I have not been feeling all too well the last couple of months. A lot happened. Trauma, pain, grief, loss, guilt, doubt, remorse… So many tears have been shed, so many nightmares have been had, and I am afraid, the end of the sadness and pain is not in sight just yet…

I understand that a part of my suffering I’m self-inflicting… I can’t seem to let go of certain feelings, I keep going back to some of the worst memories, and I know it won’t change a single thing, I just can’t release these feelings, these bad memories, from my mind. 😢 And when I try to, when I almost succeed at times even, something happens that triggers these emotions and memories again. Like I’m not “allowed” to let the bad things be and go leave them behind, giving me a chance to focus on the positive…

And, if I’ve realized one thing during these last three months, it’s that sadness, grief, and emotions can drain your energy reserves to the bottom of your body… You’d almost feel your skin shrink, because the negative side is so strong, and however much you try to sleep to recover, your battery just seems to be stuck just above the “depleted sign”. There is still a little bit to keep going, but you never feel like it’s enough to make a (positive) change. 😔

I am learning to use this “little bit of energy” to keep going. I’m dangerously close to burning out, most of the time. Where thoughts coming from the dark monster (depression) are starting to sound louder in the back of my head. And I need to keep reminding myself that they’re telling me lies. That they’re trying to pull me down, because they know my defences are low, due to the low energy I have… And I guess that’s also why I keep writing about it. Because somehow, people reminding me about the good things, people dismissing the bad things, they give me just that little spark every now and then that I need to keep fighting the good fight. Their support, their kindness, it shows me that the bit of energy that’s still in me, it should be enough to keep going! 💪🏻

I should not expect miracles. I should not do anything big just yet. I don’t have that amount of energy (yet?). But… I can use it to get my well needed exercises in, to help me recover and regain my strength. I can use it to find a new routine that suits me and my current needs. I can even use it to give in to my grief, to allow it to find some relief every now and then… I know I should not try to push too hard, because the chance is there that I’ll fail when doing that. And I know that failing something like that at this moment will take away the last barrier for the burnout to happen… And I need to keep that barrier up as best as I can, to protect the energy I have, so that I can keep going forward.

I may not realize that I, indeed, am going forward. Because it’d going so slowly, to me at least, that I often feel like I am stuck and failing every single day (see how the dark monster is weighing in it’s thoughts here… 👿). But, maybe thanks to me writing so much about my journey through life, and me tracking things with my watch, I do know that I am making progress. Some weeks I advance a bit more, the next I stay more stable to recover, so the next week, I may see some more advancement… But, it is hard to keep going when the improvements aren’t just “right there to see”. I mean, when they’re less obvious to me, because the steps of improving have been such small ones, that I sometimes don’t even realize that, many of those steps, make a few big ones all together as well.

I need to look back at times and see where I’ve come from. I am too stuck on the numbers that I “had” when I was healthier, before I had two big surgeries, one major trauma and a major loss on top of it all. And sure, I’ve had hip surgery before. And, autistic me tried look back to those surgeries and “plan” around those recovery times. And… I had to learn to “let that go”. I never had a major surgery, followed by major trauma, followed by another major surgery! My hip region has never been through anything like this, so… There is nothing to “compare” this recovery to… There is no experience that helps me to deal with this. Autistic me wants to plan! ADHD me wants to make all the progress, all the time! And the rest of me? I “just” want to recover. 😉 I want less pain. I want stronger muscles. I want a better stamina. I want less obesity. And, preferably, I want it to happen all at once, as soon as possible (now would be good 😇).

So, I’ve been putting more pressure on myself. Forgetting that, due to all of the stuff happening, that my energy supplies are low. And that my emotional state is out of whack as I am still struggling too much with my guilt and grief… 😔

Which has me feeling so exhausted all the time. Granted, doggy sitting two choccy galls for ten days took a lot of me! And I’m now trying to “catch up” on some sleep, while I can. It’s helping me a bit, as long as weird dreams and painful nightmares stay clear of my mind…

I will have to doggy sit again next weekend, so that means a little less time to be in bed and try to get more hours in… And I know there will be another dog in my life, starting sometime next year. And, I owe it to her to get myself ready for her, properly. I know, it’s still months away until she may join my journey through life… At least for as many years as she is able to give me without troubles… But, until that time comes, I have my work cut out for me. 😉

I made a promise to Arwen to not give up. She taught me a lot in all those years, she showed me to have strength and faith, even in the darkest and hardest of times. And I believe she is still with me, as part of her soul lives on as long as I am able to remember and honor her. 😢 (ugh, and this has me sobbing again). So, while I feel bläh most of the time, I will try to use the available energy to keep going. As I wrote earlier, I will keep trying to make all those little steps forward. Getting stronger, getting less emotionally unstable, and hopefully, also being able to lose some weight, while I am at it… 😉

I know so much. But, I also feel so much. And heck, I struggle even more… It does complicate things a lot. And, to be honest, I complicate things for myself a lot… But… Little steps… Little goals, working towards the bigger ones. Walking a little faster and more stable. Getting some strength trainings in. Trying to ride the bike a bit longer. I don’t expect to get to the main goal anytime soon. I just don’t have the energy for it. But that’s OK. I will slowly rebuild and… Try not to be too hard on myself, and allow myself some days where “meeting the minimum” is good enough and acceptable. Even by me… 😇

To be (positively) continued… I hope… 🍀

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