covered up. In the past, I have been known to get my clothes “stuck” behind the wires and damn, that does hurt. So now, mum patches the ends up so they can’t get caught in anything. And that helps a lot.

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When mum left, I made some food. After the food, Arwen wanted walkies, so I texted N and asked about walkies with her and B. They were up for it, so we had a nice walk together. The weather was nice and the chats were good. The dogs had fun, although Arwen was disappointed over the lesser amount of snacks. She, and B, need to lose some weight, so less snacks will be coming their way…

When we got back, I checked social media and tried to reply to friends online. I was rather tired, so it took longer than usual to get “through” them. I tried to relax while watching some telly. I tried to lay on my right side again, wee bits at a time. It was still sore, because the area is still bruised (although the real bruises are slowly fading). And of course the scar is still a bit vulnerable. But, it did feel good, in a way, to lay on my right side and to just watch some telly.

I made Arwen food, we went out for another walkies, and then I just lay in/on bed and watched telly. I kept trying to lay on my right side from time to time, slowly getting used to it again. I can’t wait until I can finally sleep on that side again.

It got time to get prepared for bed. I took my meds, gave Arwen her meds, brushed my teeth, and we went out on walkies. Then, onwards to bed. It didn’t take too long to fall asleep. I woke up twice during the night, fortunate that Arwen didn’t need/want to go out. And then, about half an hour before the alarm, I was awake, and I started my day.

Friday

I had a decent enough night, so that was a plus. I woke up a few times, and when I woke up again, it was about half an hour before the alarm was set to go off. Arwen let me know she needed a quick wee, so I “quickly” dressed a bit to let her out. Then, I undressed again, so I could use the scale. The scale wasn’t too unkind to me, it was better than I had expected, so that was a nice surprise at the start of the day.

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After I was dressed again, Arwen and I went out for walkies. She did her things, and just after we got home, rain began to fall. So, I was glad that I woke up before the alarm, because it meant dry walkies. I made food for Arwen and myself. Then I wrote my journal Toot, and I answered a sweet friend. I got my laptop and worked on my journal blog post.

Fortunately, it was dry again when Arwen and I had to go out again. We had a nice walk, but I was feeling a bit bläh. I wasn’t doing too badly physically, just the expected muscle aches and the scar tissue that is slowly healing. But mentally, I was having a rough day. Many dark thoughts were going through me and I just kept feeling so tired.

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After walkies, I just tried to get comfortable and watch telly. I tried to write a bit for my blog. But it was hard to focus, as I was just not doing too well. I spent less time online, because I felt like I was a nuisance to others. I didn’t want to complain too much, I didn’t want to be too needy with getting attention from others, if that makes sense 🤔

I did my best to get through the day. Walkies with Arwen, some food, some relaxing with the telly, trying to distract myself from the darker thoughts. I managed to get through the day, but it was a “boring” one, both for myself as for you, the reader. 😉 Nothing exciting happened, just me being on a bed, with the telly on, trying to get through the day.

I was and am glad that I am doing OK physically. But I wish I could be doing better mentally. I knew this could (and would) happen, but it still hit me harder than I hoped it would. Of course I didn’t hope that it would hit me, but I just knew that it would happen, as it happened before… I need my routine, my structure, and being able to be self-supporting. It is so hard to be dependent on people for things, things that I “should” be able to do on my own. But, due to the surgery, I am not able/allowed. And the first days after the surgery, it’s easier for me to deal with it. But, after two weeks… I just “wanna get back to normal”. And it drags me down to know that I still have 4 more weeks of restrictions…

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I managed to get through the day. During the early evening, I fell asleep for a while while I was watching telly. It felt good because I felt so tired. But it did make me a bit afraid that I would not be able to sleep enough during the night. When it was time to get ready for bed, I took my meds, gave Arwen her meds, and we went out for the last short walk. I rubbed the ointment on Arwen’s paws, so that she hopefully would not lick her warts during the night, and then I got to bed.

I woke up a few times for the loo, and because my back was sore. But I did manage to get some sleep, so that was good. I woke up about half an hour before the alarm was set to go off, and I was ready to start a new day…

Saturday

I had an OK enough night. I woke up a few times. Because I needed the loo. Because my body needed to move into a different position. Because I was too warm… But in the end, I did get some sleep, and I didn’t feel too bad when I woke up again about half an hour before the alarm was set to go off. I used the scale, which wasn’t too bad, fortunately, and then I got dressed. Arwen and I went out for walkies.

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When we got back, I took my meds and I made brekky for Arwen. I wasn’t too hungry just yet, so I just had my yogurt drink to take my meds with. I checked my social media bits and after I wrote my journal toot, I replied to an email from a sweet friend. Then I grabbed my laptop, so I could work on the journal blog post a bit. When that was done, I made myself some brekky. After that, it was time again to head out with Arwen.

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When we were on the way back, we met up with N&B, so of course Arwen didn’t want to go home just yet. We had a nice chat and walk, and when we did get home, I was rather tired. Because of the crutches, I cannot wear my thumb brace and some days, I should really wear it. So my hands, especially my right thumb, are a bit sore from the crutches. I do have some little gloves that I can use that help give my hands some relief. But with the higher temps these days, it’s been too uncomfortable to wear those. Ugh… Sorry, I’ll try to keep my complaining to a minimum.

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I relaxed a bit on bed with some telly. And I tried to write some for my blog, as I am quickly “running out” of pre-written posts. And I don’t want to lose my very long streak, so I need to keep up with my writing. After a while, Arwen wanted walkies again. When we got back, I had a text from a sweet friend that they were getting ready for some online gaming. I quickly made some soup, and when they texted me again, I got online for a chat and some gaming.

We played No Man’s Sky for a while. I did a bit of this and a bit of that, nothing too fancy, just some distraction while I was chatting to my friend. After a few hours, I was getting rather tired, so we said goodbye and I logged off. I fixed Arwen’s food, and then we headed out for a short walk.

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We got back again, and I changed my clothes and I tried to lay on my right side again to watch some telly. It’s getting less sore now, so hopefully soon, I will be able to change to my sides more during the night, and be able to sleep that way. It should, hopefully, improve my sleep quality, as I am still not the best with sleeping on my back.

I watched some telly, browsed some Mastodon from time to time, and I tried to pass the time. I was glad when it was getting closer to the time where I could get ready for the bedtime routine. I was quite tired and maybe a bit bored, so I was hoping to get a good night’s sleep in.

I took my meds, gave Arwen hers, and we went out for the last short walk. We headed for bed and it didn’t take too long for me to fall asleep. I did wake up a few times for the loo and to get more comfortable. But it wasn’t a bad night. When I woke up, Arwen really needed to go out, so I quickly put on some pants and my slippers, and we headed out. That was a rush into the start of my new day…

Happy Sundog / Sunday

I woke up a few times during the night. When I finally got up, my right thumb was very sore. Like I had dislocated it somehow. Which could always happen, especially with the crutches and not being able to wear the brace now. Arwen needed a quick wee, and then we got back and I headed to the scale to check on my weight. I think I am doing better than the last time after surgery, as I am not gaining too much weight now. Heck, I even lost a wee bit. Which is a sign that I am doing well, food wise. I hope I can keep this up, because not gaining weight also means that it could be easier to get “back on track”, once the surgeon has given me a thumbs up after the first big check-up.

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I got dressed and then properly walked with Arwen. It was said to be a warm day today, so when I could, I had the windows and back door open to let in the colder air before we’d have to close it all down to keep the heat out. I wasn’t too hungry yet, so I just took my meds and made Arwen’s food. Then, I grabbed my tablet and I got to “work” on my social media bits.

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I answered an email from a very sweet friend. And then I wrote the journal toot on Mastodon. I checked up on some other notifications. Then, I had my brekky. Arwen wanted walkies after that, and as it wasn’t too hot yet, we went out again. She did her things and then we got back.

My hand/thumb was really annoying me and I tried to massage it, but nothing I did could really help. It didn’t feel dislocated, but it felt like it had been. Which was weird, as this pain came during the night, and usually I do feel it when my thumb slips “out and in” of the socket. And I had not felt anything like that the previous day. I tried to be careful with my crutches and I gave the thumb all the rest I could give it.

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I got my laptop and worked on my journal blog post. A sweet friend had texted me that they were getting ready to go online, so I hurried working on my blog so that I could join them for a while. We had a nice time together and played for a few hours. Then, we both started feeling more tired, so we said goodbye and logged off.

I walked a short round in the shade with Arwen. It was around 30 degrees and icky hot. So I am very glad that we have some shaded bits across the street where Arwen can do her things and then quickly head back again.

We relaxed a bit, me on bed with some telly, Arwen with finding all the cool spots on the floor. I think she really enjoys the floor heating/cooling. So that’s another plus for this house. No silly stairs, it’s cooler/warmer, less noise (from the neighbors, not from the construction unfortunately). I think I made the best decision for both Arwen and myself when I accepted this house when it was offered to me. 😊

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I enjoyed the telly, and then I fixed some food for Arwen and myself. I quickly let Arwen out again. Back to relaxing on the bed. And then, I got very tired all of a sudden, as I was getting cold! It was 32 degrees outside, according to my weather station, and almost 24 degrees inside, and I was cold… So I got a light blanket and I snuggled under that best I could. And then, I dozed off for a while… Guess I needed some extra snoozing.

I woke up again, and let Arwen out for a short walkies, as it was slowly getting a wee bit cooler. Then I watched more telly as I waited for the evening to pass by. I took my meds when I could, gave Arwen her meds, walked her again, brushed my teeth, and headed for bed. Even with the wee bit of snoozing, I still felt rather tired.

I woke up a few times during the night, either for the loo or to change my sleeping position. Then, the alarm startled me as it was time to get up again. So, I started the new day/week…

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Thank you for your interest in my blog. I really appreciate your visit. If you like my posts and you want to share them on your social media, please, feel free to do so! I’d be honored. If you don’t want to miss a thing, press the follow button (you’ll need to be a signed in WP user) or you can follow me though the FediVerse with the link below, or scroll down and leave your email below this post. If you are a WP user and you would like me to know you liked my post, press the star/like button please. You can also comment when you see this post as a Toot on the Fediverse, and I’ll be notified of that as well. Thanks ever so much! Of course comments are welcome, but spam won’t get shared, so don’t bother with that…

Please be wise and stay safe! I hope to see you back real soon again, feel free to drop in anytime! Wishing you all the best. With love, Cynni 🌹

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Cynni's Blog
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Pixy's Journey 🧚🏼‍♀️ * AKA: All things Cynni

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