What’s love?
Not that song, but actual “love”. I always hated that word for some reason because I thought it is shallow. But for the past years I used it a lot and got used to it. The dictionary says this:
A strong feeling of affection and concern toward another person, as that arising from kinship or close friendship.
I made a post about my girlfriend cheating on me and dumping me, so you can read it in full. That made me think about what this “love” is, since is a word we both used in our relationship often.
When you have a kid, and you love your kid, love means a lifelong (perhaps) feeling of care and appreciation towards that creature. The kid will smell, poop, yell, be mean, but also kind, smart, funny, cute. You won’t “divorce” your kid just because he poops his pants. No? Love is when you are able to overcome challenges in order to maintain a relationship that matters to you.
If you have a pet, say a dog, and after 3 years you think “fucking shit this thing shits 3 times a day I am done with it” then you are not someone who was prepared to have dogs. If you love your dog, you will put up with these things.
In a couple love should mean the same. If you decide to have a long term relationship with someone you must understand that problems will arise, attraction will decrease, annoyance can become more common, and overall the journey is long and you have to be strong.
If you are in a relationship with someone because “I saw that big boobed girl with a great ass and I love fucking her” then this is not a great start for a long term relationship. Physical attraction is in fact a bad way to start a long term relationship for the simple fact that people get old, they fart, eat like animals, can be annoying, and so forth. You have to change and see the other as your partner, not a sex toy.
If you manage to move from being in love with someone’s looks to also be in love with his/her personality, then even better, but both change, so regardless you have to put a lot of effort to keep a relationship working. Grey hair and getting fat are part of how the cells change over time, but so is the behavior of people. That’s also cells no? So there is no way around this other that adapting, making compromises, helping each other.
Of course all relationships are complex. And if the relationship does not work perhaps is better to move to separate ways. But there is NO longterm relationship that does not have to work like 2 friends helping each other. No way. Time is too long, friendship and helping each other will be far more important to keep you together than big boobs or a 6-pack.
So when my girlfriend said that she will break up with me because she found a better life for herself (solo hiking – adventure), and she also cheated on me (found sexual “freedom”), it made me think a lot about relationships and this idea of “love”. You see when we met she was very attracted to me, both physical and mental attraction. Then physical attraction faded, and mental one idk maybe still there? She ended up wanting her old lifestyle back that made her happier. On the opposite side I did not feel any physical attraction to her in the beginning, but loved her character and her as a person. I ended up feeling physical attraction to her in time, and kept my appreciation for her as a person. She found love and lost it. I grew love and kept it. Maybe that was the difference. That’s my guess.
I hate my parents sometimes. They drove me nuts over the years. But I love them overall. I like their company sometimes. They are there for me and I am here for them. It sounds like a ridiculous idea perhaps to give up on your parents, or kids, or pets, or siblings, just because you found better and more “fun” parents, kids, or pets. But in couples relationships this is normal and people can just give up on their partner after years of being together just because they find “something else”, a better and more “fun” partner, or a better and happier life. I am unsure if anyone can understand this, but in my head this is bizarre. Because if you let this feeling dictate your life you will always have to change relationships and lifestyles, since everything “gets old” metaphorically and literally. If that lifestyle suites you, so be it. I see things differently.
I saw my relationship with my girlfriend similarly to other relationships with my family and friends. Something that needs maintenance and management in order to work. The better you do these, the better the life will be for both of you. Countless times I was not attracted to her – is normal – but I bounced back and found happiness again. Attraction engaged, we are back on track. New ideas, experiences, talks, plans, internal thoughts are part of what can bounce back your relationship. Same way that a beating heart is not only beating but resting after the beat, something easily neglected, a relationship will normally pulsate.
I would find it heartbreaking if I were to find a more “fun” life and suddenly cut ties with my best friend, or my parents, or my sister, or someone very close to me. I would try to have both if possible.
In this Trade Based Society we all grow up looking for immediate fun and rewards because of ads, supermarkets, Malls. Wow that new car is lit! That cool new phone! Clothes, holidays to exotic places, delicious foods, consume, eat, fuck, drive, rinse and repeat. But in my view the wholesome of life comes from what you do in time with the things and creatures you interact with. That “cheap” car you have, you will love it more the more you use it and take care of it. The laptop, the gadgets, the technology that allows you do to important stuff, you will love it for that and get to appreciate its true value beyond the “looks”. Holidays are not important, you enjoying your time is, regardless of the place. Food is not just about taste you realize, else you will eat all of the crap, but about keeping yourself healthy as well. The value of things and relationships comes from deeper inside of them, not the package they are wrapped into.
If you do not appreciate these then your new phone is just a more expensive device that you use to scroll the same TikTok shit daily; your new shiny car is the same box that gets you from point A to point B, and you keep it parked for 95% of the time – but now is more expensive. And if you eat the food based on how it tastes and don’t think much about your health, you end up fat and with diabetes. On top of that your holidays and happy moments will only be that on your Instagram if you chase the exotic more than you chase the good time spent with your loved ones.
To drive a Lamborghini, fuck a supermodel, get your hands on the latest tech, go to exotic places, have expensive clothes and branded watches, feels enticing especially in our shallow consuming driven society, but in time you realize these things are momentary fun experiences and many times empty ones for that matter. Almost like a magic trick. I think sexual temptation is a hell of a feeling and is created by our consuming society in part or a lot (sex sells and that changes values), but so is the temptation for other exciting things, and we know very well that if you do not have control over this temptation, you may end up a sort of junkie that gets to tastes from all and each, something that gets tasteless quite fast. We all try to put our temptations on a leash, else our lives would be a mess. Some are better at this than others. It all matters “what gives”. Is it worth fucking a random guy and get the thrill of it at the expense of a long term relationship with another human? Is it worth eating fast food because is fast and tasty, at the expenses of your health? Is it worth spending so much money on an expensive car at the expense of using that money to have more stability in life? For some people is worth it. For some is not.
And so is with long term relationships when people decide to find more attractive and fun lives/partners somewhere else (the new), instead of finding that excitement and happiness in their long term relationship.
So to me love is this deep feeling of care and respect for someone, that survives the test of time and problems. And when you have love you can also achieve fun. But when you have fun, is going to be a lot of work to achieve love. Because love comes with time and a lot of challenges.
So the word love is shallow the way is used by many people (I think), unless it stands for something deep that keeps a relationship working and thriving.
Now that song 🙂
youtube.com/watch?v=oGpFcHTxjZ…
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