โฆwhich are so hard to understandโฆ
Sometimes emotions are easy to understand. Someone you love passes away, you feel very sad and maybe even depressed. Someone you trusted made an error that they donโt acknowledge but it did hurt you, you may feel disappointed and maybe also anger.
I have always struggled with emotions. Sometimes I had too many, sometimes I showed too fewโฆ And at times it was very difficult for me to understand why I was feeling a certain way. And it also has not been easy to describe my feelings and emotions to others. And I have dealt with emotions in certain situations that others didnโt understand, or didnโt find appropriate, and Iโve been told may times to not โbe a bad sportโ and to just deal with it by moving on.
When I was being tested for ADHD and autism, emotions played a part in the questioning and talks. Recognizing them, dealing with them, describing them. When you are doing something, and there is an โunknown triggerโ, and all of a sudden you feel terribly sad, or maybe incredibly angry, and you have no idea whyโฆ It is so hardโฆ Because you donโt understand why you are now feeling this way. But at that time, you are feeling that way and you will need to deal with it on order to feel better again.
Emotional Regulation: ADHD often causes emotional impulsivity, making it harder to control responses to situations. Autistic individuals, on the other hand, may have difficulty processing and understanding emotions. Together, these traits lead to emotional exhaustion, as individuals with AUdHD may experience heightened reactions to daily stressors.The Neurodivergent Brain
Sometimes you just have to let it all out. The last few years, I have tried to write about it when I could. I always hope that the writing will help me to realize what the trigger was, to recognize the emotion that it brought out, and to hopefully also find a way to let the emotion simmer down again. Sometimes, it helps me and I feel better when I am done with writing. At other times, I need to find a safe space to just let the emotion come out and then be done with it.
But not knowing what the trigger was, what the emotion represented, means that if it happens again, I will be caught by it again as well. And Iโll need to go through the motions againโฆ And I hate it when I keep feeling bad without knowing whyโฆ ๐
What Is Emotional Dysregulation?
Emotional dysregulation refers to difficulty controlling emotional responses, leading to heightened reactions such as anger, frustration, or sadness. For individuals with ADHD and ASD, these intense emotional states can feel overwhelming and persistent.
- In ADHD: Emotional dysregulation often stems from deficits in executive functioning, which impair the ability to regulate impulses and emotions effectively. Research indicates that individuals with ADHD frequently experience heightened emotional reactivity and challenges returning to baseline after emotional distress (Shaw et al., 2014).
- In ASD: Emotional dysregulation is often linked to sensory sensitivities, difficulties in social communication, and alexithymia (trouble identifying or describing emotions). Studies have shown that emotional regulation in ASD is influenced by atypical neural connectivity in brain regions involved in emotion processing (Mazefsky et al., 2014).
Neuroaffinity.co.uk
Dealing with emotions can be hard enough when your brain works โin the usual wayโ (Neurotypical). But when dealing with a neurodivergent brain, it throws in some extra challenges, making it very hard, and for me nearly impossible, from time to time.
The last 13ยฝ/14 weeks, I have had a lot to deal with. Major trauma, emergency surgery, losing Arwenโฆ Even typing her name still makes my tears well upโฆ I miss that silly gall so incredibly much. And a little while ago, I shared a blog post about how dealing with grief can be made more challenging as well, due to being NeuroSpicy ๐ถ๏ธ. That post can be found here: Am I stuck? Iโve also been trying to write more about my emotions, two of the most recent posts can be found here: Emotions everywhere ๐พ & Mixed emotions ๐พ.
Intense and Frequent Negative Emotions
Autistic individuals experiencing ED might exhibit heightened negative emotions like sadness, anger, anxiety, or frustration more frequently and intensely compared to their neurotypical peers.
Intense and frequent negative emotions can manifest as:
- Explosive Outbursts: These might involve sudden and disproportionate reactions to seemingly minor events. The individual may struggle to control their anger, leading to verbal or physical aggression.
- Prolonged Emotional Episodes: Difficulty recovering from emotional upset can lead to extended periods of intense emotional expression. This may include crying, shouting, or engaging in self-soothing behaviors that persist longer than might be expected given the triggering situation.
- Sustained Negative Responses: Even after the triggering event has passed, individuals with ED might hold onto negative emotions, impacting their ability to engage in subsequent activities or interactions.
- Elevated Irritability: Increased sensitivity to frustration can lead to a lower threshold for annoyance and anger. The individual might appear easily agitated or quick to anger in various situations.
SimplyPsychology.org
I feel as if most of these examples have been taken from my experiences. While reading these, itโs like they wrote it about me and my difficulties with these kind of (negative) emotions. And I guess that dealing with grief, among others, could be seen as a negative emotion. But while I write this, I wonder if it isโฆ Because dealing with grief can be important for someone as well. But sadness is usually seen as a negative thing, soโฆ Hmm ๐ค I guess I will need to find it on DuckDuck now. I wish I were better with knowing about emotions.
Grief is a cacophony of unpleasant emotions: pain, regret, guilt, remorse, fear, anxiety, all waxing and waning at will.But beneath them all, all the time, is the melancholy oboe that is sadness.
Sadness is different from depression. Sadness is a natural response to a situation. Unlike depression, which can be paralyzing, sadness doesnโt so much take over your life as accompany it. It surfaces sometimes, bringing sighs or tears, but it is not the dark obstacle to fully functioning that depression can be. Certainly, sadness can morph into depression, and itโs important to know the signs of clinical depression if you feel your life has become unbearably dark. But sadness is not, for the most part, destructive; it is simply part of life.
PsychologyToday.com
Because the emotion(s) I am struggling with most all involve , as you probably can guess, are involved with grief over losing my soulmate. Even after all these weeks, I am still crying every day over missing her. Little triggers that make the tears well up. And now, with the two galls staying over with me, there are a few more triggers involved of course. But this time, I am expecting them, I understand them, and I know I can just let the tears flow and remember my gall with both love and sadness.
I have no idea how long it will take me to learn to live without her. I wonder when I will be able to see pictures or videos of her, when I remember her, and I will be able to smile then, instead of bursting out in tears. She was such an important part of my life, part of me, for many years. She saved me in so many ways. And I just feel so empty and lonely at times. I know there is no โset timeโ for the grief to pass on. There are only some guidelines, that I shared in the โAm I stuck?โ blog post. But in the past, when I have been struggling with emotions like grief, people often would say โbut itโs been such-and-so long alreadyโ, like there is a set time in which someone is allowed to grieve and after that, people just expect you to be โaccustomedโ to the new situation, where you have learned to live without that someone that you lost.
Autistics often thrive on sameness and routine, and grief and loss are the most disruptive of changes. The complexity of emotions surrounding grief may be amplified for autistics with increased social communication challenges and heightened sensory sensitivities.PsychologyToday.com
I also have a hard time letting go of certain emotions. When I feel hurt, angry, or sad, it can linger in me for quite a while. And even when more time has passed, there will still be triggers from time to time, that make me relive the emotions again, like itโs just happened for the first time.
For example I will use something that happened to me during the check-up at the hospital last month. I wrote about it in a blog post, for those wishing to know more of the details: โJust a little bit of bad luckโ. But to say that the surgeon dismissed the whole thing as if it were something as simple as getting a blister from wearing bad shoesโฆ He didnโt acknowledge what had really happened, he dismissed the idea that it could have been prevented if both parts had been replaced at the same time, with better fitting sizesโฆ The worst physical pain I ever experienced, it lasted for 5 hours and resulted in more pain and it being a huge traumatic eventโฆ I was so frigging angry, and I still get angry now when writing about it. But at the time of it happening, I tried to shut myself down. If I would have shown my true anger there, things would have gone terribly badโฆ ๐
Those angry feelings I still have from time to time when I struggle with the pain thatโs still lingering in my hip area. And I still feel so sad many times a day, when something triggers a (happy) memory of my gall. I wish there was a way to โget over itโ easily and then, maybe, I would be able to feel happier again. Heck, I just started crying, and the two galls were with me on the couch. They both tried their best to come to me and cuddle and kiss me. So of course that made me cry even moreโฆ They felt my pain and tried to comfort me. Which of course triggered memories of Arwen doing just the same for meโฆ ๐ข
I donโt understand how some people seem to handle emotions like anger and grief so โeasilyโ. Of course they may be better at hiding their emotionsโฆ ๐ค I just wish I knew how to think about Arwen without starting to cryโฆ Itโs OK to cry over her when I am safely at home, but it also happens in public places, and thatโs way harder for me to deal with.
Dealing with emotions like anger and griefโฆ I just wish that, in some ways, the AuDHD would not make them harder for me to deal with than they are. Of course I donโt know how it feels for neurotypical people when they have to deal with those emotions, but after reading about all these emotions and how itโs different for NeuroSpicy ๐ถ๏ธ people to deal with themโฆ Sometimes I just wish I were more NT so I didnโt have to struggle so muchโฆ (which is not a certainty, I just really am hurting at the moment, especially due to the grievingโฆ ๐ข ).
This probably wonโt be the last post that I will write about emotionsโฆ But it would be nice if a next one could focus more on some happier things happeningโฆ
Thank you for your interest in my blog. I really appreciate your visit. If you like my posts and you want to share them on your social media, please, feel free to do so! Iโd be honored. If you donโt want to miss a thing, press the follow button (youโll need to be a signed in WP user) or you can follow me though the FediVerse with the link below, or scroll down and leave your email below this post. If you are a WP user and you would like me to know you liked my post, press the star/like button please. You can also comment when you see this post as a Toot on the Fediverse, and Iโll be notified of that as well. Thanks ever so much! Of course comments are welcome, but spam wonโt get shared, so donโt bother with thatโฆ
Please be wise and stay safe! I hope to see you back real soon again, feel free to drop in anytime! Wishing you all the best. With love, Cynni ๐น
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Thanks ever so much ๐
Am I stuck?
Am I too caught up in grieve to be able to continue my journey?
Or was my connection to Arwen really that strong and do I fear to let go?
For the last 10 weeks, I have been grieving. I have cried a lot. I still cry oftenโฆ There are moments when I feel like sheโs still around. Where I will see a shadow or think I hear a certain sound and part of my brain is just convinced that sheโs still with meโฆ I have been sharing many posts here that have been based around her life and her death. And I can imagine if youโre seeing this post and think โWill she ever get over this?โ. And I guess itโs a fair question, because yeah, I have been wondering it myself as wellโฆ
Will I ever get over the loss of Arwen? Will I find a way to cherish her memory without the fear of bursting out in tears again and again?
And then I also learned a little about how grief can differ for NeuroSpicy ๐ถ๏ธ people when compared to NT folksโฆ
I have dealt with grief before. I grieved losses of people that I loved and cared for. I grieved losses of my old furry friends. But somehow, it never felt like it does now, as I tried to explain in yesterdayโs post. I wonder why her death seems to have this huge and devastating effect on me. I know that our bond was special, I know that my whole world evolved around her. My routine suited me, sure, but she always came first. And, whenever I needed support, I never needed to askโฆ She just felt it and gave it, no questions asked, no judgement passed.
flic.kr/p/2pXrHFc
I know I have written blog posts on grieving in the past. These are the โusualโ stages of grief, as they happen for most people:
(the neurotypical) Stages of grief (taken from ClevelandClinic.org)
Elizabeth Kubler-Ross describes the five stages of grief in her book On Death and Dying. Although it was published in 1969, itโs still the most well-known resource for understanding the grieving process. For her book, Kubler-Ross interviewed over 200 people with terminal illnesses. Through these conversations, she identified five common stages people experience as they grapple with the realities of impending death.
Although Kubler-Rossโs work focuses on grief responses from people who are dying, many use these stages to understand grief across multiple types of loss. Stages include:
- Denial. You may have difficulty accepting that a loss is real.
- Anger. You may direct anger at multiple sources, including people who couldnโt save a loved one, God, yourself โ or even no one in particular.
- Bargaining. You may imagine reaching an agreement, so you donโt have to deal with a loss. You may also regret past actions that you imagine couldโve spared you from loss.
- Depression. You may experience the complex emotions associated with depression, including emotional detachment.
- Acceptance. Eventually, most people embrace the reality of loss even if the painโs still there.
Many people reduce these stages to linear steps everyone must experience to grieve. But the stages arenโt (and were never intended to be) rules. Not everyone who grieves experiences these stages, and they donโt have to happen in any particular order.
Of course these happen for NeuroSpicy folks as well, I mean, I recognize them and have experience many of them. But it also felt like something was missing. Like I was/am experiencing things that donโt really fall into these five stages. Which made me use the mighty Duck ๐ฆ and I tried to find some articles on this topic. I found some bits that Iโll share here. I will provide links to the original sources and I donโt claim any rights over the quoted texts.
Neurolaunch.com had a special post on it, which also linked so several others. But I focused on the โautistic griefโ bits for now.
Unique Aspects of Autistic Grief (taken from Neurolaunch.com)
One of the most notable characteristics of autistic grief is the intensity and prolonged nature of emotional responses. Autistic individuals may experience grief with overwhelming intensity, leading to extended periods of mourning that can last much longer than what is typically expected in neurotypical grief. This prolonged grieving process can be misunderstood by others, leading to pressure to โmove onโ or โget over itโ when the autistic person is still deeply immersed in their grief.
A little further along the article, they mention some more of the unique aspects that NeuroSpicy folks can find challenging to deal with:
Unique Aspects of Autistic Grief (taken from Neurolaunch.com)
Perhaps one of the most challenging aspects of autistic grief is the disruption of routines and the struggle with change that often accompanies loss. Autistic individuals typically rely heavily on routines and predictability to navigate the world. The death of a loved one can shatter these routines, leading to increased anxiety and distress beyond the grief itself. This disruption can manifest as:
1. Intense focus on maintaining pre-loss routines
2. Difficulty adapting to new family dynamics or living situations
3. Increased repetitive behaviors or stimming as a coping mechanism
4. Resistance to participating in new grief-related activities or rituals
At the end of the Neurolaunch article, they add this conclusion:
The journey through grief is a deeply personal and often challenging experience for anyone. For individuals on the autism spectrum, this journey takes on unique characteristics that set it apart from neurotypical grief experiences. The key differences between autistic and neurotypical grief lie in the intensity and duration of emotional responses, the challenges in expressing and communicating grief, the impact of sensory sensitivities and routine disruptions, and the cognitive processing of loss and death.
Autistic grief is characterized by prolonged and intense emotional reactions, difficulties in articulating feelings, sensory challenges that can interfere with traditional mourning practices, and a literal interpretation of death that can complicate the grieving process. Social expectations and support systems designed for neurotypical grievers may not adequately address the needs of autistic individuals, leading to misunderstandings and additional stress during an already difficult time.
It is always hard to deal with grief. And I guess the bond that I had with Arwen, the way our lives revolved around her (and my) needs, the years we spent togetherโฆ I never had such a strong bond with a futty loved one before and I guess that makes this loss one of the hardest that I have ever experienced. And I donโt think that the traumatic events that happed just a few days before Arwenโs passing helped me to be strong enough to deal with it. I know I was strong enough to make the decision to release her from her pains, as I always promised that I would be there for her when that time would come. But some days, I feel like I should have made that decision sooner, that she suffered too long.
But due to our bond, I think Arwen knew about my struggles and she wanted to stay with me as she knew I needed her. And she hid her pain and discomfort as long as she could. And because I was so caught up with the trauma, and being in hospital for 2ยฝ days in that week didnโt help the situation eitherโฆ I needed her so much, that I fear I may not have wanted to see her painโฆ Although I do believe that she hid it until she let me know it was time, during that sleepless night we spent togetherโฆ That night where she gave me that look that told me what I needed to know. Those sad eyes that still haunt me in my nightmaresโฆ ๐ข
Maybe that these experiences also make it harder for me to deal with her loss. Because I still feel so guilty towards her, that I fear I let her suffer too long, just for my own needsโฆ If that makes senseโฆ I am very sure that this will take me quite some time to process, and I wonder if there will ever be a time where I can talk or write about this without tears rolling from my eyes. So I used the mighty Duck some moreโฆ
I have browsed through several more websites that discuss the grieving process of neurodivergent people. Many mentioned the same points that I have already quoted from the Neurolaunch article. But I tried to get all the bullet points together to make this post as inclusive as I could, and not just focus on the things that affect me the most.
1. Processing Emotions Differently
- Intensity & Duration: Feelings may be more intense or prolonged, or they might appear delayed and surface much later.
- Alexithymia: Many neurodivergent people (especially autistic individuals) struggle to identify or describe emotions, which can make grief feel confusing or overwhelming.
- Masking: Some may suppress or hide their grief because expressing it openly feels unsafe or socially unacceptable.
2. Expression of Grief
- Nontraditional Expressions: Instead of crying or talking, they might show grief through changes in routines, shutdowns, meltdowns, or hyperfocus on certain activities.
- Creative Outlets: Some express loss through art, writing, gaming, or rituals, rather than verbal communication.
- Mismatch with Social Expectations: Family, friends, or coworkers might misinterpret a lack of visible grief as โnot caring,โ when itโs really a different expression.
3. Social and Sensory Challenges
- Social Demands: Traditional mourning rituals (funerals, wakes, large gatherings) can be overwhelming due to social expectations and sensory environments.
- Sensory Overload: Crowded, noisy, or emotional spaces may be intolerable, forcing avoidance that others may not understand.
- Needing Alone Time: Solitude to process might clash with cultural or family expectations of grieving together.
4. Cognitive & Routine-Based Differences
- Disrupted Structure: Neurodivergent people often rely heavily on routines for stability. Loss can shatter those, intensifying feelings of chaos.
- Rumination & Special Interests: Some may fixate on memories of the deceased, rituals, or details of the loss in a repetitive way.
- Difficulty with Executive Functioning: Grief can make everyday tasks even harder when combined with pre-existing executive dysfunction.
5. Support Needs
- Directness: Many neurodivergent people need clear, concrete communication rather than vague โIโm here if you need me.โ
- Alternative Comforts: Comfort might come more from rituals, objects, sensory aids, or routines than from verbal consolation.
- Validation: They may need reassurance that their way of grieving is valid, even if it doesnโt look like what others expect.
Summary of what most of the sites or posts I saw mentioned: The biggest differences are often around how grief is expressed, how it interacts with sensory/social needs, and how routines and executive function are affected. Neurodivergent grieving doesnโt always match โtypicalโ social scripts, but itโs just as real and meaningful. Some of the sites I visited were: Grief.org.au, Indiana.edu, and some others. There were a few longer and more โtechnicalโ articles online as well, and I admit, while dealing with grief and a lack of spoons, I have asked a summary for some of those sites to an AI. I didnโt just accept all it showed me, but the things that overlapped with what I had read on other sites, I used for the several bullet points I mentioned here.
flic.kr/p/2nb1mET
Slowly but surely, I will adapt to my new life, my new routines, and I will be able to live a life without Arwen. I will get used to not being greeted anymore when going home. Not needing to go outside for walkies. Not needing to set a certain alarm so that I can let Arwen go potty after so many hours. Of course I would rather have all these things in my life, if that could mean more time with my loving furball. And I know it will be temporary, that (hopefully) at some point next year, I will be able to open my heart and home for a new choccy love. ๐ค
And that means that she and I will create our own routine, a new bond. We will learn abou eachother as she will grow up with me. And I am looking forward to that. But now, it is good to grieve. I will never forget about Arwen. And maybe the next choccy gall will be as special as her, and she will be, in her own way. But she will never be able to replace the one that came before her, nor should she be held to that. She will bring her own ways into my life and I will do my best to adapt and to make sure she will have the best life that she could wish forโฆ
Until then, I grieve and I will slowly adapt. It may never get โeasyโ to deal with, when thinking about her. But I know that we had many good times, and I still have many snaps and some vids to always keep those loving memories aliveโฆ
makertube.net/w/7srYsMefH3bB3Sโฆ
Thank you for your interest in my blog. I really appreciate your visit. If you like my posts and you want to share them on your social media, please, feel free to do so! Iโd be honored. If you donโt want to miss a thing, press the follow button (youโll need to be a signed in WP user) or you can follow me though the FediVerse with the link below, or scroll down and leave your email below this post. If you are a WP user and you would like me to know you liked my post, press the star/like button please. You can also comment when you see this post as a Toot on the Fediverse, and Iโll be notified of that as well. Thanks ever so much! Of course comments are welcome, but spam wonโt get shared, so donโt bother with thatโฆ
Please be wise and stay safe! I hope to see you back real soon again, feel free to drop in anytime! Wishing you all the best. With love, Cynni ๐น
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I am living on a disability income and donโt generate an income with my blog. If you would like to support me and my work, Iโd greatly appreciate it. Every bit helps me tremendously. For more information and a donation link, please check out ko-fi.com/PlaystationPixy
If you prefer to use PayPal, thatโs also a possibility: PayPal.me/CynniPixy
Thanks ever so much ๐
The image features a person and a chocolate Labrador Retriever. The dog is positioned on the left side of the image, with its mouth open and tongue out, appearing happy and relaxed.
Flickr
๐
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