What do I do with myself?
2 weeks ago Sasha came back from her Iceland solo hiking and told me she hooked up with a guy there, and is not about him or anyone, but she wants us to break up because she found happiness in her solo adventures. There were no warning sings this would happen, at least not now or this way. For the past months we had quite a good relationship, even when she was in Iceland as I will explain.
I felt like falling into a sinkhole mentally. I felt like suffocating. First days were awful for me. I cried, something I don’t remember doing for decades now, I had some panic attacks, I felt like I have no direction. Is like being trapped in a cave that became so narrow and dark, and your way back is blocked by big chunks of rocks that just fell behind you. You feel like you are fucked. That’s it!
Since then I had days when I felt ok. And I thought is a progression towards getting over it. But a few days ago I again felt trapped in this dark and narrow cave with no way out.
How come we ended up here with this relationship and how come I am in such a terrible mental state?
I am different, abnormal, unadaptable to this society.
Since highschool I started to see the world differently, very much so, from the rest. I started to realize how humans live in an imaginary world of religion, money, jobs, statuses, borders, etc.. And I took this seriously.
I started to write on my blog about it and eventually made the TROM Documentary. 14h long. About why this society sucks and what we could do about to fix it.
This is me working on the TROM Documentary in 2011:
These years I felt very motivated because there were projects like TVP or TZM, followed by hundreds of thousands of people. And these projects were pretty much on the same path as my “weird” worldview. I was living with my parents and my sister. No friends. No girlfriend – actually I do not think I had any girlfriend in that sense, ever. I had that “oh I’d love to also have such a relationship” feeling in the back of my mind. But I was so focused on my online activism.
I found my tribe and then I was dumped by it.
I teamed up with TVP and I felt so happy because I was not alone. Thousands of people were working in the same direction. I was getting enough financial support for the first time in my life, to allow me to move in my own rented apartment.
I put my soul into these projects.
I was INSANE! I was watching so many documentaries, reading, writing, producing….you have no clue. I worked from the moment I woke up till I went late at night to bed. People who knew me online were shocked I am one guy doing all of these.
2015ish in my first rented apartment with my parents and my sister:
I worked so much producing the TVP Magazine, the official Venus Project Magazine, that at times I had to fill up the bathtub with warm water and put myself underneath it with a snorkeling tube. On my back looking at the ceiling from under the water. It was just too much work and that made me feel relaxed.
Anyway, reached many people, lots of engagement, comments, feedback, financial support.
Then it all DIED.
My relationship with TVP went very cold and I can only blame them and Roxanne. We broke up and I detailed that in my blog post here. Basically Roxanne surprised me one day and told me she wants us to split ways because the Magazine is basically mine and I do my own thing there not listening to her. Please read the post as this is pure insanity. I was the most collaborative person and had a lot of patience and listened. This is why it was such a shock to me when Roxanne said what she said, since I had a good relationship with her and the TVP teams….
But there is a pattern that you will see repeat in my life: Roxanne and TVP did indeed do some weird things like not putting the magazine on their main website, not talking about it, and so on. Ignoring me and the magazine, while at the same time in private telling me how great the project is and that I do a fantastic job….
I guess people are very bad at communicating their true thoughts and they let things be dragged on in confusion and suffering. The breakup was hard for me, since I was always open to fix the things that do not work, if there were any. After all TVP was bragging about how communication is key to solve our differences, and yet they behaved like any other emotional human entity from this society. TRUE DISAPPOINTMENT!
I felt so lost..
After so many years of putting so much effort into building something together with TVP, so many written pages, I redesigned their entire website, so much effort…and is all being thrown into the garbage bin from their perspective. Just like that.
This was also a time when most such activism projects were about to die quickly. The trade society is too insane and infertile for good and radical projects emerge and then grow.
I remember I felt like suffocating not knowing where to go next since my whole identity was this online Tio who is a name attached to so many projects and content for TVP. I had many online contacts, but my offline life was the same. Moved back with my parents since I could not afford to support myself financially.
All of this time my sister was my closest ally. She is the only one who knows these things. She got excited and depressed with me :D. Helped me a lot to talk to her about this situation.
I rebooted myself.
So it was I and my sister basically, going for walks in a small town in the north of spain, bitching about the world and thinking about new ideas, projects….what to do. But wtill no friends, still nothing changed in my offline life.
Somehow I managed to reboot myself. Took all of the TVP Magazine articles and transformed them into TROM Books. It was all about TROM now. I went through a bit of hell mentally to detach from TVP, but after a year or two I felt great to have my own shit on my own website, no one to stop me from being me.
I wrote more for TROM and did a bunch of new projects for it with a bunch of new people.
Eventually we made our first TROM Meeting and till now this is the most fantastic moment of my life, when people I worked with came to visit me in my little town.
I felt like something important may happen now.
Meet Sasha.
There was a girl who was interested in my work and contacted me. She had an interesting website. I was curious to browse through her content. She was traveling around the world with just her backpack for so many years. That was impressive. But what was surprising and impressive for me was that she was aware of me and TROM. And she was impressed by my work, my books, me?! She was also heavily involved with TVP back then as a point of contact for their biggest team, the Russian team. I was impressed by her values and drive.
Sasha organized some english learning classes/meetups in Russia where she would use TROM as a way to both teach english to some people and present the project. I also love this presentation of her life and TROM from 8 years ago. I saw this video back then and I was so curious about this girl. Wow, someone who understood these things and is so involved and wants to tell others about it all?! Fuck! That’s amazing. Honestly I want to meet that Sasha now!
She would do some livestreams called TROM Discussions where they would take bits of the TROM Documentary and discuss. I remember one time I was at the beach watching live and I felt so happy to see that.
She and I got in contact somehow and kept in touch over email.
I was working so hard on a core book that would redefine the TROM Project. The Origin of Most Problems. And I remember I did not have enough money to stay alone in the winter in Spain, because every year my family would go back to Romania for the 2-3 months holiday time and I usually would be dragged along, having no money to pay for the electricity, food, etc. in Spain. So this amazing Sasha sends me some 1.000 dollars to be able to stay and finish the book. I was mind blown. Even now I get goosebumps. My god this girl is something. I thanked her so much, especially since she didn’t have much money at all.
Thank you Sasha! Truly!
Since this Sasha was also part of TROM now, I of course invited her for the meetup.
She came. She fell in love with me and she was very…how to say….inserting herself quickly into my life. I was going through some health issues back then and overwhelmed by meeting so many like minded people. So I do not remember how we ended up together. Maybe she drugged me idk :)).
Truth is I was not attracted to Sasha physically. I was attracted to her as a person. To her mind. But I knew that physical attraction is something that changes and is learned from the environment. Truth is I saw these things different by that time. Not like “wow a hot chick”, but I looked at the person first. I have such a strong allergy to normal people that I cannot have a relationship even with the most beautiful human female on the planet because I detest so much the normal values of people.
I am so “abnormal” that even if a cashier/seller tries to get friendly with me in this town I lived for so long, because they see me often going to this shop, I then avoid going there. Idk man…I just don’t like people. I feel like almost all are crazy motheruckers living in their own fantasy land and I feel uncomfortable around them.
This is why this TROM Meeting was such a fantastic thing for me!
And now that Sasha inserted herself into my life I thought this is beyond fantastic and I have to make sure this relationship works. I started to care a lot about her and see her as cute, sexy, beautiful too. It worked! Of course. But I had to use my brain and not my hormones as a starter, in order to have a fully satisfying relationship, both mentally and hormonally/emotionally.
Sasha, I and my best friend Aaron decided to rent an apartment together. It was easier for us financially and we wanted to try a new life.
Sasha also wanted to finish a book about her life so she needed to stay in one place for a bit longer. I was wondering….this Sasha is so amazing and involved with these projects, but her lifestyle….is so wild compared to mine. I thought she won’t stay here for long…
But I wanted to try something new and this was an opportunity I thought I will never have.
A disjointed but great 7 years relationship.
We went through a lot. A few weeks after we moved together Sasha had to go to UK for 3 months because her Visa would expire. In the following years it was a mix of trying to deal with the papers for Sasha to be able to stay in Europe (we even got married), to her struggles to finish her book. I remember she went through a lot of awful moments mentally not finding the motivation to finish the book. I was always there to help her motivationally and with anything she needed help with. I even rebuilt/redesigned her entire website.
I cared so much about her and this relationship that I was ready to do all I can do make it work, despite being reminded at times by Sasha that she may not like this lifestyle when she complained and said she feels like in a prison in this little town. I felt maybe this was a result of her struggles with the book too, not just a dissatisfaction with “this” lifestyle, although I understood her previous lifestyle was widely different.
So whenever she said that I seriously told her that if she really wants that lifestyle back I will be very depressed about ending up our relationship BUT I will help her move on….and we have to help each other move on. Be smart, let’s do it sanely.
However things moved on, she worked on the book, a bunch of friends visited us, we had a kayak, learned to cook paella, we had a very good relationship overall I would say. Actually people looked at us and thought we are the perfect couple.
A bunch of “TROM friends” moved in the same town but nothing really fructified…idk why really. I was always busy and engaged but is not easy to build stuff together. I was very open to making videos, some events, etc.., but idk what did not work.
People are different, have different lives, want different things…idk. These friends left.
2020 I felt the most hopeful.
2020 was the pandemic. For most peopke it was an awful time, for me it was a great time. Of course not the deaths and all of that, but the fact that things were calmer and I started to also work on TROM II. Sasha helped a lot with the recordings and when I had to record her she was fantastic. A true powerhouse! She also helped with making the captions after the release. At the same time she was still working on her book.
Took me 3 years to finish the documentary. We were talking about who can release first, she her book or me the documentary. But for me this was a magic time when we both were very active and engaged with our projects and each other.
Moving with my parents.
In 2021 I and Sasha decided to move with my parents because we had little money and we wanted to also save to buy a motorhome. It was an idea we both talked about because a motorhome = cheap house + adventures + stability.
Sasha wanted to go hike for 2 months in the Pyrenees to think about her book and finally finish it.
I went with her for the first 3 days as we planned :). Truth is for me is not easy to do these hikes even for a few days. This is Sasha’s world…but I wanted to try it…
I felt sad when we split after those 3 days because by this time I was getting very attached to Sasha. Before her I was emotionally sealed. But she unsealed me. I learned how great is to hug, cuddle, kiss, have someone so close to you. So I felt a deep sadness when we split ways and she went by herself through the mountains. First time I truly felt that for someone.
I supported her fully and was excited for her. We kept in touch, she would send me photos, info, etc..
I was so happy to meet with her again when she came back.
In this meantime I was working on the documentary.
Sasha had to work.
In 2022 Sasha found a summer job in diving in this town we lived in. We needed money. Unfortunately.
But she also found new friends. Very good people! And she even pushed me to get my diving license. Experiencing that was mindbllowing for me and I crave for diving again with her….I really do!
Thank you Sasha!
Fuck I miss that 😀
But this half a year work also changed Sasha and us.
In these years Sasha had to work for 6 or more months a year in diving. I felt so bad that she has to do this…those months she was so tired. She was not her anymore. We had no relationship when she worked. We barely saw each other.
I tried to help with whatever I could. I always tried to make sure she has food to eat, cold water to drink, I was there when she came for the break, even opening the gates for her :D. I felt so guilty that she has to work. I talked to her several times about what we can do to support ourselves financially without having to go through this, or come back to a certain place. My ideas like she could help me find more websites to make, were not something she would like. Truth is she also enjoyed diving. Also the people she worked with. So it was not just work, but also the experience of diving and friends.
But we were pushed and pulled between Sasha’s job, paperwork about her residency, lack of money, and staying with my parents. At times friends visited us, even Sasha’s mom with who I got along so well. Such a nice human. I liked that Sasha’s parents were not, you know, the kind that you have to “put up with” and go meet and feel uncomfortable. Were the opposite. I never met her father directly but we said Hi through Sasha and a few times via a video call. Good people!
These years there were some tensions between us but nothing unusual for any relationship. Sasha still craved from time to time about her previous backpacking lifestyle…but I was always telling her if she really wants that we should talk and deal with it like sane humans.
I released TROM II in 2023 and…
That same period of time I finally released TROM II. I was so happy with the end result. It is the most difficult project I ever made. But….it got no traction…yes I got some amazing feedback from my closest friends, but other than that almost no one watched it. I put so much effort into it – perhaps I burned myself out…and now no impact, I felt like trapped in a blackhole of depression.
We had another TROM Meeting in 2023:
It was really cool. Got me a bit out of my depressive mood. I so love these moments! This is my tribe! And I am sure Sasha also feels the same. We all cared about each other and were decent humans with each other.
But Sasha had to go work again after the meetup was over.
I went to Prague to give a talk at the last TZM Meeting event.
I felt amazing there. For the first time I was “out there” with my ideas. I worked for weeks on that presentation and I think it went really well.
But then I come back….Sasha is working, we have little money, but we were doing our best to save for the motorhome.
I was doing my driving license classes. We were busy as always.
But here’s the thing…for me at least this was part of a relationship and we were still together, a team, I and Sasha, and we were trying to do something together. Despite the struggles, shitty lifestyle, at least I felt like there is a path forward….let’s get the motorhome, let’s not have to come back here and you to work, let’s release your book, let’s…together.
But I started to feel like Sasha lost her affection towards me…I felt like we distanced. At times I too lost that towards her, but I always fixed it internally.
Sasha’s book.
Sasha managed to release her book in 2024. Took a LOT longer than she or anyone else expected. 5 years! I am telling you, and Sasha knows this too well, this book challenged our relationship a lot. Sasha went through a lot of ups and downs, and so many times I was there to help her. At some point because she dragged on things I found irrelevant (going through thousands of fonts for months to pick one) I felt like I was ready to let go of this relationship because I felt too stressed. It is so hard to explain but trust me it was BAD.
I helped her to design the cover and that too was a lot of stress.
I didn’t like that she would let silly things like font types or some small design changes make our relationship stressful. I told her semi-jokingly if she does not release the book by a certain date I will break up with her. Because honestly it was hard. BUT I always opened these discussions with Sasha to try and find a solution. I am always like that: talk talk talk.
This was a period of time when idk if I had any attraction to Sasha anymore, I struggled myself too with my own problems, I wanted something else. BUT I used my brain again and realized that these situations will pass and I have to be the strong one now and support her.
And so I did!
I would have never abandoned Sasha when she was at her most vulnerable moment!
FINALLY in 2024 Sasha released her book!
We threw a surprise party for her. We all loved Sasha. My mother felt like Sasha was her daughter. My sister had a huge respect and appreciation for her and would “brag” about her to her friends.
But after the book release Sasha felt burned out…she also worked again in diving. No time to focus on promoting the book.
The book was fantastic!
She did an amazing job. She also talked about TROM and me in the book and that felt like an honor to me. And she even ended the book with me.
All of her 15 years of adventures, and I was her last one in her book. I felt a bit worried because I did not know if she really meant that. I hoped she did. I was also very moved by it. I shed some tears at the end of reading that book.
She gave me a copy with a wonderful hand written text at the end of it. She thanked me for the help with the book, the inspiration in her life, and said the book is her way to fight with me. Against this system. It is us, a team now. Something like that. I really hoped she meant that, but by that time I felt like perhaps she was not fully feeling that way.
But again not much happened after. We both felt burned out I guess. Tired.
We sorted Sasha’s residency. We released our projects. We were saving money for the motorhome. We did another TROM Meetup:
Sasha had to work this period of time so she could not spend too much time with us…it sucked. But still amazing to meet all of these people!
I am telling you, Sasha working for so long had a huge impact on our relationship. I think we could have found a better way to make money if we both cared about saving and improving the relationship. In all relationships such struggles exist. On top of this going here, there, papers, money, then Sasha’s 5 year work on the book and my 3 year work on the documentary pushed us more and more apart simply because we did not have time for “us”.
Season this with Sasha’s nostalgia about her backpacking life and the death of my hope with the projects I was doing, and it is a disaster.
Motorhome!
This is november 2024. I kept myself busy with searching for a motorhome that year. It was my hope that we can finally put all of our problems, or most of them, behind and try this new lifestyle.
We managed to save money, my parents and some friends helped us financially too, and we bought it.
What followed was almost 2 years of not even trying I feel.
I was trying to keep myself excited about the motorhome. Sasha was not as excited. I wanted to work on it for a few weeks at least – is normal, is an old motorhome. Sasha almost always hated when I said we have to do that…but to me it was about working for us, for our little home, for our relationship in the end.
But she did help a lot with it eventually. And she always came with me to check motorhomes and stuff.
For me living in the motorhome was a big challenge. I am used to infinite power, infinite internet, to work on TROM and the like. I am easily bothered by sounds and I love stability in terms of comfort. And now, limited power, limited internet, and not knowing where you park, where you sleep..if it is noisy or what not…for me it was a wild life.
Consider that I always had issues with my digestive system so it is hard for me to figure what to eat, when….
I was not in my best mood at times but we managed to stay in the motorhome around Estartit for a few weeks because we had to leave in December.
We went to Romania with my parents’ car that they bought from Spain and with their stuff that was in Spain since they finally retired. For me too it was a sad period of time to see my parents leave…after almost 2 decades of staying together in Spain.
I and Sasha drove 2.500km to Romania with their car. Not easy. Especially since I just got my driving license. We stayed in Airbnb’s and it took us a few days to arrive in Romania. Only one time we fought over some stuff…else we managed it.
I have to pause here a bit.
Very few people understand my digestive issues and how they impact my life. Many foods make me sick. Sometimes they can trigger an explosive diarrhea in me and is as bad as it sounds, I can’t explain it other way. And I feel sick for days after. This has created traumas for me since several times I almost shit myself, and when I was a kid it happened at least 1 time. It is awful and idk when it can happen. So I need to be careful with what I eat and where I am. Plus I really am scared to eat out…I developed a trauma. Not to mention the many times I feel pain because of these issues….and discomfort. So even driving to Romania was a big challenge for me and the fight we had was because of my digestive issues – I became irritated.
So it is not an easy life for me. Sasha always helped me and she understood me. I thank her so much for that! And I am sorry that because of my issues I was not at all eager to “go out” have a drink and eat something…
I was in Romania. Sasha only stayed a week or so. Her plan was to go to Russia to see her family. I was happy for her since she rarely gets to see them.
We met in late January 2025 in Spain to FINALLY go out with the motorhome!
For a few weeks we stayed in Estartit to do more work on the motorhome. A cousin of Sasha also visited us. We spent some time with some friends there too (Sasha’s coworkers from diving).
17th of February we left!
We were going to the South of Spain to meet with some friends. Another “TROM” meeting, this time not in “my town”. Excited. But also we rushed because of that.
We traveled for 3 months and we saw some amazing places:
I think Sasha also enjoyed it a lot. It is true at times it was hard for us. Especially for me I feel like because I was so not used to this lifestyle and I also just got my driving license. But hey…is normal!
I also made a mistake: I was filming our new lifestyle and that is not a good idea. I was inspired by others who do that, and I thought I’d like to inspire others too, plus provide tips for how to live in this way. But I (and sometimes Sasha too) ended up filming too much at times. And then I ended up with a pile of recordings that I felt obliged to transform into videos. A bunch of times I’d spend hours in the motorhome editing them while Sasha was out and about, climbing some mountains. I should have gone out too.
I will continue to make videos but mostly about tips and such, not to film everywhere I go. This is a bad idea.
At times I felt pushed, pulled, or dragged by Sasha. We both had an extreme lifestyle that we kinda craved for. She wants to climb mountains, be active, go go go…she is so damn active :). Idk how anyone can keep up with her. So she wanted to go visit too many places I felt, and then go go go more! She hated to be inside the motorhome much. When we arrived at some place she would get out right away, while I was a bit tired and wanted to take it slower.
I am also extreme. I can spend days inside the motorhome working on my computer and be fine. I want my time to read, write, watch, make projects, absorb information.
So our worlds were so apart it was hard to make it work that well. Despite that most of the time we had a great time, also considering these were our first 3 months living this lifestyle that for me was wildly new.
Unfortunately we had to go back before the end of May because Sasha had to work again in diving in Estartit. We were running low on money.
This thing fucked up our relationship. We should have honestly found a different way to make money. At least talk about that…Sasha never really wanted to talk about other options. I am all ready to compromise, sacrifice, in my limits ofc, to make money and support our relationship. I was also working on some commercial websites that I hate, just to make money that period of time.
We were both making compromises. But to me it was worth it in order to build a good/solid relationship and make our lives better.
Same story goes…Sasha works in diving for several months. I go to Romania help my parents with some stuff. I and Sasha do not see each other much. I come back and my father has some serious health issues. Was a lot of stress.
Was this time when I sat down in bed with Sasha, feeling that we grew more apart these months, and asked her what would be your ideal life. She hesitated so I started first. I said I dream of us being a team, work together on TROM like projects, create events, meet new people, volunteer, do important stuff. While at the same time travel with the motorhome and see amazing places, have a wonderful and happy life together.
Her ideal life was a dry: I would like to go solo hiking like before.
I asked if she sees me in her ideal life. It was another dry: no, sorry.
Perhaps that was the moment I should have insisted to end it all?! She for sure did not have the courage to go further with that. After all I was the one asking…trying to understand what is happening with us…and I was also destroyed by these health issues with my father. I was tired, mentally and physically.
So idk what happened next…but things moved on. I thought maybe she just said that now when is this difficult period of time with her working…but from that moment on I tried to prepare myself to distance from her emotionally. Tho I did not manage it very well. Is hard when you still live together….
I told her that. It was soul crushing for me to see that her dream life is only about her.
It is what it is.
You know…yes Sasha from the beginning said she craves for her past lifestyle. She also worked in diving and sacrificed for us. She went from traveling with her backpack around the world to staying with me in Estartit for 5 years. Yes it was so difficult and different for her.
But you know what:
- Sasha came to me….she forced herself into my life. She knew I was not like a hiker…I was the opposite. The Sasha I met was the Sasha from that video I linked at the beginning.
- We met because of TROM. I liked her activism brain first. She lost that quite fast and became uninterested in these projects. You think is easy for me to see this?! I was destroyed…
- My life also changed a lot. I never lived with another human in this kind of relationship. I also had to sacrifice for her to get the papers by all means to get the residency. To put up with her very depressed states when she was working on her book….not to mention the motorohme life was very tough for me to adapt to….Also TROM…had to put on hold projects and such, just because I prioritized this relationship.
- Why didn’t she try to fix our relationship like I did when I struggled with the attraction towards her, with her book, with so many things…I always tried to fix these issues and communicate. She not so much. At least don’t drag me into this relationship if you are not happy.
- Also, let’s find a better way to make money so we don’t fuck up this relationship…why not even consider!?
Since that moment I didn’t feel like Sasha is someone who cares much about me. In my head Sasha was with me temporarily until she leaves to go back to her backpacking lifestyle.
I was kinda crushed…
I also had some health issues. Then motivational struggles. Then problems with my father. Not a good period of time.
I went to travel with the motorhome on my own while Sasha kept working in diving…
At times I felt very lonely…but I still had Sasha no?! Maybe after this working season is done we can say “fuck this diving job” and go have a life, try it, see if it works or not. Despite all she said…
Told her that if she really wants to go have her backpacking life back please tell me and let’s do it nicely. I told her that many times over the years. She never followed this discussion….So that left me with nowhere to go…I cared about her, I wanted for us to stay together…what should I have done? I gave her the opportunity to at least talk more about breaking up, but she never took it. So maybe I thought she is not that serious about it…idk…momentary frustration that will pass.
I was trying my best to reboot myself. Working on a big and important article. Trying to release a new TROM project, content based, a first in years. It was an important moment for me to try and find myself again.
You see for the past year I told Sasha several times I am not doing well mentally. I felt lost for the first time in my life. Totally lost. I felt like all of these important things I talked about since 2007 have 0 impact. The many hours of documentaries I made, thousands of written pages, many projects… Even for the few close people who agreed with them….they are all sucked into the system. Including Sasha! I was so destroyed to see Sasha go from this witty engaged human who wants to talk about these projects and the problems we have in our society and solutions to these, to become mostly a passive divemaster for the season…and it was hard for her too, to see this happening. But she never asked for help or opened up herself about these…maybe I could have helped. I wanted to and perhaps I still want to. Because she has a tremendous brain full of interesting ideas that she should use and be more than just a divemaster or a hiker. Nothing bad with these, but the powerful Sasha, in my view, is the one who I saw in TROM II, or in that video presentation, or on her blog, or in her book!
So I felt like is just me for the past years trying to keep TROM afloat….
Anyway. Bad bad months.
I came back in Estartit mid October 2025. I was still super happy to see her.
She was still kinda busy….She finished in November.
Because of some more paperwork stuff we had to stay around Estartit till mid December.
I remember one thing bothered me a lot. A friend of hers, a coworker from diving, asked Sasha if she can go feed their dog while they are in vacation for a few days. I was ok with that for a few days. The guy is also my friend. He said we can stay at their apartment too if we want. Sasha said yes…but days became a week…
Instead of us going together to travel, we had to stay longer in Estartit. Sasha would have to go visit her mom in late January so we didn’t have much time for us, again…choosing to stay longer in Estartit bothered me and I told her. In the beginning I was ok since she said 2-3 days, but a week….
Also she was a lot more comfortable staying in their apartment while I was in the motorhome parked closed by. For me the motorhome is the coziest place…our home…but not for Sasha. I am also weird and I hate to stay in people’s homes. I am not used to that. It is on me.
But basically what relationship is this?
And also bothered me because if we were to stay in Estartit for my own reasons, say my sister needed help with something, delaying our travels, Sasha would have been so pissed off.
Anyway…these small things are perhaps a sign of a bigger problem.
Sasha got food poisoning when staying there and I forgot about all of this. I rushed to help. Anything she needed…a massage, go buy stuff…anything I was there for her. I mention all of this as an example that regardless if I was annoyed at her decisions, I was always there for her.
2026 when it all ruptured.
We went to travel again, second time in a year. We had a few weeks to go to the South of Spain again, meet some friends, then take Sasha to the airport.
In fact we spent some nice time together..
But as always in a rush…
I did feel many times like Sasha has her shoes and jacket on and ready to leave. As if she is not here with me for the long ride….she went to US to see her mom and had a great time there. I was really happy for her.
Whenever she was abroad we talked a lot and I felt like we had a great relationship.
The plan was for her to stay there for a month then come back and in May to go for 2 months to Iceland for a solo trip…
Iceland. Where it all froze.
She told me months prior to this that she would love to do this trip if that would be ok with me. As always I wanted for her to be happy so I supported her fully.
After all I wrote even I get to see more clearly now that this was a bad sign. I mean we already spent almost no time together for the past 2 or so years or more…and what she wanted so badly was not to spend time together, go visit some cool places, get involved with the kind of work that brought us together….no…she wanted something for herself. I feel like an idiot now to be honest…and she should not have dragged me into this.
If she was so not liking our life together, tell me! But what now…you also stay with me while you plan for your trip. I am your support buddy…your little fan excited for you. While you only do this for yourself…looks terrible and sad for me.
But anyway, I supported her.
She came back from the states. Idk if I felt like Sasha was excited to see me for the past 2 or so years. But I was open to end the relationship if she was vocal about that…and I tried to get something out of her. But she just dragged it…maybe she was confused and didn’t know how to approach it.
Because of her cold attitude and some stress that is at times normal when you live in such a small space, and our different lifestyles with me feeling dragged by her, when she left for the states I felt sadness but also a sort of feeling relaxed….like oh now I can take it slowly, write stuff, read stuff, focus on my projects…not having to ALWAYS go somewhere.
That is another bad sign for the relationship.
She was happy and excited, but only for her trip. She was organizing it all….I mean look, our relationship aside, you can tell this is what made her happy….I was equally happy when I went to Prague for the TZM event….but I was always happy in the context of the relationship. Sasha always mattered for me. If I were to somehow have the chance to go do more such events that I love (my thing) I would always include Sasha somehow. And always care about her….I honestly felt like a side thing all of this time when Sasha was organizing her trip.
I felt deep down that this trip may make her finally decide she wants to leave…but it was just a thought that crossed my mind.
One last time with the motorhome.
Before leaving to Iceland we decided to go for one more month together with the motorhome. And honestly it was quite wonderful…
So you see..despite problems we still could get along. Find a way to be happy. Look, ALL relationships that are a few years old at least, will struggle at times. IT IS NORMAL! The key is to support each other and make it work.
For fucks sake there are war journalists who go for months at a time to conflict zones and their partner is “at home” and they make it work. Or professional athletes, or whatever. It all matters if you WANT to take care of this relationship and make it work. And I did. A lot. I was always ready to make compromises, to support Sasha if she wanted to solo travel for some time, to adapt, to COMMUNICATE! After all, I felt no physical attraction to Sasha when we met…but I decided this relationship is so important I want to “grow it”. And I did!
These months I still struggled with my depression and especially some health issues that were making me concerned. Won’t go into details but lower abdominal and groin pain for a year or so…I was in pain. Not fun for me…
I took Sasha to the airport so she can start her Iceland trip.
The trip.
It is hard to say how much I supported her with this trip and how excited I was for her. Genuinely.
Mind you when she left we were on very good terms…all lovely and nice.
First month she stayed with a family (workaway). We talked daily. At times for hours. She would share a lot with me. I tried not to bother her at all, let her have her solo adventures. But it was her many times who contacted me. And I enjoyed that.
I was staying in Estartit because of my health issues but also because my sister needed me, so I was helping her.
After staying with that family Sasha went for her true solo traveling in Iceland. Exciting!
She was again sharing with me photos, videos, info…I loved it and I was so happy about her.
This is impossible for people to fully get, but if I were to share our Signal conversation for the entire Iceland trip you would say our relationship was great. She even said 2-3 times that maybe we can take the motorhome to Iceland. I was actually surprised to see her care about sharing stuff with me, even thinking of new adventures for us.
In my mind I hoped maybe this adventure made her realize that she can do these but also have a relationship with me. So we can continue like that…
The bad day.
I started to feel like we could have a real chance to truly try this motorhome lifestyle and become happier after her trip. I was taking care of my health more closely, my parents were ok finally, I managed to “get my brain back” via the new TROM project, I got a lot of experience in terms of living in a motorhome and getting used to it; even managing it financially myself relying only on donations. Sasha was charging up by doing her Icelanding solo adventures. We have planned a wonderful meetup coming in August for the eclipse with our most wonderful friends…
I was looking to buy 2 bikes and a bike rack so we can also bike when we go places. This year should have been the last Sasha would have worked in diving in Estartit. I didn’t film anymore our “adventures” and I focused on practical videos, so that won’t bother us.
I wanted to be a lot more physically active so I was planning to go out with Sasha more, and not be a motorhome snail.
I felt like now is the perfect time to give this life a true GO. Was dreaming about the Fjords in Norway, Dolomites in Italy, or other places to go with the motorhome….
But now…
Basically Sasha came back from her Icelandic trip and the same day she told me she hooked up with a guy (just a one time thing) and she realized she loves that freedom to go travel alone, meet new people, etc..
I felt like a piece of the Moon fell on my head. It was late at night when she told me and after an entire day when she seemed a bit cold but at times happy about her Icelandic trip. How can you laugh and tell us fun stories when you know later on you will end a 7 year old relationship…and you also cheated on me? Was very trippy for me the entire thing. That entire day. Totally unexpected.
I never felt more betrayed, scammed, fooled….and deeply disappointed. I will never fully get over this. I cried the first 2 days, and I didn’t even know how to do that since I don’t remember last time I cried. I felt emotionally destroyed. I felt like chocking and suffocating.
Luckily I have the best friends on Earth, and especially my sister who helped me so much. I stayed at her place for a few days. I just could not get back into the motorhome without feeling like suffocating.
The past year was truly difficult for me. Many health issues…with my father (he had 3 strokes), with me (unexplained abdominal pain and back pain for over a year), with my sister. I was also struggling motivationally to “reboot” myself. So Sasha caught me in one of my weakest moments. This is why I was so destroyed. Yes I was about to “get out” of these problems exactly when she came. Like literally I planned to release the TROM project the day after she would arrive….So I was in a deep black hole, then I felt like I found a way out (but still dragging trauma with me), and exactly when I was about to get out a bit, Sasha slapped me with this horrible news.
Is been 2 weeks since that awful event. The health issues are not as much of an issue now for me or my family. I managed to release a new TROM Project that is content based. A first in years.
I had a long discussion with Sasha last week. She cried a lot all of this time since it happened. She feels so guilty and understands she took some absolutely shitty decisions. She gets it. After the conversation I understood even more how Sasha has been terrible at communicating with me her struggles and frustrations in our relationship. I always communicated with her and I had the impression that she is capable enough to be able to communicate back. But I remember many times she could not handle us communicating over important issues. She would cry. This is something she needs to fix else she will fuck herself up in any relationship, and the other one(s) too. She already messed me up.
Despite me being better now, at times I feel 100% lost and no will to live. All is dark and I am so sad and frustrated at all of this.
All of our struggles, cuddles and adventures…all to be gone just like that…so stupid!! so so stupid!
Sasha had a week, at least, to prepare for this. I had no second. There was no indication this is imminent and definitely not in this way. Sasha was in a position of advantage where she found a new path in life that makes her happy. She has that. I have none. She should have been wise about it and come help me a bit, to maybe find a path myself. Talk to me. Do not cheat ffs. Hold yourself for one more week so you don’t fuck up 7 years.
Looking back at our relationship I think we are 2 extreme people. I love doing computer work, activism, write, read, make projects and get involved. The world makes me furious and curious. She loves to go solo hiking, meet new people, see amazing places, make videos about that, or blogs or books.
I do not know if this would ever have worked. But I do feel like Sasha did not give the relation a serious try, to communicate with me when she was unhappy, to try fix things, to prioritize us. I am sure that if both people want to keep this relationship and make it work, and these people are smart, they can find ways even for their extreme lifestyles. We are not unique in that sense. We could have traveled with the motorhome to some cool places where Sasha would like to also hike for a few weeks if she wanted to, and we would meet somewhere else aftter. In this time I could work on TROM without being bothered.
We could spend the rest of the time finding new ways to spice up our relationship, do new things, create events that revolve around TROM-like ideas, meet new people, volunteer, do important stuff.
So we can both have a wonderful life together. Especially since is hard by yourself in this system. Financially, emotionally, physically. Being together is very helpful. The older you get, the more important these deep relationships became.
So: What do I do with myself?
I have no answer to that. I have theories like what I should do, but in practice is hard. I will update this part whenever I am able to do something with myself. For now I suffer. I cannot sleep much. I feel a deep sadness almost like a cold that does not go away.
I wish I can share my life with someone who wants to be active in this way and we can work together on projects and events, but also go see cool places and have a wonderful life together. And care about each other. I learned to care about this girl Sasha and to like her, and I created a strong bound with her, because I used my brain and not my hormones. But the trauma, the fact that I trusted her so much and she cheated on me in many ways, will make me not want to trust any relationship 100%. Something broke inside of me. Perhaps being alone is better…perhaps….
Maybe I will meet someone, but maybe I do not need anyone.
I do not regret my life with Sasha. I learned and experienced new things. But at times I wonder…is it better to learn to “love” and care about someone so deeply, to experience that, and then be cheated like I was and be devastated? Almost like climbing a tall mountain and have a crushing crash….Or is better to be alone and never have experienced such “love” and feelings in the first place? When I was alone, no one could have hurt me in this way. And I really liked that.
And just to mention this, for me the real cheating was not her sleeping with whatever ice climbing guide in Iceland, after a few beers and some wine. For me the real cheating is her staying in this relationship with me for years and not telling me if she was frustrated or sad or unhappy. The fact that she did not try to either fix the relationship or move apart in a friendly way. That is far worse. Years of cheating, giving me false ideas and hopes. After all when Sasha came to meet me and she had a huge crush on me, and me not feeling any physical attraction to her, I decided to not crush her feelings, to the contrary, to learn how to like and love her. She does not have to do the same, not at all, but to take a smart decision that won’t destroy me and create a life long trauma.
I do not hate her. And I hope she will be ok and happy. I would suffer if she were to suffer. But she has to understand she made me not trust any relationship fully, or have much hope in humans overall. Idk if she ever experienced this and I hope she won’t. Honestly.
There is not one day that I do not think about what Sasha did to me, after I have been so kind and helpful and loving to her. But is something I get to accept instead of ignoring. I guess most people go with their feelings and I am the weird one who thinks that is far more rewarding and smart to grow a relationship for the long term. I’d rather have a handful of friends and a partner for the rest of my life, together exploring and helping us and others, and have a great ride with a few people who “get you”, than have more and more friends, and relationships, that are not very deep or important. But again, that’s me. That’s what I prefer.
Life/time forces us all to continue. We suffer, we adapt, we change and accept. Some do not have the strength to let time deal with problems, so they shorten it. I will try to find strength, to focus on other things. But is going to be the toughest thing I ever did…
And is funny how Roxanne and TVP did the same to me. After a years-long relationship where I helped them a lot, and they gave me the impression that all is fine, they slap me with a: “Bye bye I want to break up because things were bad for the past months/years!” …. Whaat???
That’s what happens when you are unable to communicate. You hurt people tremendously by dragging them into a relationship that you yourself know is not working and you are not trying to fix it.
Dude but they left you crumbs to follow….being cold with you, ignoring you, not being excited by you…both TVP and Sasha….
I HATE when people do this and it is awful. Especially if you notice it and try to open the path towards communication with them. Build the bridge and ask them what is the problem. And them not following up….leaving things hanging….this is a terrible way of having any sort of relationship.
BAD.
After TVP broke up with me my life became a lot better. Well, you know, I even met Sasha. But it took a year or two. How will be my life now after Sasha broke up with me? I hope better, but right now I cannot see it.
I feel abandoned by my best friend. It will take time to adjust to a different lifestyle.
UPDATE 18.07.2026
Since I made this post I also met with Sasha to give her the last stuff she had in the motorhome. We talked for a few hours. Again a lot of emotional heaviness for both of us. She red this post. She says she did try to talk to me, but I think we both agree she did not do it too much or very well.
Anyway after we met I got to see how convinced she is that this relationship is dead basically. Not even because of her cheating, but because she got fully convinced she wants a different life. It is absolutely ridiculous and astonishing to me how we went from a great relationship for the past months, at least from my perspective and anyone else who could see it from “afar”, and the past 2 months of her in Iceland and us having some really nice discussions on Signal and even slight plans to go with the motorhome there, to DONE. THIS IS IT! Just like that. One hour is all it took for Sasha to put an end to it all.
I get it that she already fucked it up by hooking up with that guide, and she was confused for the past year or so about what she wants, and she also found happiness in solo hiking through Iceland….but man….imagine how it feels to me….your “loved one”, “your partner of 7 years”, to come to you and say is all done now. Bye bye. We said “I love u” and sent “cute emojis” on Signal just a week prior to this haha. This is insanity honestly. The more I think about it.
Anyway, I think I have all of the right in the world to be absolutely devastated and feel abandoned and lost.
Here’s another thing I want to emphasis for my future self who will read this article years from now, because I don’t want you to forget that: like I said my father had 3 strokes for the past year and we went through an emotional hell for many months. Every time my mother would call me I was thinking that’s it, he died, so I felt this lump in my throat answering the phone. The so may times we talked to her, and she was crying. Or seeing my father barely able to talk. This was a first time for us, to deal with such big issues. So I was emotionally traumatized for this part year. And I still am because my father is quite fragile now. Even an hour ago my mother called me and the internet signal was not great and I felt like she had watery eyes and could not understand what she wanted….had to call her back. All was fine, but I felt that feeling of terror again. Is normal….
So trust me when I say this: Sasha caught me in perhaps my most fragile mental states I had in perhaps 2 decades. Some days it is so hard for me, I cannot describe. I still hope I am somehow dreaming and I will wake up: Sasha comes back from Iceland and we have a decent relationship, and even if we are to break, we do so gently and in a friendly way. I feel like the Universe did a fuck up on me and is so unfair it should not exist. So I am waiting for a fix :D.
On the positive side I need to remind myself that Sasha was not that “into me” recently and I felt like I was to her just a friend, someone she knows, at best. Which is so sad to me. I need to let go of the past, but is not easy. Best is to keep myself focused on something else.
I started a Friends Friday Signal chat and each Friday we try to get together and talk to each other. Who are “we”? A bunch of people who know about TROM and in time started to orbit around the project. We got to know each other well, and now I’d like us to keep in touch more closely because we all need each other. The world is a weird place and is so easy to get sucked in and become normalized, to forget about the important things. We should try to keep ourselves afloat. That’s how I also met Sasha…and is the greatest regret of my life that it didn’t work out with her. I would have loved to have her there too…as a partner, as a friend, as Big World Small Sasha.
I really enjoyed our first meetup and the rest did too! We will do more and see where things go.
I will get ready for the eclipse the following days and will try to keep my relationship with the people I know, a bit more active.
I hope Sasha will be ok. She cried enough. And we will see if, in the future, we can become friends. It is damn hard to see this now.
Ok, I have to wake up from this eventually. It is either a bad dream and I wake up, or reality which I need to take a hold of and make it better.
On 26th of August, 2023, we presented TROM at the annual ZDay event in Prague. This was the last ZDay after a decade long of making them every year. Our presentation was focused on showcasing in a ...
TROM (videos.trom.tf)
The November Man ☯️🇺🇦🏳️🌈
in reply to Nivex 🐧 📻 • • •Paul McKone
in reply to Nivex 🐧 📻 • • •Simplicator
in reply to Paul McKone • • •watch
www.youtube.comAndrew Leer
in reply to Simplicator • • •@Simplicator @pdmckone UART?
That's what I use to get back into my #OpenWrt router when I can't get back in via the ethernet.
James Helferty
in reply to Paul McKone • • •Paul McKone
in reply to James Helferty • • •a parking lot that requires a proprietary app.
Jim Colwell
in reply to Paul McKone • • •“We paved paradise and put up a parking lot “
Xerz 💗
in reply to Nivex 🐧 📻 • • •Fennek 🦊🐾
in reply to Nivex 🐧 📻 • • •Carolyn
in reply to Nivex 🐧 📻 • • •Chad McCullough
in reply to Nivex 🐧 📻 • • •Wyatt H Knott
in reply to Nivex 🐧 📻 • • •Spoken like a computer who doesn't understand that everything humans do is for money and power.
Yes, your special thing too.
Huntn00
in reply to Wyatt H Knott • • •Wyatt H Knott
in reply to Huntn00 • • •@Huntn00 Having been on long conversations about this already, I stand by what I said. Community is power. Power is influence. The apes do things to influence other apes. And if you want the internet to look like a different place, what you actually need is the power to change it, which is only coming from community or ownership. It boggles my mind that so many people can't make this simple chain of connections while posting on the Fediverse.
thin@nivex@tenforward.social
Huntn00
in reply to Wyatt H Knott • • •Huntn00
in reply to Huntn00 • • •Wyatt H Knott
in reply to Huntn00 • • •Huntn00
in reply to Wyatt H Knott • • •Wyatt H Knott
in reply to Huntn00 • • •Huntn00 reshared this.
Huntn00
in reply to Wyatt H Knott • • •Two individualistic, selfish, tribal, lacking a common vision of what communal really means, lacking the fundamental understanding of how we impact our home, and locked into our economies, we refuse to pull together to save ourselves, because we can’t see we’re killing ourselves.
Wyatt H Knott
in reply to Huntn00 • • •Huntn00
in reply to Wyatt H Knott • • •Huntn00
in reply to Huntn00 • • •Wyatt H Knott
in reply to Huntn00 • • •Wyatt H Knott
in reply to Wyatt H Knott • • •Huntn00
in reply to Wyatt H Knott • • •Wyatt H Knott
in reply to Huntn00 • • •Huntn00
in reply to Wyatt H Knott • • •IMO, if mortal is all there is, then who cares? But that leads to a different discussion. 😉
Wyatt H Knott
in reply to Huntn00 • • •Huntn00 reshared this.
Huntn00
in reply to Wyatt H Knott • • •@Wyatt_H_Knott My idea is simple and basic. If this is a 1 time mortal sphere of consciousness, that comes and goes in a flash, then our normal state is not existing. Why get excited about this? Who cares about what we achieve or what is saved, to what end? Everyone dies in the very short end.
If there is more, I prefer to think in terms of purpose and learning for future use.
Yes, it could be some random event without reason, and I could also just be comforting myself. 🙂
Wyatt H Knott
in reply to Wyatt H Knott • • •Wyatt H Knott
in reply to Wyatt H Knott • • •Huntn00
in reply to Wyatt H Knott • • •Wyatt H Knott
in reply to Huntn00 • • •Amgine
in reply to Nivex 🐧 📻 • • •Justin Derrick
in reply to Nivex 🐧 📻 • • •狐ヴィクシー
in reply to Nivex 🐧 📻 • • •I remember the time between the dotcom bubble burst and rise of fashcrook.
The internet was a wonderful place to share knowledge and konnection with people.
KittenCannonSec™
in reply to Nivex 🐧 📻 • • •Sensitive content
Fractal Olivia
in reply to Nivex 🐧 📻 • • •Kingfisher
in reply to Nivex 🐧 📻 • • •zivir'kari
in reply to Nivex 🐧 📻 • • •Jef Poskanzer
in reply to Nivex 🐧 📻 • • •Bonkers
in reply to Nivex 🐧 📻 • • •Babs E Blue #ReleaseTheFiles
in reply to Nivex 🐧 📻 • • •Netzblockierer
in reply to Nivex 🐧 📻 • • •Arne | CodeNaga
in reply to Nivex 🐧 📻 • • •Droid Boy
in reply to Nivex 🐧 📻 • • •Gracchus Babeuf Bourguignon
in reply to Nivex 🐧 📻 • • •Sebastian
in reply to Nivex 🐧 📻 • • •Elric
in reply to Nivex 🐧 📻 • • •I sometimes think that the complexity of monetization on the internet is part of the problem. Being able to pay €0.01 to read an article instead of being flooded with intrusive & privacy-invasive ads 24/7 would be an improvement IMO.
But of course, t3rr0r1sm and money laundering make that a non starter. Sigh.
Ovidi Nawer
in reply to Nivex 🐧 📻 • • •ɗ𐐩ʃƕρʋ
in reply to Nivex 🐧 📻 • • •catraxx
in reply to Nivex 🐧 📻 • • •David P
in reply to Nivex 🐧 📻 • • •Simon Raboczi
in reply to Nivex 🐧 📻 • • •Seiðr
in reply to Nivex 🐧 📻 • • •Noodlemaz
in reply to Nivex 🐧 📻 • • •snowyfox
in reply to Nivex 🐧 📻 • • •Sensitive content
Lisa
in reply to Nivex 🐧 📻 • • •JimmyChezPants 🇨🇦
in reply to Nivex 🐧 📻 • • •WILLIAM B PECKHAM
in reply to Nivex 🐧 📻 • • •Carbon-Based Lifeform
in reply to Nivex 🐧 📻 • • •One mistake that was made is that when some sexist and privileged dork invented a website at Harvard to rate the attractiveness of co-eds there to reduce them to sex objects is that he wasn't taken to some secluded area and beaten to death.
MySpace was doing Facebook's job just fine
Nini
in reply to Nivex 🐧 📻 • • •Ricardo Tavares
in reply to Nivex 🐧 📻 • • •Jacen
in reply to Nivex 🐧 📻 • • •ComputerNut43
in reply to Nivex 🐧 📻 • • •ComputerNut43
in reply to Nivex 🐧 📻 • • •𝗣𝗠𝗝 ⚫
in reply to Nivex 🐧 📻 • • •Lino Morales The no good ham.
in reply to Nivex 🐧 📻 • • •Pangu
in reply to Nivex 🐧 📻 • • •Cyb3rrunn3r - -
in reply to Nivex 🐧 📻 • • •Peet Tetteroo
in reply to Nivex 🐧 📻 • • •Schroedingers_Cat
in reply to Nivex 🐧 📻 • • •I sort of agree, but then Capitalism predates computers. That is the problem. Other things came in a world where the capitalist doctrine was utterly embedded.
It was bound to be used to capitalist ends.