tio

2026-01-27 12:32:30

I can’t find my way. Why?

For the past two years I’ve been trying to create new content for TROM and I failed. I don’t have to do it, but I want to. Else I feel lost and I will explain why.

I have never been trapped in such a suffocating situation before.

I remember people telling me how they envy my drive and how I am like a “rock” in a storm, I keep on being the same, create stuff, engage, be active. That was my “activism” activity online. So many projects, websites, books, videos, I was a machine really.

Even I was thinking how good that my only problem is money and not some mental struggle. Because if I have money I know what to do.

Now I still don’t have much money, but money is also not an issue currently. I don’t think much about it because this is my home:

I am typing this article from inside this little thing we call Tortuga (Tortoise). Because it is slow but resilient :). But living in this way allowed me to live with a lot less. 5-600 Euros a month is enough for me to live, travel, eat and pay for internet. Half of what I needed before.

When I started my “activism” my immediate environment sucked. Living with my parents, we were all poor, stressed, my family was slaving to a job in Spain. I had no money and no way to take care of myself. Everyone I knew was a total zombie, trapped robot citizens, mushed brains, livestock meat. I HATED it! I was and felt alone.

The outside world was the same mess. I was disgusted by it. Buy, work, be trapped, be an idiot. Destroy, lie, deceive. Compete, don’t give a fuck, be a dick.

I felt trapped but I mentally untrapped myself.

I found some hope online. My blog was reaching some people, so I felt like someone is listening. Then came across organizations like TVP/TZM and realized there might be a hope to this bullshit society.

It was a path that I was seeing from my dark place to something. Something…I don’t know what, but something.

And this path gave me hope. This world can be a paradise if we are scientifically minded and understand that the society we live in is a human invention, so to not let this invention stay in our way of creating a better society. Money, social statuses, countries, ownership, all that is fantasy! If only we can make people see that, then we can use our science-brain and solve problems without being stopped by these fantasies.

We have food, let’s feed people. We have cancer treatments, let’s treat people. We want to build a museum, let’s build it. Not via monetary limitations, but volunteer organizations. If we have NOT, then we must at least have NOT enough resources or knowledge. I cannot accept that we have NOT “money”. That is bullshit.

My mission: come with me on this path out of this bullshit human society, and things will emerge. We just need to make people see the world for what it is.

After all if I were to realize that we live in a computer simulation I would FOR SURE react strongly to that and would want to get to the bottom of it!

Imagine if I were to just say: hm yeah, but I still have to eat and survive in this simulation so…is nothing I can do…

I thought now the main focus is to make people realize that we live in a simulation. A human fantasy simulation.

So I was like a machine gun, firing videos, documentaries, projects, blog posts, books, articles, memes. I was managing 8 social networks at once. Post everywhere. Podcasts? Yes! Debates? Yes! A new documentary? Yes! More websites? YESSS!

And I was firing them in my immediate environment and the outside world.

And so I spent the past 15 years! In this intense way.

I started to get donations so my immediate environment became better. Less stress, more comfortable.

The Rupture.

After so much effort I realized some hard truths.

1. Reaching people with these messages is an infinite struggle and has become almost impossible recently. Everyone is consumed on idiotic platforms. No new content can easily reach them. My machineguns were kinda obsolete. I do not have the energy and motivation to make TikTok videos or click baity content…I cannot. And without this you do not exist.
2. Even when you reach people their heads are a mush because of so much content online. Too many things people have to deal with. How my message dissolves in these brains is tasteless. They scroll to the next thing.
3. Even when the content dissolves in some brains in a tasteful way, these people are also trapped with jobs and other issues.
4. The world has become a tsunami of problems and stupidity. From the COVID pandemic with its mental conspiracies orbiting it, to Russia going at war with Ukraine, Israel mass murdering people in Gaza, Trump being a shitshow clown, people murdered, loud political debates, anger, more idiots, more consumerism….
5. Organizations and movements like TVP, TZM and the like dissolved.

I realized the outside world is far bigger and more problematic than I thought. And for the past years it expanded infinitely into the stupid, moronic, and violent.

I felt the path leads to nowhere. There is no path. I felt locked into my immediate environment. Friends, family, Tortuga.

I finally have amazing friends and my family is ok. I have a fucking Tortuga! I feel quite safe. I am on my own kinda and can take care of myself. I can go see super nice places out in the world.

I am fine. In that sense. But…

I see no path forward, nothing to look up to. No escape from the outside world. I find it impossible to live in my own nice bubble and ignore it. But I also cannot see a path forward.

And this has destroyed me inside. For the first time in 15 years I feel lost. I do not feel motivated to fire up anything at this world: no more books, content, projects. I don’t feel like it is going to have any impact.

I am still super happy to keep our projects alive and relevant. And I hope to also create new content. But it is hard. Even more so when my new lifestyle forces me to interrupt my work every few days. I need to move move move…get water for the motorhome, buy food, get gas, etc..

On the other hand if I were to stay in one place for longer, I would perhaps get even more depressed since I cannot find much joy and hope into creating new stuff and being actively active in my “activism”.

So maybe when I am forced to go from one place to another, is a way to keep me distracted and to allow me to continue, whatever that “continue” means.

I know this is a depressing post. And I have made several like this in the past. But this is the truth. And the truth also is that for the past 2 years or so I could not find a way out for me. Mentally that is.

So at times I am super happy and relaxed, then next day I can be totally down. I fluctuate a lot. And that is bothering me.

There are good things to look forward in my green bubble. A total solar eclipse this year and for that I will meet up with the rarest of humans, those who are smart, sane and kind. Cannot wait for that. I am also enjoying this Tortuga earthship and I look forward to see where she will take me. It is my little bubble and I still fire up some stuff into the outside world via TROM.tf, VideoNeat or TROMjaro. Maybe more will come. IDK.

But I have tried and I am either demotivated to throw content into a blackhole that this world is, or always get interrupted by life.

For now I will try more. And if nothing works, at least I still have my green bubble and I may accept to be comfortable with only that.

And don’t worry I am fine, is perhaps a normal reaction to a shithole society. Maybe I need to go through a rough road of acceptance that there is nothing there in the outside outside world that is hopeful.

We will see. At least making this post helps me a bit.

I will eat something. Take a nap. And maybe when I wake up I can even “fire up” some content for TROM. Update my never ending drafts that are meant to become books or videos one day. Because I know that I cannot just stay. I need to do something, even if it goes nowhere.

When the problems are inside of your mind, and you need your mind to fix them, it is harder than climbing the tallest mountain. But it is doable.

tio

2025-08-26 21:01:49

Half a year update. Fun. Depressive. New. Terrible. ?

I will try to condense this as much as possible.

Motorhome life has started!

We left mid February towards the central South of Spain to meet with some wonderful friends.

We then went more to the South, then back to the North via the West site of Spain, and back to Estartit (where we left from), at the end of May. Kinda like this:

We got used to the motorhome life quite quickly. I LOVE IT! It is my tiny home. But honestly HUGE inside. I have my own space to work on the computer (the main table), we have a big top bed, a full bathroom with hot water and a great toilet. A kitchen where I can cook the food I want and can eat, a small but very spacious fridge, and a lot of storage space.

We visited the most wonderful places. Click these compilations to see them close up.

We saw a weird “volcano” on the map and we went there. It was not a volcano but a weirdly shaped hill 🙂

We saw two mind blowing caves:

We did two out of this world hikes through some mountains/canyons:

And visited an alien place I saw in a documentary with Brian Cox:

And these are just the places we liked the most. We visited a lot of nature. A LOT! And we stayed in some wonderful parkings for motorhomes.

Best is to follow us on Peertube or via our website.

videos.trom.tf/video-playlists…

In all it was an amazing experience. I got so used to this lifestyle. Something very wildly different from my previous lifestyle where I was spending most of my time in my room, in one place, on the computer.

BUT.

I missed a lot my brain. Yes cool places, yes cool lifestyle, but my brain is my best sensory organ that can look at the stars, read about atoms, and project about the future. Something no fingers, noses, or ears can detect or understand. I miss reading, watching lectures, putting my brain to work. To understand the world, to explain it. To debate, talk, engage.

I MISS IT!

Perhaps the motorhome life was too brief for now to be able to get back into my TROMmood. But combining both is for me the perfect lifestyle. And this is my mission.

Money no more. Back to Estartit.

We knew we will not have money and we have to make some. We came back in Estartit at the end of May so that Sasha can start another season in diving to make some money. I hate this, she hates this. We hate it. But what can we do?

I tried to make more websites for WebApe and see if we can get more donations for TROM, but it is damn hard. I get some money a month, perhaps 60% of what we need, but I seem to be stuck at that. We spend very little money when living in the motorhome. Around 900-1.000 Euros a month all included: food, fuel, insurance, internet, etc.. For 2 people, traveling over 1.000km a month, it is very very low.

I feel very frustrated when I see Sasha work as a divemaster instead of focusing her brain on her book, website, herself. But I do not know how to help. We are fucked by the trade-based society like everyone else. At least Sasha loves diving so if it weren’t for the forced diving, she enjoys it. Underwater, creatures, calmness.

I hope this is the last season for her. We can save some money and see where we go from there.

I went to Romania to build a house and lose my mind.

My parents retired. They went back to Romania. They also bought a 2.000 Euros prefab wooden house to put in my grandma’s garden. All of my grandparents are long dead, but we have some relatives living on the property. I said I should go help them put it together since it is a lot of effort to do that.

I thought I would stay for a month and I ended up staying for almost two.

We started to build the house the second day I came there. Little by little in less than 2 weeks we manged to build the frame of it.

Overall I really enjoyed going there and working on the house. No more internet bad news, no other plans, just this. I like doing these sort of things. To see it taking shape and all that. Many times I would be stressed because of my father with who I could never really get along, or anyone else for that matter. Very inpatient, angry, and he could not help much. Hard to explain to anyone how difficult this man can be, but for a few years now I suspected he may have some cognitive issues, maybe a brain tumor or idk, because he is “too much”…. he can trip on his own shoes and curse and punch something. He sneezes and then swears. He is many times unable to understand simple tasks, and if you disagree with him over anything he makes a huge drama out of it.

Communication with him is impossible.

He is not always like that tho. At times he switches 180 degrees and is very calm and friendly.

Weird. But you will see that my suspicions may have some ground in truth…

Anyway I loved this little house and it was taking shape rapidly. Inside just 4×4 meters, but very spacious. However before I came to Romania they put the foundation wrong (my father…) and without going into too much explanation it was too wide, too crooked, tilted…so when it was raining, the water will go inside the house under the frame.

Took me a long time to fix this. Had to lift the entire house and level it. Then paint the wood with a special paint, wrap it in plastic, and put foam under it. To keep it in place and not ruin the wood. I had to learn a lot about wood, concrete, damage to these materials, etc.. Basically you cannot put the wood directly on concrete and so forth.

I had to use a special paint afterwards to seal the entire frame at the bottom. Now the water wont come in. We had to level the inside of the house too – but we paid someone to do it.

In all a huge amount of work.

We even bought a metal roof and I put it myself. I used the wood pieces from the box the house came in, so that we do not waste anything. I cut it with a very old saw but I managed it eventually.

Made a frame on the roof from this wood, then I put the metal sheets.

Now house complete:

Of course I added 2 solar panels, 180W each, and a 780Wh Bluetti battery that is the main power source in the house.

Inside there is a couch that transforms into a bed, a little fridge, a sink with a water pump, a little stove…so it is fully offgrid.

You see my parents live at the 4th floor in a building with no elevator. They are in their late 60s and already find it difficult to go up and down the stairs. This house is a place for them to stay at times. At least go there, plant vegetables and fruits (which they already do). Maybe have a dog since I made a gate from the wood leftovers and put a little fence around the house.

I worked a lot. Every day almost. But I am very proud of the result. I really like this little place surrounded by nature. Calm. Quiet. I am also happy for my parents. My mother loves it so much!

BUT.

That environment in Romania is what made me want to kill myself in highschool. I hate it. And I find it difficult to explain the extent of my hate. It is the normality there, the detachment from reality that is so deep. I feel trapped in a bad zombie movie, or a horror dream. It became so depressing for me I started to watch movies again. And for those who know me this is a very bad sign. But I could not sleep anymore, I needed to distract myself from reality while I was there.

I feel so ashamed to even admit I was watching some silly old comedies to get myself out of the mess. I felt like I failed after so many years where I kept myself alive and awake. I even wrote a very dark blog post which I decide not to post because I did not want to bother the few close people to me who would read it.

But just so to make it clear, I was in a very dark place, so dark I thought at times that maybe is not worth continuing being alive. I left my little room some 20 years ago, and when I came back the world in Romania was the exact same, even worse. So what is the point!?

I do not know if anyone understands me, but nothing makes me more depressed than the normality of people. You know galaxies, atoms, evolution, atoms, all that real shit that was discovered very recently, and it had ZERO impact on people’s lives. People are the same: jobs, family, money, watch tv, bullshit like this. I get really angry and frustrated at this situation, and in Romania this contrast is so obvious.

All in all, I LOVED the little house project, and I felt like I was losing my mind while in Romania.

Time to leave. Finally! BYE!

FUCK!

It is the end of July. I decided to come back to Spain with my parents who were already planning to come back there for a month to relax and deal with some paperwork.

I could not have foreseen the shit we went through.

Plane was taking off at 06:30. No one slept. We took a bus from 00:30 to 04:00 to Bucharest. In the airport around 06:00 we were waiting in line. In the corner of my eye I see my father dropping down like a heavy rock. On his back. A big loud sound, that kind when your head hits the pavement. Really bad.

I jumped to help. He was lifeless on this back. Eyes wide open. No breathing. People were gathering around. I was sure he died. I thought he had a heat attack. He is also overweight and has some health issues.

Checked his pulse and his heart. They seemed to be working. Suddenly he wakes up. Very confused. Very! I thought ok at least he is not dead, but for sure he had a stroke.

Took us a few minutes to wake him up. Lift him. Put him on a chair. He had a bad bruise on his head.

Doctors came, romanian style with their shitty attitude. Did some tests on him. We almost missed the plane. Decided that he is ok to fly and when we arrive we go to the hospital in Spain.

My parents had seats in the front of the plane. Me in the back. I spend 2 out of 3 hours keeping an eye on them. I was scared because I thought something bad is happening with him and in the plane wtf can you do? I was so tired. I decided to try and take a short nap since there was 1 more hour flying. In my head I thought: I fucking hope I won’t wake up with my mother near me asking for help. And FUCK IT that happened!

My mother was crying waking me up. People in the plane were a bit scared. My father fainted again. Took them more time to wake him up. I went there and stayed with them trying to keep my father awake (alive?). Felt like ages to land. The crew made an announcement in the plane saying they have a medical emergency. Called for anyone who is a doctor to help. A doctor came, helped a bit. An ambulance waited for us in Barcelona when we landed. They did more tests they said all looks ok but needs to go to the hospital.

I was holding my father’s arm the entire time to make sure if he faints I can catch him. The bus was coming in 4 hours and we decided to pay for an Uber to go back in order to go faster to a hospital.

In the Uber my father fainted again and I struggled to wake him up. He seemed to have difficulty breathing. That Uber ride was one of the most awful moments in my life because it took us 2 hours to go to a hospital near Estartit and I was constantly trying to keep my father awake. We had no idea what was wrong and what if he “shuts down” and cannot come back to life?

We arrived at a hospital 10 minutes from where we live in Estartit. They sent us to the family doctor in Estartit. The doctor was very worried and sent us immediately to another hospital 40 minutes away. I drove them there. They decided to keep him for 4 days under constant monitoring connected to all sorts of machines.

We stayed with him in the hospital the first day and a half. Me and my sister.

By this time I did not sleep at all in over 40 hours, almost 2 days. I was so tired and stressed. My mother too.

Anyway.

After 4 days of monitoring and tests (so many of them including a brain CT scan), the only big issue is that his heart drops from 60-80BPM (Beats Per Minute) to just 20-30. Which is terrible and random. And the doctors are clueless why this is.

Now he is home. He is doing well. But we have no idea how bad his health issues are. We have to go back for more tests and if he faints again I have to take them to the emergency room.

Side note: the healthcare here is kinda trade-free. We paid nothing for any of this. And the care was fantastic. When he was in the hospital he had access to nurses 24/7. His own room. Food 3 times a day. TV. AC. Fantastic help that everyone should have access to.

What worries me the most.

Remember when I said I felt that my father has cognitive issues? Well they also discovered that he had mini strokes in the past (lacunar stroke) and they created tiny holes in his brain. The doctor said that YES this can impair the cognitive function and all that. Finally I think this explains his terrible behavior for the past years.

He drives very dangerously and last December we had a car crash because of him. I nearly escaped a terrible injury. He also drove on the wrong side of the road at one point, or in the 2nd gear on the highway, and so on. He forgets things, asks the same thing over and over again sometimes, etc..

I told the doctor, she did not seem too interested since we have to focus on his heart issue first.

I learned that these strokes can be because of the heart which fails to pump enough oxygen into the brain, so the tissue dies. I also learned that Dementia means brain damage in general, and I am afraid he has early stages of dementia. But since there is nothing you can do about this, except deal with what causes the brain damage (in his case likely high blood pressure and the heart BPM drops), then let the doctors continue the investigation and deal with it.

It was a terrible week for me. Now I am better. I feel sorry for my father but I am also tired of dealing with his behavior to be honest. I also have a life to take care of. Of course whatever help my parents need I am always available.

What next?

For the past month since we arrived here I have been staying in the motorhome in a parking lot near the building where my sister and my parents live. It was crazy hot and uncomfortable. At night it was ok with the fans and I was able to sleep decently.

I was planning to only stay for a week or two in this region then go to a colder area, like mountains. But because of what happened to my father…I had to stay a lot longer.

I managed to do a lot of work on the motorhome at least. I fixed our showertub that was getting scratched up over time by whatever we put on top of it. So from this:

I transformed it into this:

I redid the entire electrical part of our main battery and added a new bigger solar controller. I will showcase in our TROMhome videos at one point but look at the mess I made while working on it:

I even built my own cinema (another video that I will make for TROMhome)

I also did the car inspection and fixed a few other things.

So at least I did some work on the motorhome.

BUT.

I need my TROM time. When is that coming?

In a week or so I will be finally leaving with the motorhome by myself. I don`t really care where I go as long as it is not so hot and I can focus on TROM. I need my brain fucking back. And I will try to reboot myself and TROM this year, or die trying.

Everyone is sucked into the system. Understandably so. And if I get sucked into it I will be as good as dead. So I will do my best to stay away from this fuckery. Life is short and I don’t want to miss the opportunity to let my brain understand and wonder about reality. I don’t want to be one of the billion humans who lived a fake fantasy, a simple one, that of citizens, workers, labeled simplistic creatures who did not realize what was truly true.

My “perfect” life, considering the limitations I(we) face in this society, is to travel with the motorhome to nice nature places, while at the same time create more content for TROM. Maybe the sparks of this combo could be going to some events and present TROM, do some screenings, etc.. Live with little, kinda detached from society, while keeping my brain active and engaged. And scream and do!

I will try to spend even less money and survive from the donations I get from TROM plus WebApe. It will be tough but this motorhome is my escape, without it I would be totally fucked. I need to get away from people for a bit, from normality, and get my brain back.

I am either getting my brain back or lose it.

And I will fight for it!

medical condition

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