I’ve been pushing myself. To not give up when things were terribly bad and painful. To regain strength and stamina again. To become more human again. To learn to deal with grieve, guilt and pain. And all of this, it’s taken so much energy from me. After having cared for two sweet galls for ten days, I am now slowly revovering. I need to force myself to relax, to do the bare minimum, to allow myself to agree that on some days, giving “80%” is more than enough.

My ADHD always wants to aim at 110%, which is probably also part of the reason why I am so terribly drained. My thoughts keep on going, even when I take my Methylphenidate . I’ve not tried to take an extra Risperidon to help me relax, so maybe I will try that when it gets too much. I’m just constantly thinking and feeling these days… And a part of me feels like it’s all been too much. 💔 I need to recover…

Every time I try to relax, when I lay down on the couch, pillow, blanket, a favorite TV series… And still my brain wants me to “do things”. My muscles are so sore that I struggle getting even the simplest exercises done. It’s hard to motivate myself to do the easiest chores. I think part of me wants to give up and just let it all go… 😢 But… I can’t! It would only make things worse, as it would mean breaking my last promise to Arwen before she passed away: to not give up, and to use her strength and confidence to find a way to keep going…

And that’s what I’ve been doing for the last 13 weeks. I tried to have a healthy routine, I tried to get my exercises in, I tried to become stronger again. The first 7 weeks, it was made a bit “easier” as mum was with me. And she had brought along her dog for some of that time, which allowed me cuddles, affection, and walkies with him. After those weeks, there was a week where we were on a simple vacation, which also meant a more steady routine, and Bas to walk from time to time. After that, I was just starting to find my new routine, and then I cared for two dogs for ten days. And now… After all that… I can really feel how much it’s taken from me. And it’s just so hard, because now, I realize how broken 💔 I still am.

flic.kr/p/2rmZn7m

And now much of my body and brain are letting me know that they’re exhausted. But my brain is being unfair, cause it tells me that I have no spoons left, while it also tells me that I have to get certain chores done and that I need to keep working on my recovery, because I can’t break my last promise to my gall. So, once again, I will need to find a good way to balance things. And that’s something I’ve been working on for so long, under different circumstances, and it’s never been easy to find. If I were able to find it at all…

I know that I’ve been struggling a lot. I’ve been open about it. At times I even felt like I was making “too much” of it. That I should “just snap out” and start “doing better” again. 😔 Of course, these feelings and thoughts didn’t make my situation any better. And, as I’ve previously shared, I’ve been dealing with my guilt over Arwen’s last few days. Even though everyone “assures” me that I did the right thing, that Arwen was most likely trying to hide her pain from me, I still feel that I should have noticed it sooner. And I know that the trauma and surgery that happened at the start of that week made it way more difficult (I went to the hospital by ambulance Monday, early afternoon, and I was released on Wednesday afternoon), but I just can’t shake the feeling that I had to notice it earlier… I know that dogs try to hide their discomfort, because they want to “serve” their master… But I somehow feel like I expected too much of her, and that’s why she was hiding it, because she was afraid to disappoint me. And exactly these thoughts, these feelings, make me relive the guilt over and over, making it so difficult to let go…

flic.kr/p/2rejXNC

So here I am now, almost 3 months later, still mourning and struggling to adapt to my new life. The tears I’ve cried could fill a swimming pool, I guess. And I’m sure there will be many more. And, when the time comes next year, where I may welcome a new choccy gall into my life, there may be more tears. I know Arwen can’t (and shouldn’t) ever be replaced. But, I do hope that by loving again, bonding again, there is a way for me to feel less sad. To remember my gall without the tears, but with a smile, with love and gratitude. 💜

But, I’ve pushed myself so much. Everyone kept asking how I was doing. And I wanted to do better, feel better, get better… I didn’t want to disappoint anyone, especially not Arwen, so I kept going. And sure, I said I was tired. I said I was in pain. I said I was grieving. But… I kept trying to improve and do better, as much as I thought I should. This was, of course, mostly in my head. But also, in my memories of previous surgeries and losses. People usually remarked that “it’s been such and so long now”, where they usually meant that I should be doing better, I should be able to get done more, where I should be grieving less… And I guess that, dealing with that while growing up, while “learning” how it “should be done”, I find it hard to allow myself to deal with it as I need. Lately, I’ve tried to research a bit about dealing with grief as a NeuroSpicy 🌶️ person, that neurodivergent people often grieve in a very different way than neurotypical folks do. And, of course, the people who mostly made those remarks of “it’s been so long”, we’re folks that were NT… 😔

makertube.net/w/4qHM2aPrgx2ydd…

I have to find a way to come at peace with myself. Stop dealing with my guilt. Stop pressuring me past the point where it’s just too much. I know that I will be able to recover better is most of my steps are smaller, but going forward… If I wanna go too fast, every step that I will need to set backward, with make me struggle with negative feelings again. And those triggers are best to avoid…

The thing is, I know so much of what I should be doing, and what would help me most, and what the best way is to keep going. But… I am sabotaging myself, because the grief and guilt keep triggering megative emotions in me, and they drain me, they set me back, they take away the motivation that I need to keep going. And yeah, I know that Arwen would not want me to dwell. She did all she could to show me she supported me all the way. She didn’t know how to be angry with me, if she was disappointed, it usually was because I didn’t want to throw the ball anymore, when it was time to head home after a visit to the Herperduin… So yeah, the guilt is unnecessary… Only the grief should be there… And even that, Arwen would not want me to suffer from. She wanted to please me, to make me happy, and I have to honor her…

flic.kr/p/2rvAvr7

So now, I need to try to slowly get some energy back. To start building up my strength again. And, hopefully, to be able to start feeling happier again as well…

At the moment, I am trying to catch up on some sleep, as much as my body will allow me to. I still struggle to get myself motivated to do the exercises. But I hope that, with me getting some more/better sleep now, that I will hopefully get some more energy to be more motivated to do the exercises… 🍀 One can always hope that this, indeed, will be the way to go at it..

One step at a time… And, allow myself the time, allow myself to feel happy, allow myself to live (and love) again…

Thank you for your interest in my blog. I really appreciate your visit. If you like my posts and you want to share them on your social media, please, feel free to do so! I’d be honored. If you don’t want to miss a thing, press the follow button (you’ll need to be a signed in WP user) or you can follow me though the FediVerse with the link below, or scroll down and leave your email below this post. If you are a WP user and you would like me to know you liked my post, press the star/like button please. You can also comment when you see this post as a Toot on the Fediverse, and I’ll be notified of that as well. Thanks ever so much! Of course comments are welcome, but spam won’t get shared, so don’t bother with that…

Please be wise and stay safe! I hope to see you back real soon again, feel free to drop in anytime! Wishing you all the best. With love, Cynni 🌹

flic.kr/p/2qCtAEn

I am living on a disability income and don’t generate an income with my blog. If you would like to support me and my work, I’d greatly appreciate it. Every bit helps me tremendously. For more information and a donation link, please check out ko-fi.com/PlaystationPixy

If you prefer to use PayPal, that’s also a possibility: PayPal.me/CynniPixy

Thanks ever so much 💜

Pixy's Vids

2025-09-27 03:16:12

Arwen at the Herperduin - 23/04/2025 v2

A newer edit of one of Arwen's Herperduin video's. She was showing her struggles a bit then, if only I'd known... 😢 But she enjoys it a lot as well...
I miss her so much, and noticing the struggles now, it pains me some... But I also know she loved going there, and we did it at her pace...
My little gall unfortunately passed away on July 4th 2025. 💔 🌈 🐾

flic.kr/p/2rv3aFC

📷 23/09/2025

📱Samsung Galaxy S25 Ultra

🌐Herpen, the Netherlands

Early morning sky with a breathtaking sunrise, painted in deep shades of purple, pink, orange, and soft yellow. The clouds stretch dramatically across the sky, glowing with fiery tones where the sun begins to rise near the horizon. Silhouettes of houses, rooftops with solar panels, garden fences, and trees frame the bottom of the scene. A single streetlamp stands faintly lit in the center, adding a quiet urban touch to the otherwise natural beauty. The stillness of the neighborhood contrasts with the vivid, ever-changing sky above, capturing the peaceful yet powerful essence of dawn.

Thank you for your interest in my blog. I really appreciate your visit. If you like my posts and you want to share them on your social media, please, feel free to do so! I’d be honored. If you don’t want to miss a thing, press the follow button (you’ll need to be a signed in WP user) or you can follow me though the FediVerse with the link below, or scroll down and leave your email below this post. If you are a WP user and you would like me to know you liked my post, press the star/like button please. You can also comment when you see this post as a Toot on the Fediverse, and I’ll be notified of that as well. Thanks ever so much! Of course comments are welcome, but spam won’t get shared, so don’t bother with that…

Please be wise and stay safe! I hope to see you back real soon again, feel free to drop in anytime! Wishing you all the best. With love, Cynni 🌹

flic.kr/p/2qCtAEn

I am living on a disability income and don’t generate an income with my blog. If you would like to support me and my work, I’d greatly appreciate it. Every bit helps me tremendously. For more information and a donation link, please check out ko-fi.com/PlaystationPixy

If you prefer to use PayPal, that’s also a possibility: PayPal.me/CynniPixy

Thanks ever so much 💜