Back in Spain for almost a week now. A huge difference compared to Romania. At least here people are much nicer, you can go for walks in nature....etc...
But, still I feel like I am sucked into a black hole of problems. Days feel shorter and darker. Maybe because there is less light too, so literally darker as well. But time passes by so fast the older you get. And more problems the older you get.
Will try to do my best to stabilize my life and work on TROM again, but honestly it feels like endless roadblocks in my way.
Some nights I look at park4night at the places we've been to with Tortuge (the camper)...wonderful memories. That life ended up so fast and abruptly. And in such a shitty way. My dream was to go travel with Sasha with the camper, create a yearly trade-free event, write more TROM Articles, make more videos, go volunteer, have a diverse and meaningful life, for both of us. I was so close to that, then it fell off a cliff.
I am trying my best to still dream about such a lifestyle even if it is just me. But now with my father having a lot of health problems, my parents now in Spain, the future is something that scares me and I refuse to think about. For context my father had 5 strokes in 1 year. He has severe problems with understanding where things are in space, recognizing objects, difficult to orient himself....can barely speak, cannot read or write, very difficult to use his hands....basically needs constant care and my mother who is almost 70 cannot by herself take care of him. We got them to Spain, were able to rent a flat for 6 months because in Spain renting long term is a wet dream....everyone only rents for the season. Maximize the profit, of course. Bless the Trade Society.
We have a lot of plans to do and problems to solve.
I wonder how to find happiness in such a situation. And where.
At least I am lucky that the human invented world, the bullshit jobs, money, ownership, nationalities and countries,, all of that is not all it is. In fact is a simplistic and primitive world that humans have invented. I am lucky that the real reality of atoms, evolution, galaxies and quasars lets me feel part of something special and important. It would be hell on earth if all it was, was the human world.
At least this fact keeps me afloat.
Is been 3 days since I stopped taking my sleeping pills. At least that is an improvement. However I feel like I would start using them again...
Anyway, my life sucks but I have to fight to not let it suck for too long, else what's the point....will do my best to focus on TROM....videos, a new article about AI. Will try!
Rant done!
João Tiago Rebelo (NAFO J-121)
in reply to Tio • • •Tio likes this.
Tio
in reply to João Tiago Rebelo (NAFO J-121) • •BB
in reply to Tio • • •Well done for finding such an improvement in the darkness. It is no small thing, and can be excruciatingly painful. Every day is a step forward, every day is a step into the unknown.
You are right that all we can be is very grateful for all that is so special in life. It is this experience that hit me hardest, and yet is so easily forgotten again. I practice it now as a daily ritual to try never to lose sight of it again. Humble gratitude in service, and the purest joy of simply living and being able to use my body. It can take an almost inhuman patience through seemingly endless layers of frustration, but I can truly say with certainty, that good things, quite unexpected marvels, and a pathway to a robust inner peace and happiness, all do come in time from gaining the right focus on this step, this moment, free from any hopes or expectations.
[I have no income or future "security", and am so much healthier and happier for it, particularly *because* I do not subscribe to such a way of thinking! There is some subtly, and more to be said on the subject, but in a simplist
... Show more...Well done for finding such an improvement in the darkness. It is no small thing, and can be excruciatingly painful. Every day is a step forward, every day is a step into the unknown.
You are right that all we can be is very grateful for all that is so special in life. It is this experience that hit me hardest, and yet is so easily forgotten again. I practice it now as a daily ritual to try never to lose sight of it again. Humble gratitude in service, and the purest joy of simply living and being able to use my body. It can take an almost inhuman patience through seemingly endless layers of frustration, but I can truly say with certainty, that good things, quite unexpected marvels, and a pathway to a robust inner peace and happiness, all do come in time from gaining the right focus on this step, this moment, free from any hopes or expectations.
[I have no income or future "security", and am so much healthier and happier for it, particularly *because* I do not subscribe to such a way of thinking! There is some subtly, and more to be said on the subject, but in a simplistic manner "hope" was one of the critical blockages I had to let go of towards making real progress.]
Unfortunately it is the pain and suffering that we seem to learn best from (I have come to consider them as dearest friends, my own body and system of being, doing its level best to make its point understood to this dumb consciousness strapped on top! XD). At least, I have never come across anyone who truly understood my experiences or what I learnt in response, who has not been through some kind of similar hardship themselves. All I can perhaps say is to try and be as free as possible from surrounding norms of thought, and as open-minded and non-judgemental as possible in seeking out a greater diversity of influences that are truly a positive impact on how you feel, both during, and most particularly also *after* the fact of experience (as opposed to those experiences that simply distract or comfort in the moment, but leave us feeling dis-empowered thereafter).
Wishing you much love and care ♥
Tio likes this.
Rokosun
in reply to BB • • •Hey it's good to see you again my friend 🙂
Tio
in reply to BB • •