For a while now, I have been struggling with bad dreams. Some were just too weird, some were triggers of the past, and once, at the start of this month, it was pure hell… (One last wag 😭 – caution: it’s a very sad post). I started to draw back a little. I felt at a loss with my emotions. The smallest triggers could cause me to tear up… I couldn’t find joy in the things that usually calmed and relaxed me. Every time I woke up earlier than the alarm… If I had about 6½ hours of sleep, and I felt like I did while waking up.. I would not get back to sleep again.
I found that, trying to sleep again after bad dreams, it often lead to more bad dreams, and I never would wake up afterwards, feeling any better. Often, if I would try to sleep some more, I would feel even more tired, because they bad dreams just wore me down. I never really recall dreams, I just have feelings, emotions, sweat, an elevated heart rate… Only, the one nightmare I mentioned, I remembered that, because that was based on a very real and sad memory, that keeps haunting me ever since it happened… 😢
While I was drawing back, I tried to find something, anything, that could help me to relax again. I struggled with my exercises, with food, with sleep… Gaming didn’t bring me the relaxing feels that it usually gave me. I struggled focusing on the TV at times, even series and movies that I really love to watch. And then, I remembered that mum and I had started the Dumbo puzzle when she was staying with me after my second surgery (and Arwen’s unfortunate passing). I cleaned out the table and started working on it again. And… It helped! Finding distractions I wrote this post about it. 😊
I started to focus a bit more on music again, sharing some of my little vinyl collection here. And then, I learned there was a new book out in the Robert Langdon series, by Dan Brown. I had some of the books in paper version, but I never read them all. I knew I had all the digital versions of the books as well, so I charged my eReader, updated the books, and I started with “Angels & Demons”. I really got into it with all I got, reading instead of TV, even while I was riding the hometrainer. Of course, I wrote a little blog about that too. Back in December 2020, I also wrote a little blog about reading as well. 😊
So, I dived into the world of Robert Langdon, and within a few days, I had finished my re-read of the first book of the series. I also started a re-watch of the three movies that have been made of the books, finding them in good quality on my HBO. (Ow if only I had a decent working sound system now, the TV speakers don’t do the soundtracks any justice). (All three albums in a playlist on my Tidal profile).
I grabbed my warmer blanket, as the nights were getting colder. I lit the three candles on my small table. All other lights were off. One hand held the eReader, with the other O noticed that I was playing with my star-shaped ash-pendant. Trying to “connect” with my gall, hoping she could help me to find some inner peace.
I lost that. I lost her… And I struggle with it, every day… 😢
I try to close the world around me, retreat into my bubble, and at the moment, I dive into my books. I know I need to be careful not to get too dependent on that bubble. I need to find ways to connect again… But the nightmares, the stupid and painful dreams, the loss of my motivation, missing the drive I once had “to do better”. All went to hell and back when I lost her.
So for now, I read. And I want to start a new puzzle. I am currently adding “puzzle glue” to Dumbo, so that I can frame it. So it can be moved from the puzzle mat, and that I can start a new one.
I try to do the chores that need to be done. Keep the daily life going. Push myself at the gym, and to go out for walks. Arwen would not want me to give up on that. Some days, I manage better than others. But that’s always gonna happen, as living with chronic health issues will always make life more interesting…
Books, puzzles, fitness & walks… And slowly, hopefully, adding gaming and enjoying my series and movies again. I want to feel better. I want no more nightmares. I need to forgive myself for what happened, as I am the only one that “blames me” in the way that I do… (hope that this makes any sense).
So, for now, I try to keep up with my blog. And when I am not writing, or trying to sleep, I hope to be relaxing with a good book, a beautiful puzzle, or maybe a good game. And I guess I should try the breathing exercises some more again, as well. One step at a time, hopefully in the right direction… 🍀
Thank you for your interest in my blog. I really appreciate your visit. If you like my posts and you want to share them on your social media, please, feel free to do so! I’d be honored. If you don’t want to miss a thing, press the follow button (you’ll need to be a signed in WP user) or you can follow me though the FediVerse with the link below, or scroll down and leave your email below this post. If you are a WP user and you would like me to know you liked my post, press the star/like button please. You can also comment when you see this post as a Toot on the Fediverse, and I’ll be notified of that as well. Thanks ever so much! Of course comments are welcome, but spam won’t get shared, so don’t bother with that…
Please be wise and stay safe! I hope to see you back real soon again, feel free to drop in anytime! Wishing you all the best. With love, Cynni 🌹
flic.kr/p/2qCtAEn
I am living on a disability income and don’t generate an income with my blog. If you would like to support me and my work, I’d greatly appreciate it. Every bit helps me tremendously. For more information and a donation link, please check out ko-fi.com/PlaystationPixy
If you prefer to use PayPal, that’s also a possibility: PayPal.me/CynniPixy
Thanks ever so much 💜
One last wag 😭
As I write this, I’ve been up for over an hour, crying most of the time. I am not at home at the moment, so I don’t have my own comforts and safe spaces… I just have to make due with crying in the dark, feeling very tired and sad…
I talked with very good friends today and they told me about their cat’s vet visit. And somehow this triggered a memory of Arwen at the vet… And this triggered my memories of Arwen’s last vet visit… I cried and then I was OK again. Until it came back at me in a dream (bloody nightmare). And now I see that last tailwag every time I close my eyes… 😭
Long version of the alt text for this post’s header image: A softly edited, emotional photograph tinted in muted purple hues shows Arwen, a chocolate Labrador, lying peacefully on the floor near her bed. Her eyes are closed, her expression calm yet weary, her paw stretched forward as if still reaching for the world she loved so dearly. The vignette darkens the edges, drawing focus to her resting face and silky fur. At the bottom of the image, in elegant pink-purple gradient cursive text outlined in light-blue, are the words: “One last wag…” This is the final picture ever taken of Arwen, less than 24 hours before her passing from an aggressive heart tumor. Though she was resting here, her guardian thought she was only tired from the summer heat of over 30°C. The next day, Arwen gave one last gentle wag of her tail upon entering the vet’s office—her final gesture of love and trust—before she passed away about half an hour later. Her absence left a deep ache; she was truly Cynni’s beloved brown soulmate.
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I need to have a good cry… And I’ve had so many in the last 121 days (the days she passed away, as I am writing this). I wish I could say that it’s getting easier. As everyone tells you that it “just needs time to heal”, which I’ve said myself before as well. Scars heal, wounds heal, so the loss of a pet should heal as well, I guess… But…
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I am so deeply caught up in my trauma, my undiagnosed cPTSD is triggered so badly these days… I still struggle with feelings of guilt over Arwen’s last few days… That I should have seen the signs sooner. That I should have acted upon the signs earlier. That I was wrong for making her suffer longer than she should have. I keep blaming myself for causing pain and harm to my gall, even though I had no idea how badly she was struggling, because she hid it from me that well, and that long (and maybe I just didn’t want to see it… 😢).
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I know with all my heart that I have done all I could for Arwen. But somehow my traumatized brain keeps telling me that she deserved better, and I should have made the choice for her sooner. And I know I was rushed to the hospital on Monday, had surgery on Tuesday, came home on Wednesday… I know I took her to the vet first thing on Friday morning, after she and I had spend two nights awake together, with me crying most of the time (also due to my own trauma of the dislocation and surgery). I was there with her, best as I could, for all of those last hours. But somehow my brain keeps saying that the last night was one too many. I should have taken her (well, asked my mum) to the vet on Thursday. I let her suffer a whole more day and night because I didn’t want to see how much she was struggling… 😭
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That last night with her, I saw she was in such discomfort. I wrote a blog post that I feared I was going to lose her… I wanted to sit with her, hug her, be with her. But I couldn’t because I just had surgery and I was all bruised and under heavy restrictions. I tried to lean forward on my crutches and smootch with her the best I could. But all I wanted ead to hug her do much… 😭 It just feels like I let her down in so many ways…
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So when mum and I were able to take her to the vet, a place she always loved to go, she struggled with getting into the car. Mum helped her and we went. Mum helped her from the car and she slowly headed towards the office. She barely made it inside, where she entered with some tail wags, as she loved seeing the people there… 😭 She was feeling horrible, in pain, with a fever, with a heart being crushed by a bad tumor. And she came into the vet’s office wagging her tail! 😭
Shortly after that, she collapsed. The vet could not hear her heart properly, so she was carefully being led to the back. Mum and I waited but I knew it was very bad. They called us in, and told me the news about the fever and the tumor. She was suffering and she would not make it through the weekend. My world fell apart! As I couldn’t bend over to hug her, the ladies got a metal table and she was lifted on it. They gave her an IV with sleeping meds. I kept caressing Arwen as best as I could, while she fell asleep. They gave the euthanasia meds and she slowly passed away with me holding her paw and stroking her head… 😭
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She was free, free of pain, free of discomfort, free of her struggles… And my pain just intensified by a gazillion. I know I did what I always promised her. I would not let her suffer. (even though my brain has been telling me for almost 4 months now that I should have called the vet on Thursday…). But I’ve been suffering ever since, as I have come to realize how much she did for me, without me even realizing it. But that only seems to increase my feelings of guilt over not acting sooner when I realized that she was struggling so much… 💔
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I miss you Arwen! Those last memories, the pain I saw in you, the relief on your face when you fell asleep for the last time, the gratitude and love you gave me until your final breath… And seeing that last time you wagged your tail… I wonder if you realized that I “heard” your distress call, and that you knew the pain was soon going to be over… Maybe that last wag had more meaning than I realized as well… 😭
makertube.net/w/m19pN8TZ6J8HQB…
Thank you for your interest in my blog. I really appreciate your visit. If you like my posts and you want to share them on your social media, please, feel free to do so! I’d be honored. If you don’t want to miss a thing, press the follow button (you’ll need to be a signed in WP user) or you can follow me though the FediVerse with the link below, or scroll down and leave your email below this post. If you are a WP user and you would like me to know you liked my post, press the star/like button please. You can also comment when you see this post as a Toot on the Fediverse, and I’ll be notified of that as well. Thanks ever so much! Of course comments are welcome, but spam won’t get shared, so don’t bother with that…
Please be wise and stay safe! I hope to see you back real soon again, feel free to drop in anytime! Wishing you all the best. With love, Cynni 🌹
flic.kr/p/2qCtAEn
I am living on a disability income and don’t generate an income with my blog. If you would like to support me and my work, I’d greatly appreciate it. Every bit helps me tremendously. For more information and a donation link, please check out ko-fi.com/PlaystationPixy
If you prefer to use PayPal, that’s also a possibility: PayPal.me/CynniPixy
Thanks ever so much 💜
The image features a person and a chocolate Labrador Retriever. The dog is positioned on the left side of the image, with its mouth open and tongue out, appearing happy and relaxed.
Flickr
Ello sweet and lovely Friendos 
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Fankoos dear 💜 I'll do my best. 😊 Some reading now, then brekky, and I'll probably "need" to follow it with a walk on my treadmill. But first, some more reading. 😇
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